DH wants a new shed: expects me to build it with him

[Tripewriter]

I'm in my 60s, not particularly fit and never one for more than fairly basic DIY. My DH trained as a carpenter many years ago and is still fit and strong, a couple of years younger than me and retired. I can paint a room and shift furniture if required, and I do what I can to help him carry heavy stuff around, or hold one end of something while he does quick repairs, but I've never been interested in hard physical work. I have other skills and have earned my own living over the years.

He wants to demolish an ancient, leaky shed and build a bigger, better, high-spec one with insulation and electrics. He approached a friend, currently working as a carpenter, for a quote. The friend reckons £15k, which is about twice the price DH had expected to pay. So now, apparently, we are building his shed. I've worked with DH on small projects (a bit of fencing, installing new gates, creating paths) before now and we don't work well together. He's painstaking (and therefore slow) and constantly frustrated that I'm not as strong or fast as he is. He measures a dozen times before cutting or placing anything: my role is usually to stand there in the cold wind, holding bits of wood or paving slabs, in discomfort, with him yelling at me not to move. I can do it for a couple of hours at a time, but not for days on end.

We've just had a big row this morning, with him telling me that when you're a couple you work together on these things and help each other out. He cited the fact that the other day, when my car (which he often borrows) was playing up, he drove behind me to my garage and then gave me a lift home afterwards and a lift back to pick the car up. This, apparently, means that I now have to reciprocate by spending a fortnight labouring several hours a day for him. I can't believe he actually said that with a straight face, but he did. He also said it would be good exercise for me.

I'm not going mad, am I? This is totally unreasonable, isn't it? I suspect he's in shock at the cost of it all.

OP I understand your point of view perfectly. If I knew you in RF, I think we would be friends.

Of course I do. I have osteoarthritis, arthritis in my hands, wrists, all over tbh. Moving and exercise is one of the best things to do.
I also have a uterine prolapse.

My point to the pp was, don't write people off just because they are 60. It's not a magic age where you suddenly become incapable.

You have quoted me without acknowledging my username which is a bit odd, OP, and rather rude, given the tone of your post. I wasn't replying to or referencing you, which you would have seen had you not been predisposed to be offended by people. I was replying to DenholmElliot11 who seemed to think that it was ridiculous for anyone who had reached the ripe old age of 60 to even consider doing such a thing as build a shed. It is easy to see who my comment was aimed at because I quoted the post I was replying to, as is the norm on Mumsnet - and it wasn't you. I'm neither "bonkers" nor was I "insulting" you.

Well I'm glad he's apologised as I was getting quite annoyed on your behalf about comparing weeks of hard manual labour to a short drive to the garage! However why do you need to hold his hand in choosing a shed? I'd say exactly what you have: his shed, his choice.
Honestly it's probably a bit late to be nipping this in the bud but you do have make it clear you aren't there as his support human as you've got a looonnnnggggg time left to be putting up with this.

I echo this ^, it's great that he's apologised but honestly, I'd make it clear that he has to choose his own sodding shed because you will not be involved with it (assuming that you still have no desire to help with it).

For the love of god why is everyone going on about ages and the ability or otherwise of people to do physical stuff? If you actually read all the OP's posts it's clear that the issue is that she just doesn't want to help him with his frigging shed, as is her right and he is being a needy selfish arse.

I get what you're saying and agree — and at the same time I'd quite like some input into the process because I'm good at design and I'd considerably improved his initial ideal shed. It would be gutting if he went for something uglier or more compromised than it needs to be. We'll be able to see it from a couple of rooms in the house and so it would be best if it's not some hulking brown monstrosity. That's the problem with relationships, isn't it? It's never black and white, it always takes two.

Fair enough but I'd still make it clear that I wasn't getting involved with the actual construction!

but surely you’re a team and help each other? If this was the other way round and DH wasn’t helping you on a project of your choice of pretty sure you would have different answers.
Do I want to decorate and build furniture for DH man cave no, could I use the time doing something I enjoy yep. But sure as hell I am gonna help him because it will make him happy.

@Makeitpossible - @Tripewriter has arthritis causing her pain and causing her hands to have poor grip. She also has lumbar pain, which I suspect would make helping with the construction of a shed painful, and might make her back worse. She would help if she could, but shouldn’t be guilted when she says she can’t.

We're not here to help men through their boredom during their retirement.. especially when we're still working and have health issues. It's for them to figure out on their own

I hope you’re able to carve out times you can just relax and chill at home OP, given what you’ve said about him assuming you’ll be involved in gardening too, let alone the shed. You’ll be retired fully at some point and you have a right to a relaxed one.

In the meantime you have very legitimate reasons for not being able or willing to spare precious time to help. Time to draw up clear boundaries

Do read OP's posts - it's a full-on construction job, not a little bit of DIY!

£15K FOR A SHED?????

I balked at paying £500. 😲

Funnily enough, I've just helped Dh to dismantle and reassemble a shed, so I can talk with confidence on this one.

I'm hopelessly unfit, in fact suffer from chronic pain that flares up often. However, I was fine as "builders mate". Essentially this meant holding a marker pen, pencil and notepad while dh did all the work. I marked up the bits with a permanent marker, numbering them and drawing a plan so they could be reassembled. Today I've applied wood cleaner and preservative.

None of it has been excessively strenuous.

Dh has really enjoyed doing a project together.

It's not every day, but I was happy to help as he is usually happy to reciprocate.

You could be a companion to the project for him. Even just making a cup of tea?

Oh cripes. Now I've RTFT I get it. Dh is like the proverbial tree in the forest. He can't do anything unless it's observed. My dad was just the same.

It's a bit of an entitled male attitude. I now wholeheartedly agree with your eise decision to give him a wide berth. 🤣🤣🤣

I deliberately insisted we buy a house that needed no work doing, because dh at the time was such a nightmare to be around when he was doing DIY. Huffing and puffing and angry amd obnoxious. I knew our marriage wouldn't survive a "project".

It's a miracle the shed passed without a row. Its because he was building it for me, that I managed to handle the man vs world aspects.

Have a search for the term "body doubling" - much of the stream of consciousness at you, might fit this - maybe he can only do the job with you to calm his over thinking.

Some of the physical stuff could be made easier - outright refusal to stand holding things he's not actually working on / maybe buying equipment so he can keep stuff at a good working height with less need for anybody else to hold things. 'Access intimacy' is another useful term to look up. He needs to understand what is painful for you - intellectually understanding you stopped one job because of arthritis doesn't seem to be the same thing as understanding which movements hurt too much / which might be ok once or twice a day / which are easier.

£15k for a SHED? that's the most shocking thing about this thread!

If you can afford it, tell him your contribution will be paying for a carpenter to help for X hours. (If he doesn't want to work with the carpenter, that's on him - you offered). Tell him if he whines you won't be lending your car again.

I get really annoyed at the idea that 60 is past it and really old . Retirement age is 67, going up to 68, so 60 has a long working life ahead yet, many people being in hard physical manual jobs, and that’s both men and women. I know that probably comes as a shock to many on mn, but it’s true

Pritty much how i was raised, i didnt have a clue most of the time but learnt through trial and error and many opps

personally if you can cover the costs then custom design one would be my preference then altering sections myself as needed

60 is not old!

Clearly he wants a shed and wants to save money by 'hiring' cheap labour who he can yell at -- You.

Clearly, you do not wish to be that cheap labour.

Can your back / leg/ hands/ feet not suddenly develop pain/ get pulled/ develop a rash? Can your 'doctor/ GP' not tell you you MUST NOT lift heavy things? Maybe even an 'allergy' to dust/ wood filings whatever?

Hold your ground OP, and good luck 💪

I am team help him. You will benefit with stuff out of the house and you benefit from his diy. Be grateful.

You can put limits on expectations like not helping all day and weather is reasonable. Your age isn’t an excuse and being more mobile will help your fitness (lack of fitness to a normal std is not something to be proud of).

A lot of diy sheds can be poor quality, he needs to see in person.

im in my late 50s. I have heart failure, arthritis and fibromyalgia amongst other things. DH (who has his own health problems) and I have spent the last couple of days taking up and relaying new flooring. Last year we built a shed together. We fall out regularly over DIY but we’ve always done it together as a team - when I want something done he helps me and I do the same for him. I don’t understand why you wouldn’t!

It sounds like this ship is steadying itself and he realises he was out of order.

Also, I'm sorry op, I hadn't picked up on the arthritis piece.

In one way we aren't men's support animals taking on responsibility for cushioning their reaction to retirement especially if they hadn't prepared for reality.

And certainly not if it causes you actual pain.

But we are also in a partnership, trying to understand and work together through difficult times. Being part of the design process or any other way you could participate.

Could he get a student in! Pay them to be his assistant doing the heavy and hard stuff?

It's great that he has a project to focus on especially if it will mean eventually home will be nicer.