To be a bit upset at what DD said?

Peachesnocream · 2025-03-19T13:16:03+00:00

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

skkyelark · 19/03/2025 13:24

No, you're not unreasonable to be upset, but more importantly, I think you need to do a bit more careful questioning here. Why doesn't she want to stay at his? (I'd start there and expand on to the 'Why does she wish she didn't have a dad?' if necessary.)

It could be anything from the very mundane, like she doesn't like what he cooks for tea, to concern about you on your own (sweet, but absolutely not her responsibility), to something more serious. But you need to try to figure out what it is.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:34

Does she have to go if she doesn’t want to?

OP posts:

titchy · 19/03/2025 13:38

Well if he’s beating ten barrels of shit out of her, and you have SS involved and they regard contact as dangerous, then clearly no she shouldn’t go.

But at her age she isn’t old enough to decide - you need to decide what is best for her - not you, her. And a relationship with a decent father is more important to maintain than not.

so - why doesn’t she want to go? Is he generally a reasonable parent? Can you send her with a hanky with your perfume on so she feels close to you even when you’re not there.

BarneyRonson · 19/03/2025 13:41

My children didn’t want to spend time with their dad either. They just didn’t really care for his company. He was a self centred twit. They didn’t know that, but they knew being around him wasn’t nourishing. Very difficult situation.

Lostworlds · 19/03/2025 13:41

I think the main thing right now is what happened to make her feel this way. Was she excited/ happy to go before?

I agree with @skkyelark you need to gently find out what’s changed and why she feels like this.

You don’t have to force her to stay at his, if she’s worried, scared then try to find out why but if it’s a matter of she didn’t like what they had for dinner or she didn’t get to do something she wanted to do then I’d try remind her that it’s good to try new things.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:42

titchy · 19/03/2025 13:38

Well if he’s beating ten barrels of shit out of her, and you have SS involved and they regard contact as dangerous, then clearly no she shouldn’t go.

But at her age she isn’t old enough to decide - you need to decide what is best for her - not you, her. And a relationship with a decent father is more important to maintain than not.

so - why doesn’t she want to go? Is he generally a reasonable parent? Can you send her with a hanky with your perfume on so she feels close to you even when you’re not there.

Do I really need to do something like that, she is nearly 8?. As far as I am concerned there should be no reason that she doesn’t want to go. He does spend a lot of time with his new gf whilst they are there so it could be that but I don’t think it’s anything serious. He was an arsehole to me but he does love them.

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VoyageVoyager · 19/03/2025 13:42

I agree with a PP. Your concern should be to find out far more about why she no longer wants to go.

hazelnutvanillalatte · 19/03/2025 13:43

As pps have said, find out why she doesn't want to go...it could just be that she doesn't like transitioning from one place to another, in which case a custody agreement divided up differently might work better, or she could bring something that reminds her of home when she goes away...you just need to find out more. Don't jump to cutting off visitation unless there's a good reason.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:43

BarneyRonson · 19/03/2025 13:41

My children didn’t want to spend time with their dad either. They just didn’t really care for his company. He was a self centred twit. They didn’t know that, but they knew being around him wasn’t nourishing. Very difficult situation.

He is extremely selfish and was when we were together. I did everything whilst he was out playing hobbies/working late etc. even now I make sure everything is done before they go, reading/homework/uniforms etc or else homework doesn’t get done. I even have to remind him to book them into their breakfast club.

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TomatoSandwiches · 19/03/2025 13:44

Why are you not concerned with finding out why your DD has suddenly stopped wanting to see her dad?

Laiste · 19/03/2025 13:44

Was he a good dad while you were together?
Has she told you why or moaned about any aspects of going there before?

My XH was a lazy father when i was with him and was a lazy father when he had contact with his kids. Luckily his interest in them evaporated a few weeks after i left him and the issue went away, but i was getting some ''i don't want to go to Dad's'' before that happened.

Issues were down to lack of care they were used to at home. Beds and bedding wasn't nice, food was crap, house was untidy and cold and - surprise surprise - once they were there he mainly ignored them and got on with what he was doing before they turned up.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:44

hazelnutvanillalatte · 19/03/2025 13:43

As pps have said, find out why she doesn't want to go...it could just be that she doesn't like transitioning from one place to another, in which case a custody agreement divided up differently might work better, or she could bring something that reminds her of home when she goes away...you just need to find out more. Don't jump to cutting off visitation unless there's a good reason.

I don’t think I could legally cut it off anyway, I wouldn’t, he is as equal as a parent as me and I don’t think he would do it the other way round either. Just because I am mum I don’t agree that I get to make a decision like that

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LandSharksAnonymous · 19/03/2025 13:44

Sorry, but he spends a lot of time with his new gf whilst they're there?

Answer: You stop her going. Her dad is prioritising his new fling over his daughter - unacceptable and really unfair her on. You stop her going, you tell him why, and you protect her. No child should have to feel second best to her parent's latest squeeze. If he loves them, he'd set his new fling aside and spend time with his kids.

She feels unloved and forcing her to go there, and be ignored and unloved, is going to make her feel worse - and may even make her think you don't want her either if you're telling her she has to go.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:45

Laiste · 19/03/2025 13:44

Was he a good dad while you were together?
Has she told you why or moaned about any aspects of going there before?

My XH was a lazy father when i was with him and was a lazy father when he had contact with his kids. Luckily his interest in them evaporated a few weeks after i left him and the issue went away, but i was getting some ''i don't want to go to Dad's'' before that happened.

Issues were down to lack of care they were used to at home. Beds and bedding wasn't nice, food was crap, house was untidy and cold and - surprise surprise - once they were there he mainly ignored them and got on with what he was doing before they turned up.

They sleep on air beds, he doesn’t have cooking facilities, it is probably cold, and they usually have pot noodles for tea, but one night a week is fine I suppose when they get the correct care at home?

OP posts:

QuickPeachPoet · 19/03/2025 13:46

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:44

I don’t think I could legally cut it off anyway, I wouldn’t, he is as equal as a parent as me and I don’t think he would do it the other way round either. Just because I am mum I don’t agree that I get to make a decision like that

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You are correct. Very sad. When she is older she will be able to choose more freely.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:46

LandSharksAnonymous · 19/03/2025 13:44

Sorry, but he spends a lot of time with his new gf whilst they're there?

Answer: You stop her going. Her dad is prioritising his new fling over his daughter - unacceptable and really unfair her on. You stop her going, you tell him why, and you protect her. No child should have to feel second best to her parent's latest squeeze. If he loves them, he'd set his new fling aside and spend time with his kids.

She feels unloved and forcing her to go there, and be ignored and unloved, is going to make her feel worse - and may even make her think you don't want her either if you're telling her she has to go.

I can’t make that decision? And to be quite honest it would cause so much trouble that I just can’t handle. It doesn’t have the correct facilities in a one bed flat, air beds etc but I don’t know my rights here.

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Birdist · 19/03/2025 13:49

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:45

They sleep on air beds, he doesn’t have cooking facilities, it is probably cold, and they usually have pot noodles for tea, but one night a week is fine I suppose when they get the correct care at home?

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Where on earth does he live? This doesn't sound like an appropriate environment.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:51

Birdist · 19/03/2025 13:49

Where on earth does he live? This doesn't sound like an appropriate environment.

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I don’t know the address as apparently I don’t need to as long as he has a phone (which he never answers) all I know is that it is a one bed flat. I think he is in the process of getting a mortgage

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Laiste · 19/03/2025 13:52

They sleep on air beds, he doesn’t have cooking facilities, it is probably cold, and they usually have pot noodles for tea, but one night a week is fine I suppose when they get the correct care at home?

OK. In my case it was airbeds at XHs as well. So i started sending them with nice bedding (decent duvet as well, already in it's nice cosy case).

With regard to lack of cooking facilities !!! Why? I'm a bit shocked by that.

Re: preoccupied with the girlfriend.
I wouldn't like that.

Honestly with what you've said i'd be not letting it carry on like that. I wouldn't care how much fuss it takes.

I'd start by telling him your daughter is saying she doesn't want to go. And tell him why. Shame him into improving.

Kids have a voice and they will use it and they must be listened to.

BarneyRonson · 19/03/2025 13:53

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:43

He is extremely selfish and was when we were together. I did everything whilst he was out playing hobbies/working late etc. even now I make sure everything is done before they go, reading/homework/uniforms etc or else homework doesn’t get done. I even have to remind him to book them into their breakfast club.

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I get it. My children’s dad didn’t do anything either. He said “you’re so good at everything , there’s nothing left for me to do”… yeah, right. It means the children feel they aren’t with a caregiver who is holding the structure, they don’t feel held / contained, “dad” is just a detached entitled person who expects to be wanted around. I don’t know what the solotion is, I’m sorry. Now my children are grown they are very LC with their dad and would happily drift into NC.

Laiste · 19/03/2025 13:54

I wouldn't be sending my kids off to an unknown address OP.

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:54

Laiste · 19/03/2025 13:52

They sleep on air beds, he doesn’t have cooking facilities, it is probably cold, and they usually have pot noodles for tea, but one night a week is fine I suppose when they get the correct care at home?

OK. In my case it was airbeds at XHs as well. So i started sending them with nice bedding (decent duvet as well, already in it's nice cosy case).

With regard to lack of cooking facilities !!! Why? I'm a bit shocked by that.

Re: preoccupied with the girlfriend.
I wouldn't like that.

Honestly with what you've said i'd be not letting it carry on like that. I wouldn't care how much fuss it takes.

I'd start by telling him your daughter is saying she doesn't want to go. And tell him why. Shame him into improving.

Kids have a voice and they will use it and they must be listened to.

I can’t tell him. I know he will think I am poisoning her against him, I’m really not. And he did something this weekend which really pissed me off so I can’t bring myself to talk to him yet. Him and his gf went out and left my kids with her mum and I had no idea where they was. I asked him to bring them home and he didn’t.

OP posts:

Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:54

Laiste · 19/03/2025 13:54

I wouldn't be sending my kids off to an unknown address OP.

Legally he doesn’t have to tell me.

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Original poster

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:54

I just can’t imagine if I moved and didn’t tell him where I lived!

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MontanaPink · 19/03/2025 13:57

You need to further question her, gently and try to get to the bottom of why she feels this way. It might not be him, it might be the situation or the girlfriend or that she just doesn’t feel at home there.