To be a bit upset at what DD said?

[Peachesnocream]

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

Exactly this, added to which he’s clearly dumping them with other people whom presumably the OP also doesn’t know or know where they live either. It’s not hard to work out why that poor child doesn’t want to go.

Who gives a fuck if he and his parents think you’re a bitch. Your children clearly will not think that. Your daughter is upset and doesn’t want to go back, why don’t her feelings matter the most? What are all the reasons she doesn’t want to go, outlined?

She doesn’t have access to food or a warm place to sleep? Great. Perfect reason not to send her. Get SS involved specifically because he won’t give you his address or let you check for yourself that his facilities are adequate. If they have no issues, great again. He’s doing a good job but your DD still isn’t comfortable and she can tell them why she doesn’t want to go back. I’m going to go ahead and say anyone official, including courts, will listen to an 8 year old girl who does not want to see her father and is repeatedly returning back from his home upset.

Stop caring about how it makes you look to anyone and put the children first. If he wants to be a dad he needs to prioritise their actual needs. He needs to provide warmth, food, and comfort while they are there. They need a safe place to sleep. Until he has that available they have every right to say they don’t want to stay overnight at his house. He can spend all day with them and bring them home to their warm beds. You’re not stopping contact.

Is his contact with them court ordered? If not there's nothing to stop you refusing to let them go. He can take you to court if he wants to, of course; do you think he'd bother?

You need to make other childcare arrangements while you're at work and stop relying on him for anything. Things get complicated when your needs are in conflict with your childrens'. Keep them separate. You need to be able to advocate for your children.

You need to be less passive. He is not having them in a suitable environment and I would not be sending them somewhere I did not know to be palmed off with someone else who I did not know.
I would stop sending them and tell him exactly why. He can make improvements to the situation and/or take you to court. The children wouldn't be in court so you would not be putting them through anything.
You don't want their relationship to break down but you do need to advocate for your kids and stop letting him walk all over you.

Please do not send your daughter back there until he can care for her properly and doesn’t leave her with strangers (gf’s mother). Please protect your little girl.
Who cares what everyone/anyone thinks of you. The ONLY person who matters here is your daughter and her wellbeing (now and in the future if something potentially traumatic is/has happened).

I bet he does, and yet he can't be arsed with them for the one night a week he currently has them and dumps them on his gf mum and feeds them pot noodles

I really can't believe how passive you are being! You don't even sound interested in discovering exactly WHY your DD doesn't want to go to his, and indeed has said she wishes she didn't even have a Dad!! Surely that is a potentially huge red flag!!?

Your DD is being very clear here trying to tell you that something is not right but you really don't seem to be listening and, whatever you say, you don't seem to have done any digging or advocated for her so far.

If I couldn't even have the address my children would be staying at then they absolutely wouldn't be going there. At all. Yes, you can put a stop to this if it currently isn't court ordered, and I have the definite impression that it isn't.

You NEED to know where they are otherwise what if a serious issue occured? How would you get to them? You also need to know what the living conditions are really like. If they are as inadequate as you say then the children should not be going there, especially not for overnights.

Stop giving a shit what others like your ex-PILs think about you and start giving more of a shit about what is happening to your poor child/children here. They only have you to advocate properly for them and so far all you seem to be saying is "but I can't do that!" Which is very wet to be honest. Yes, you absolutely CAN do this.

Your children are potentially being seriously damaged here. Especially the child who wishes she didn't have a Dad!

I am going to talk to her tonight whilst DS is asleep

My daughter enjoys time with her father once she's there but I can honestly say she never actually looks forward to seeing him. Every contact morning she cries and doesn't want to go. I get it, she feels her home is with me, her friends are here, her beloved pets are here, her school is here, and she has to leave that 30% of the time to see her Dad. Her dad is a domestic abuser but so far she enjoys the time when there so a lot of the positive reassurance has to come from me.
When I ask her why she doesn't want to go she simply just says she wants to be at home with me.

I'd be trying to understand why your daughter doesn't want to see him and trying to bottom that out. His care and living facilities don't sound great but if you ask yourself are your kids safe there with him and if you answer yes then you can let a lot go over your head. At the moment you're being very passive and doing everything to appease your ex..you should be talking to your daughter about her feelings and ironing out why she feels that way.

Good. I hope she is able to tell you exactly what has been happening and why she is so reluctant and uncomfortable. She needs you to have her back. She is very vulnerable here and you need to know what is going on.

Yes I will try and get to the bottom of it all

If you could help me with some digging questions that would be great

Tell her that you have been thinking over what she has been saying about not wanting to visit her dad and even wishing that she didn't have one. Ask her what has made her start to say that and why? Ask her what is making her so upset and uncomfortable so that you can try to act on it.

Make sure she knows that she isn't in any trouble, and you just need information so that you can try to help.

Please don’t think this. You are standing up for your children. Air beds, no cooking facilities, essentially left with a stranger on the ONE night he is supposed to lol after them —- none of this is acceptable. The last one I’d find particularly worrying.
Talk to your dd , ask her to tell you why she doesn’t want to stay at dad’s, reassure her she’s not in any trouble and can tell you everything that is worrying her. When you’ve got the whole story speak to SS and the school. If your ex isn’t going to take full responsibility for the care if his children when they’re with him then he either changes his ways or sees them for a trip out only.
They only get one childhood.

And none of this is your fault— he is not a decent father but kids safety and well-being comes first.

Not digging questions. Open ended
Tell me why you don’t like staying at dad’s.
How did you feel staying at gf mum’s house?
Were there other people there.

Give her time to talk. Do reflective listening, nod, yes I hear what you’re saying. Yes, I understand how that would feel.
That sort of thing.

She said she isn’t comfy on the air bed. She said he has the really comfy one and they have a really rough one and it doesn’t even have a sheet under it. She said there isn’t much food there either.

Why do you care about what they think and not what your (blood-related) daughter thinks?

Who gives a sh*t what they think? You wouldn't have to intervene if he put his children first and adequately provided for and nurtured them while they are in his care.

The fact he doesn't want to pay CM says enough as it is. Does he think having his children 50% of the time in a one bedroom flat sleeping upon air mattresses with no cooking/food preparation facilities is going to be adequate? Having them half the time will not be cheaper than him paying child maintenance. He can't even be bothered to interact with his own children on the one night he does have.

He said instead of giving me the money he will just spend x amount on the children in the month. He has no idea!

You don’t know the address?? It sounds like a dump - air beds and no food and dad keeps getting his sister to watch the children. Advocate for your children. Listen to your daughter as she’s old enough to tell you what she thinks.

Does he currently pay? He would get a rude awakening if he had to buy all their uniform, school shoes and clothes for at his, let alone all the other expenses involved in caring for a child.

There is no way on this planet he will get 50/50 at this point. So, let him take you to court. Family Court have an organisation called CAFCASS which they use to investigate welfare and safeguarding concerns.

He pays yes. On the days the children go I have 2 sets of clean uniform ironed and ready, homework done etc, it’s more trouble than it’s worth they may aswell stay at home.

He has apparently been approved for a mortgage which suprises me as he was in loads of debt. Just took his gf abroad 3 times in a month, who can really afford that! He is too tight to buy a bed/toaster/microwave etc.

Quite.

Put your child first, don’t be a fool. Let him take you to court.

This is a truly depressing thread. Poor, poor kids.

You need to tactically find out why she didn’t want to go again, and before you talk to him. Unlikely, but it could be some kind of abuse, sorry to say.