To be a bit upset at what DD said?

[Peachesnocream]

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

Imam doing something about it. I just need to think. They are with me at the minute. I will make the right decision for her as I have done for the past 8 years so do not question me as a mother.

Make a list of all the things which bother and upset your children when they see their Dad

Make a list of all the things which bother you when they see their Dad

Make a face to face appointment with your local Citizens advice bureau

Take the lists to the appointment and ask for help

PLEASE stop being so passive. Advocate for your children

Oh I will advocate

OP, I don't know if you can get advice but I would either contact a solicitor re legal issue. Or I'd be tempted to contact social services and tell them you're children don't want to go to their fathers in part because of the sleeping/heating/food situation and you are concerned that the care is not sufficiient.

Re the girlfriend's mother babysitting - annoying though that is, you don't actually have a say in who he asks to look after your DC. Just like he doesn't get a say in who looks afte rthem while he's with you.

The biggest red flags in all your posts? Your comment, at least twice that "he does love them".

Normal, healthy relationships with fathers don't require it being spelled out that they love their children.

I never felt listened to ask a child. There are lots of things I quite legitimately didn't want to do or places I didn't want to go, but I had to because adults decided that I as a child couldn't decide for myself. Even at 8 years old, I knew my own mind and it is so frustrating to not be taken seriously just because you're a child. Listen to you daughter.

Something smells decidedly male in here...

Why do you care about him and what his parents think over how your DD feels?
The anger you're finally mustering up against mumsnetters is how you should be feeling towards him and his parents.

She might also be saying these things because I shouted and pleaded for him to bring them home, you don’t know do you?

I am going to send the message saying until he can provide sufficient care they cannot stay overnight. He did ask me to swap days as he had plans but if he would have said he would have done that I would have swapped in a heartbeat. I am also going to say that they do not stay with anybody other than him/close family if needs be

Ex MIL also said that he keeps asking ex SIL to watch them and it is affecting her relationship with her partner as she is pregnant. I don’t know how that is my problem tbh it’s his!

Your concern should be WHY she doesn't want to go.

You don’t know the address where your two young children stay one night per week? Are you serious? If I didn’t know the address they wouldn’t be going.

Not having a bed and not cooking food are both two big red flags with social services.

You can though. She's old enough to voice whether or not she wants to go there. You tell him that DD has told you she doesn't want to stay overnight. End up. Be her voice and advocate for her if she cannot tell him herself.

So this is the problem, you are relying on him for childcare when you are working, which would normally be fine, but if he is treating them like crap and fobbing them off with his family, then maybe you should look for alternative childcare and just let him have them on set days.

It doesn't sound like he's going to fight for them, seeing as he is letting all and sundry look after them for him anyway.

For the umpteenth frigging time - why aren’t you worried or curious about WHY YOUR DD DOESN’T WANT TO GO THERE???

You what, am I reading this correctly - you don't know where your dc's are even staying?
Oh no, no, no no no. That wouldn't be happening if it were me. No way would my kids be going to some unknown location with their useless twat of a father.