To be a bit upset at what DD said?

[Peachesnocream]

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

my daughter changed her mind this morning and said she wanted to stay!

I am not a disgrace! Do you not think all this is hard enough!

Like come on , he won’t tell you where he lives !
I wouldn’t let the kids go In a million years & your kids are only 4 & 8 & he went off out & left them with his gfs mother who is a stranger to them , he’s irresponsible to say the least ..
No cooking facilities, your kids are use of a nice homely home with you , warmth, proper meals & structure..
They go to his & there’s none of that , of course your daughter wants to stay with you ..Plus she sees him , what ? once every week , he’s more like a babysitter than a father & you are their favourite person ❤️
I’m going to go back again to him not telling you where he lives & you say doesn’t answer phone , so you don’t get to say goodnight to them either .. I wouldn’t be letting them there OP …

I just mean kids say things don’t they. Like I said she told him she wants a new mummy! I mean Jesus Christ! I’ve always done my best, although I’m not perfect

I think he lied when he said that, just to shut you up. And to deflect from his own inadequacies.

I agree with pp

I honestly don’t think he did

She is still really young to fully comprehend all the nuances of relationships and in particular of relationships breaking up. Well done for trying to explain to her in a way she can understand. Sending lots of hugs.

How would you feel about discussing this with their teachers? School will be used to children coming from all kinds of family set ups. You can ask her teacher how she seems to be coping with the break up, and that you’re not sure if she’s unhappy at her dad’s or if she’s just saying that to you.

Either their teacher or whoever is in charge of pastoral care could have a chat with DD. I think you need to accept that either DD needs support coping with the situation (split up parents, transitioning between houses etc) or her father is not looking after her properly. I think you need outside support getting to the bottom of this.

Just carry on making excuses for your ex who still has you exactly where he wants , and believe his blatant lies instead of your DD who is crying out for help. I feel sorry for your poor DC, I really do.

Going a bit too far pp saying you feel sorry for OPs daughter..
She is a good mom or she wouldn’t have posted up here to be fair 🤷🏻‍♀️
She wouldn’t see anything wrong with the situation otherwise

I think talking to school is a good idea. I wouldn't just take what he said as the truth and totally leave it at that. I'd want to know she's being properly cared for when she goes there: actual food, proper bed and bedding, not being looked after by random people and him spending time with her rather than the GF.

I thought it was going well until I suggested getting my daughter a phone purely to talk to me whilst she is at her dad’s as he never answers. He said if I get her a phone he will take it away so that I can’t talk to her.

OP, this isn’t tenable. You need to speak to someone to get advice on what you can do about this. It’s not acceptable that your co-parent will actively block you from being in contact with your child while she’s with him AND that you have no idea where she is. It’s a failure of safeguarding for jer. What if something happens to either of you while she’s with him?

Why can’t he just be reasonable and accept it? I then cried and told him I hated him.

Saying this kindly OP
Stop leaving him take the kids !
You Don’t know where he lives , he won’t leave you speak to them while they are there & your daughter doesn’t want to go ..
Aside from all of that , it’s cold , he can’t cook for them & leaves them with strangers if he wants to go out with his girlfriend !!!!!!
Deal with whatever happens, he will have to go through all the right channels to be able to see them ..
Rightly so & boundaries will be set in place ..

What if he comes to pick them up and causes a scene?

Let him cause whatever scene he wants ..
Don’t open door & ring the police ..
Have him well warned before he comes around what your intentions are if he calls for kids .
I’d be showing him you mean business this time ..
Outline everything in a message to him , that’s it’s come to this because of X, Y & Z ..
In all fairness that he won’t tell you where he lives , the mother of his children..
How cruel & just downright wrong ..
It is misfortunate it has come to this , of course it’s much better for the kids when there isn’t Agro , but to be fair , you’re not causing the friction… It’s all down to him & his carry on ..
Why can’t he just act normal & fair 🤷🏻‍♀️.
It has come to this & you’ll have to cease contact, only through a solicitor ..
I know it’s not easy 😞, but you can’t be going around like this either ..
It’s not right for the kids or you & it doesn’t have to be like this .. xx

OP, did you see your solicitor today? If so, how did you get on?

The thing is he is very good and turning it around and making me the hostile one as I wasn’t happy they stayed with gf mum last week. It seems to be me that is always causing the scene but he is very clever. He said me telling him that I hate him just shows him that I still care and he isn’t bothered about what I say as he has moved on.

You need input from someone who understands the law. I posted a link to Citizen's Advice further upthread.

Yes I am calling citizens advice tomorrow.

I cancelled my appointment as I thought things were ok.

why is he being like this

I'm saying what you already know - you were a bit silly cancelling. Even if things were 'ok', you'd still be safer with a formal agreement and they can give you advice about drawing that up.

Yes, actually that is the best advice you have gotten so far OP …
At least through a solicitor you won’t be dealing with him ..
You’ll be less tormented then …
It’s right at the beginning now , so things are tough going ❤️
Things will get better though , so chin up x x

Honestly never ever thought it would be this hard. I just don’t understand. He is with somebody else, why does he need to be so unreasonable. It’s really annoying that he is saying that it looks like I care, it isn’t about him, I just want to make everything perfect for the kids, I have already torn their life apart by ending it with this fucking nutcase.

He has blocked my number so I can’t call him. He chooses to call me when it suits him. He is just an utter twat. All I want is to speak to my kids when I want.