To be a bit upset at what DD said?

[Peachesnocream]

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

He now calls me on an unknown number.

As everyone has said from the start, get legal advice ASAP. When he has the kids you don't know where they are, you don't know if they are staying at his house even and you have no means of contacting them. They could be taken hundreds of miles away, forever, and you'd have no idea where to even start looking for them.

If you'd done as people suggested, and you said you were going to do OP, ie, kept the kids with you, until you'd got legal advice, you wouldn't be in the current situation. Stop thinking that it's all going to be fine, and he'll play fair, HE WON'T!!

Re-book the appointment with a solicitor of Citizen's Advice, and assuming that the kids are with you currently, DO NOT LET THEM GO TO HIS until you have proper legal advice.

Frankly, he's actions towards you suggests that he is obsessed with you and making your life as miserable as possible. People who have "moved on" don't act like that. People who have moved on and are happy, don't lie, don't leave their children with strangers, don't let their children have contact with the other parent, and don't keep threatening their ex. What they DO is, provide their children with a proper environment where they can sleep, eat and enjoy their time with the father that is supposed to love them.

He says a lot of words, yet does no actions that show he cares about his children, except as punishment to you. Which then circles back to him being obsessed with you. Rinse and repeat.

Question: Does he call them during the week? FaceTime? Anything? Or does he flip his "I love my children" beacon on only when he shows up at your house?

I meant to type is "DO let their children have contact with the other parent". (not don't)

OP; I know you want your children to know their father but please stop calling him a good person. He isn't in any way. He is still being abusive, using your joint children as his weapon of choice. And that is sad and terrifying all at the same time.

Some weeks he won’t contact them at all until it’s his turn to see them again, so from Tuesday-Sunday they don’t hear from him, he doesn’t even ask how my son went on at football. Last week he called me most nights after the gf mum situation for some reason.

I’ve lost confidence as he calls me a psycho and has reasons to back it up, I do sometimes get upset but it’s only because of what he is doing.

it’s like he knows exactly how to hurt me, he has known me a long time. The fact that he said that it shows I care that I said I hated him is confusing me it is like he knows exactly what he is doing. He said he doesn’t call me, because he doesn’t care and what I say doesn’t hurt him.

I will be speaking to citizens advice today as I need this sorting, it’s really affecting my mental health and I cannot carry on this way. The fact that he won’t tell me where he lives is really odd, if I was a psycho I would have already found out. All this to me seems like he is trying to control me

This is all not ok @Peachesnocream

I hope you have seen/spoken to citizens advice.
You must take control here lovely.
Your kids, especially your DD are what matter here and you have to make sure that you show up for them.

Did you ask your DD why she no longer wants to stay with her dad?
I wonder if his gf is kind to her.

Peaches, I'm not having a go at you.
I need to ask you a question.
How are you able to let them stay away from you, not knowing where they are?
That is a huge no no darling.

If your ex cannot provide an address, keep transparency and be decent by providing the bare minimums then I would not be allowing it to continue until the expectations were met.

If he and his others give you shit, then that's something to make a note of (every time they are disrespectful) and will go in your favour should you have to go to court.

I wouldn't be allowing it.
Not you know you don't have to.
You're the mama. You hold the cards.
You're the kids primary care giver and you make the decisions for their wellbeing.

Good luck

I Have an appointment on 2/04 with a solicitor. Time to take back control, you’re right I am their mum, I gave birth to them, breastfed them, got up in the night with them whilst he was busy doing whatever. There is no way I’m letting this carry on, I’ve tried to be nice, it’s not worked. So what if I am psycho he can just call the police if I turn up (which I won’t) this is all about having control.

He IS trying to manipulate and control you, and it's working, that's why people on here don't believe it when he said about your daughter wanting a new mummy, it's hard to see it when you are so close to it but from an outsiders perspective it's just another tactic to control you.. it worked because you backed straight down after he told you that, he knows exactly what buttons to push so you should not be giving him ANY benefit of the doubt going forward and take everything he says with a pinch of salt, always believe your children.

One thing you should do is calm down though, I know it is easier said than done, but 'acting psycho' is not going to help you in any way and is actually what he is relying on, because he is pushing your buttons, you're reacting, then he's saying 'see, told you she was a psycho'.

Look into the 'grey rock technique', or if you need to, look into counselling which may give you some tools to deal with his abusive behaviour.

I am so angry with myself for choosing this absolute waste of breath to be my children’s father. I’m really struggling with that.

Thank goodness, it looks like the penny is finally dropping!

Don't be angry at yourself, abusive people rarely show themselves for what they really are until it is far too late, be angry at HIM, it is not your fault that he is the way he is, but you are letting him win unfortunately by not being able to control your emotions around him.

Once you've spoken to a solicitor and get some proper legal advice behind you, you will have a better idea of how to deal with him within the law, and hopefully a plan of action, in the meantime DO NOT rise to the bait, as hard as it is, try and keep everything calm and civil and try and ignore any of the bits you can't control, just grit your teeth and scream into a pillow if you need to.

A word of warning though, if he thinks things are getting serious he may pretend to be a decent human being to get you back on side and to try and get you to back down, he can control you right now, once things are going down legal channels he won't have as much power so he will be reluctant to let it get that far.. enjoy the peace and quiet while it lasts but don't ever let him sway you, this pattern will just repeat forever until you do something to stop it.

He blocks your phone number, wont give an address, wont look after them properly, and seems to be controlling towards you. Please seek outside support for you and the kids to handle this situation

He wouldn’t be taking my children anywhere if I didn’t know when they were and couldn’t contact them. I’d go to court for court ordered contact with conditions.

I am sick of him thinking he can call the shots. It really isn’t happening anymore. They are my children and if I want to give her a phone to contact her I will! He will not take it off her so I cannot talk to her how horrible!

I feel like I have let my children down becoming a single mum. The guilt is awful, I need to shake this off and get my fight back

I agree with your second sentence. You can do this.

I'm glad you're finally beginning to see sense OP, just don't back track now. Everyone has been telling you that he's not being a good dad to his children, and to listen to your daughter, I hope you now see that people are right, and that he's been manipulating you, so that you do what he wants you too, none of which is in the best interest of your kids.

I wouldn’t mind but surely he knows he doesn’t have the upper hand so why does he think that he does?

he has severe obstructive sleep apnea and falls asleep at the drop of a hat, it’s a worry whilst he is driving with them, he turns up almost 2 hours late every week but apparently I have to bare in mind that he has an illness. It’s pathetic.

The way you handle this is if he says he’s coming at 8 you say great, you have something on and will be leaving at 9, if he can’t make it by then will have to move to next week as you will have to leave and take dd with you. (Don’t tell him what the thing you have on is, not his business. If he pushes answer you expect a lot of personal information about my hobbies for someone who doesn’t even want to let me know their address.)

Glad to hear you've got your fighting spirit.

You have nothing to feel guilty about, being a single mum. Not everyone needs two parents. My mum raised me by herself with the help of my Nan and she was 1000% better than having a deadbeat dad around.

As others have said since, try not to rise to his bait. He's a clever conniving man.
You go 'psycho' because of his manipulations, he knows this so you must try and not give him what he wants.
No one is going to take your kids and give them to him but you have to do what's best for you all (you ds and DD) and fast.

Did you ask you DD why she no longer wants to go?

May I suggest you start to make a record of the times he's not behaved in an appropriate manner with you when having the children?
The times he's cut you off completely, the time they stayed with the gf mum.
Any conversations or messages you have from them that are negative about you.

Start procedures for child maintenance.

Feel your power but try and calm your mind. If you'd like any tips on how to do so I can offer you what I use for myself.