To be a bit upset at what DD said?

[Peachesnocream]

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

Him and his gf went out and left my kids with her mum and I had no idea where they was. I asked him to bring them home and he didn’t.

This isn't right OP. His girlfriends mother?! It could be anybody and she could have anybody coming into the house!

You need to talk to someone about all of this - someone who can advise you. I don't know the law. (as i say thankfully my X lost interest in a couple of months and i let him)

I found this online:

For free advice about a child's contact with their father, you can call the Family Rights Group (0808 801 0366) or the Both Parents Matter helpline (0300 0300 363).

Your 'rights' aren't the issue. You need to advocate for your child, if her father has her staying in a cold flat on an air mattress with no proper food and dedicates his attention to someone else while his child is present -- I mean, I wouldn't want to go and stay there. Does he not grasp that he needs to put some effort into making and maintaining a relationship with his children, and that some of that involves seeing that they're warm enough and fed?

You sound very passive op . Id be very concerned if my daughter said something like that and id be making sure to find out what's going on . As for his living arrangements etc you also seem quite happy to not rock the boat there either . Is there a specific reason why you don't seem inclined to advocate for your children ? Have you sought proper legal advice

I wouldn't want to spend one night a week in those conditions, especially if his girlfriend is always there. Why doesn't he find accommodation that is suitable for his children when they stay?

You need constructive advice here obviously - but I'll be perfectly blunt here OP - if this was me i wouldn't be allowing my kids to go.

I don't care what fucking fuss he created. None of my precious kids would be left by me in that situation.

Oh no. This is completely inappropriate. Have you arranged custody through official channels?

Sleeping on an airbed? Eating pot noodles? Is this for real? No wonder the bairn doesn't want to go.

No matter how much I do not want them to go I cannot stop it. I can’t stop them spending time with the new girlfriend either. Me stopping them going would be the wrong thing to do as hard it is I am trying to be the bigger person and put the children first.

I agree with PP you sound so passive.

Have you tried talking to DD about this?

Too right!!

Because I know there is nothing I can do about it?

How do you know? Who have you talked to?

You're not putting your kids first sending them to an unknown address in a cold house with no food and them being shunted off to a total stranger (dad's girlfriend's mother?!).

You're daughter is asking you for help. She knows she's not being cared for there.

Be the parent who gives a shit and will make a fuss for her.

And for your son.

Can you not just ask your daughter why she doesn’t want to go rather than speculating about it?

Why are you “upset” by it when you don’t even know what her issue is? Would she not respond if you said to her “look i’ve been thinking about what you said about going to your dad’s. that sounds really hard. can you tell me more about why you’re feeling this way?”

I think you need to get some proper advice OP as this could be incredibly damaging for your children.

My DDs best friend is in a similar situation in that her and her sister are sent to their dad's every other weekend. He has no food in the house, regularly pisses off out and leaves them home alone and the older girl feels obliged to go to look after younger sister. She hates it and hates her dad. She is incredibly damaged by this and goes to regular counselling. It's heartbreaking to see how her dad has screwed her up.

So if she said dad leaves her alone all night/beats them/abuses them/takes drugs you think that wouldn’t be grounds for her not to see him?

OK

Gosh, he still has you wrapped around his little pinky. When you were together, did he have you filled with this much self-doubt? You seem afraid of your own shadow. Stand up for your poor child. I’m married to my dc’s father, but if either of them expressed concern about going somewhere with him, no bloody way they would be doing it. You have parental responsibility and can keep them with you, just as much as he can. If he wanted to refuse to send dc back to you, he could. You could try going to court to get a court order enforced, but it may not even happen. The safety and wellbeing of my children would always come first above protecting the feelings of some man.

Putting an air tag or tracking device in your DDs bag isn't illegal op, I wouldn't be sending my children to an address I didn't know.
Do you have a court order for contact?

Pot noodle for dinner and sleeping on airbeds might not bother every 8-year-old.

The cold and having to hang out with dads new GF and her random family members almost certainly will bother her.

It could also be something you haven’t even thought of yet.

Talk to her.

Gosh it sounds like he's not making much effort for his one night a week with them. Could you negotiate with him that he just has them for some daytime time each week rather than doing an overnight? That way their relationship together is still being maintained, but your DD wouldn't be so unhappy plus their dad might even be relieved (as he doesn't exactly seem to be managing to make it a great sleepover).

He actually wants 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay cms

op your answer here is to stop contact saying dd doesn't want to go and tell him if he wants contact to resume to go through the courts. Courts will then get child services involved which should mean that basic facilities are required- air beds are not ok.

Exactly, why would I put myself in that position? I am not allowed to just stop contact.

The courts/SS would say he needs to have adequate accommodation, beds, cooking facilities etc before they'd agree to that.
You do have avenues you can take to ensure this op but you seem to not really have any gumption, why is that?

Of course you can, what's wrong with you?

Oh so if I stop them from seeing him and say take me court? I really don’t want to put the kids through that.