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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be a bit upset at what DD said?

298 replies

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 13:16

No ex and I have been split for around a year. DS 4 and DD 8 stay at their dads one night per week. When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:34

TomatoSandwiches · 19/03/2025 14:33

Of course you can, what's wrong with you?

Show quote history

How can I? He has the same rights as me I can’t just stop them seeing him!

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:34

I’m have never agreed with it to be honest because he does love them and who am I to take that away? I cant

OP posts:
Nowvoyager99 · 19/03/2025 14:35

Put the kids through what?

You don’t appear to have any interest or any idea in what they’re going through already.

Would it be horribly inconvenient for you if the DC didn’t go to his?

Laiste · 19/03/2025 14:35

You seem very sure of what you're NOT allowed to do OP ...

When my daughter came home yesterday she said she doesn’t want to leave me anymore so I explained the situation in the best way I could, daddy loves you and wants to see you etc and she said she wished she didn’t have a dad.

If this was me i'd have explained the situation as

''Let talk about what's wrong - i won't send you somewhere that bad things are happening''

But then again we know what's wrong. He's being a useless cunt.

PinkArt · 19/03/2025 14:36

Is it really a surprise she doesn't want to go there? She doesn't have a proper bed there, doesn't get fed proper food, it sounds like the heating isn't put on and on the one whole night a week he has to actively parent she's been left with her dad's girlfriend's mother so dad can go out with his girlfriend. I wouldn't want to have to visit anyone under those circumstances so why should your kids?

thepariscrimefiles · 19/03/2025 14:37

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:14

No matter how much I do not want them to go I cannot stop it. I can’t stop them spending time with the new girlfriend either. Me stopping them going would be the wrong thing to do as hard it is I am trying to be the bigger person and put the children first.

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How are you putting your children first if your daughter has said that she doesn't want to go? Considering that the living conditions in her dad's home probably wouldn't meet Social Services standards, it's obvious why she wouldn't want to go.

Laiste · 19/03/2025 14:37

And mum's just shrugging her shoulders and saying ''i can't help you''.

TomatoSandwiches · 19/03/2025 14:37

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:33

Oh so if I stop them from seeing him and say take me court? I really don’t want to put the kids through that.

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But your ok putting your DD through visitation she doesn't like though?

RunnerDown · 19/03/2025 14:38

I have no idea about the legalities in this situation but if I were you I would definitely be speaking to someone for some advice. It’s very worrying if your dd is saying she doesn’t want to see her dad and absolutely not in her best interests for you not to investigate that further. Even if there is nothing you can do to stop contact at least you will have advocated for her. And if you do nothing and find out further down the line that something horrible was going on how would you feel then .
As for leaving them with the girlfriend’s mother - I would go ballistic about this. You know nothing about this women or her background . Even if she is a lovely person she is a complete stranger to your dc , and I’m sure they would feel very insecure n that situation.

Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:38

PinkArt · 19/03/2025 14:36

Is it really a surprise she doesn't want to go there? She doesn't have a proper bed there, doesn't get fed proper food, it sounds like the heating isn't put on and on the one whole night a week he has to actively parent she's been left with her dad's girlfriend's mother so dad can go out with his girlfriend. I wouldn't want to have to visit anyone under those circumstances so why should your kids?

Honestly, I agree with everything that you’re saying. I just don’t know what I can do about it. It’s not Inconvenient at all as he only has them on the days that I work so I can work around that and it would be easier for me. It’s not as if he has them on a Friday/Saturday so that I can go out.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:38

RunnerDown · 19/03/2025 14:38

I have no idea about the legalities in this situation but if I were you I would definitely be speaking to someone for some advice. It’s very worrying if your dd is saying she doesn’t want to see her dad and absolutely not in her best interests for you not to investigate that further. Even if there is nothing you can do to stop contact at least you will have advocated for her. And if you do nothing and find out further down the line that something horrible was going on how would you feel then .
As for leaving them with the girlfriend’s mother - I would go ballistic about this. You know nothing about this women or her background . Even if she is a lovely person she is a complete stranger to your dc , and I’m sure they would feel very insecure n that situation.

My ex MiL rang me saying she has met her and the kids have met her.m and that I am being dramatic.

OP posts:
TomatoSandwiches · 19/03/2025 14:39

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:34

How can I? He has the same rights as me I can’t just stop them seeing him!

Show quote history

He has the same responsibilities as you, not rights, the children have rights to be provided with safe and suitable accommodation and relationships with each parent. Your DD has voiced her dislike for visitation with her father, as her other parent you have a responsibility to find out why and advocate for her. You have no responsibility towards her father.

PrincessScarlett · 19/03/2025 14:40

Please wake up OP. You say you don't want to put your kids through a court case. But you're happy to put them through living with a neglectful parent. Your poor children. At least your daughter recognises something is wrong. Your 4 year old is going to grow up thinking this is completely normal.

You have got to get advice for the sake of your kids. See a solicitor or at the very least contact the organisation that a pp highlighted.

lunar1 · 19/03/2025 14:41

Your daughter is telling you that there is something not right, and you’re not going to question it further. In 15/20 years time when she asks you why you didn’t look any deeper, remember how passive you were to the situation.

thepariscrimefiles · 19/03/2025 14:42

Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:38

My ex MiL rang me saying she has met her and the kids have met her.m and that I am being dramatic.

Show quote history

Tell your ex-MIL to fuck off. Of course she would stick up for her pathetic son and take his side.

Laiste · 19/03/2025 14:42

OP i gave you a couple of numbers you can ring upthread.

You could talk to DDs school. If you ask to speak to the SENCO (there's one in every school) they will take you somewhere private and you can ask for help. They will have advise for you. And they will be kind and listen. They'll know who to ring.

Tell them DD is saying she doesn't want to go and wishes she didn't have a dad. Tell them this. One BIG red flag to also mention is that your X is leaving the kids with strangers on his ONE night when he is supposed to have them. Along with this is you don't even know the address of where they are supposed to be.

Second to this is the lack of cooking facilities and third to this is the air beds.

Please do something.

Apreslapluielesoleil · 19/03/2025 14:43

Did she stay at her dad’s place with gf mother or did she go to the mother’s house? She may be someone your dd had never met before, or there could have been other people ( the mother’s husband/partner/son/ daughter) who worried your daughter.
You can ask SS for advice if you’re worried , or try to get a half hour free appointment with a family lawyer. Or even contact Gingerbread.
But you need to find out why. Could be something mild, easily fixed or could be more serious.

PuppiesProzacProsecco · 19/03/2025 14:50

Do all your communicating with him in writing - be reasonable but firm. For example:

Dear Ex-DH, unfortunately I can no longer allow the kids to have overnight visits with you until the following issues are resolved:

  1. They need actual beds to sleep on, not air mattresses
  2. They need to be properly fed whilst in your care
  3. They must not be left with strangers - you can return them to me at any time if it's not convenient for you to have them
These are the bare minimums a court/social services would expect you to provide for your kids. I'm happy to facilitate day time contact until you can get this all sorted out but for now, the kids need stability and safety. The children do not want to stay at the flat with you in the current conditions and I won't force them into situations were they feel uncomfortable/cold/hungry/unsafe. We all look forward to you getting the situation resolved so overnight contact can resume.

Simples. Stop taking his shit OP. Let him take you to court (bet he won't when he realises how much a solicitor costs).

Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 14:59

Apreslapluielesoleil · 19/03/2025 14:43

Did she stay at her dad’s place with gf mother or did she go to the mother’s house? She may be someone your dd had never met before, or there could have been other people ( the mother’s husband/partner/son/ daughter) who worried your daughter.
You can ask SS for advice if you’re worried , or try to get a half hour free appointment with a family lawyer. Or even contact Gingerbread.
But you need to find out why. Could be something mild, easily fixed or could be more serious.

She went to her mother’s. I ended up shouting down the phone, pleading for him to bring her home but he just put the phone down and blocked me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 15:00

My DD said if they want toast they have to go to a cafe and get it

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 15:01

Laiste · 19/03/2025 14:42

OP i gave you a couple of numbers you can ring upthread.

You could talk to DDs school. If you ask to speak to the SENCO (there's one in every school) they will take you somewhere private and you can ask for help. They will have advise for you. And they will be kind and listen. They'll know who to ring.

Tell them DD is saying she doesn't want to go and wishes she didn't have a dad. Tell them this. One BIG red flag to also mention is that your X is leaving the kids with strangers on his ONE night when he is supposed to have them. Along with this is you don't even know the address of where they are supposed to be.

Second to this is the lack of cooking facilities and third to this is the air beds.

Please do something.

Edited

I tried to call them but they can only help if SS is involved

OP posts:
Fountofwisdom · 19/03/2025 15:02

You need to get some proper advice, and speak to SS if necessary. They would not think a one bed flat, with no heating, no cooking facilities, and only airbeds to seep on is a suitable environment for your DC.

It sounds like you don’t give much of a shit to be perfectly honest. Multiple posters have urged you to find out why your DD doesn’t want to go there and you have repeatedly failed to respond to that. You seem prevent happy to send your unhappy little girl back there asking with your even younger son. What the he’ll is the matter with you?

Stand up for your children. Your DD is crying out for help and you are turning a blind eye. You need to wake up, get a backbone, do something proactive and protect your children. My blood is boiling reading your pathetic passive responses to every piece of advice.

Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 15:03

I’m torn between him and his parents thinking that I am a complete bitch as they will just think I am bitter about the woman, does it really matter what they think? I don’t want to be the woman that stops that father from seeing children as you see it all the time and it is the mother who looks bad.

OP posts:
Original poster
Peachesnocream · 19/03/2025 15:04

Fountofwisdom · 19/03/2025 15:02

You need to get some proper advice, and speak to SS if necessary. They would not think a one bed flat, with no heating, no cooking facilities, and only airbeds to seep on is a suitable environment for your DC.

It sounds like you don’t give much of a shit to be perfectly honest. Multiple posters have urged you to find out why your DD doesn’t want to go there and you have repeatedly failed to respond to that. You seem prevent happy to send your unhappy little girl back there asking with your even younger son. What the he’ll is the matter with you?

Stand up for your children. Your DD is crying out for help and you are turning a blind eye. You need to wake up, get a backbone, do something proactive and protect your children. My blood is boiling reading your pathetic passive responses to every piece of advice.

This is ridiculous, I am doing something about it. They aren’t going until Sunday so I have time to think.

OP posts:
Arcticrival · 19/03/2025 15:06

I feel so sorry for your daughter who is telling you something is wrong and you are doing nothing about it, if you won't advocate for her then she has no chance.