Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Your kids have the right to a relationship with their mother, be she ever so crap. I think Cornwall’s too far from Manchester not to harm that relationship.

I can see the appeal of moving to Cornwall. The first thing to establish however is how this will impact the children and all their important relationships. I can see they have good relationships with your family and your partners, but you must also consider their relationships with their mother, poor though that seems to be, it is not non-existent. And also their mother's family if they are in their lives , and also with their schools and school friends. The kids have clearly had a difficult time in some ways and their needs must come first. I can't say from here what would be best for them but it does sound a little bit as though you are thinking about what would suit the adults - I wanted to be sure you are being honest with yourself and genuinely thinking it through with the children at the centre. I do realise your situation is not easy.

I agree. It’s too far.

This is tricky, Op. I can see why you’d want to move. But this really does feel far.

If you could work out some way that they could have the same amount - if not more - contact than they do now, then that would be reasonable. If not, you don’t want to be the one that ends their relationship with their mother.

I think knowing MN you will probably get a hard time for this and biased advice OP. However, I think it sounds like a great decision for your family, it’s probably causing more harm to them their mum not turning up just as people say it would if it was their dad not showing up. I think you are very reasonable to drive them up once a month to maintain contact and if mum wants them more, then she can come and get them another weekend or you could meet half way ( unlikely as you live not far and she doesn’t visit now- you could always go to court and have this approved also). Good luck

OP is willing to drive the kids back on the contact time (when she can be bothered to adhere to it).
Sounds great

It's a very long drive from Cornwall to Manchester - even worse in the summer (6-7 hrs each way) I think you underestimate the affect this will have on the children's wellbeing.

Sorry l can't work out how to reply to comments individually. The problem is that I can't force her to see the kids, she lives 5 minutes away, I beg her to come and see them but she won't. We never know when she's turning up and when she's not, she goes away on holiday regularly without even letting the kids know so I have to be honest and say I resent the fact that we may be forced to remain in Manchester when she goes away to Spain etc and leaves her kids.

You need to remember that the M5 only goes as far as Exeter & the further into Cornwall you get the worse the roads are. Depending on where in Cornwall the journey to Manchester could take 5+ hours, longer in the summer when he roads are busier.

It’s crap for you and your children’s mother sounds awful, but considering the relationship between your children and their mother is already difficult, I don’t think you can reasonably justify doing something that will make it even worse.

Moving to Cornwall might be wonderful for you, your partner, her children, your parents, but it’s not in the best interests of your children and a good parent has to put that first. Cornwall isn’t great for young people anyway, especially compared to Manchester, there’s no jobs and no affordable homes.

Hmmm... I hear what pps are saying, but I've always argued that a crap relationship with an unreliable parent can actually be damaging. The children have a right to stability and security, a right to not have their self esteem damaged by a disinterested part time parent. They will still be able to see her as OP has made clear and perhaps it might focus the mother a bit more about showing up for access.
OP do you document every time she let's them down?

This is definitely not just for me and partner, the kids absolutely love Cornwall and they have friends that live near by partners parents, they constantly ask when we are going back, we wouldn't even consider moving if the kids didn't want it also.

Cornwall is quite far frankly and not within the realm of a reasonable distance. I think courts might agree.

unless she frustrates contact for longer than a couple of months moving across the country isn’t acceptable. And cutting visitation from weekly to monthly is not on.

It can easily be 12 or 13 hours with traffic in summer - I have done the drive many times.

Seek legal advice before you decide.

Have you thought about how the children will see their mother after a move?

I wouldn't stay if life would be much better in Cornwall but I would have to work out how to maintain contact - some day you'll have to explain the children you moved away from Manchester.

They are children, of course they love a place where they have friends and lovely holidays. That doesn’t justify moving them away from their other parent.

You can go to court and request permission for the move as mum has said no.

She last seen the kids in February and won't see them until mid/late April at the earliest but I suspect it will more than likely be even longer, maybe may until she bothers to show up to see them.

The drive from Manchester to anywhere Cornwall is a PIG. I would not want to commit yourself to that monthly. How will you manage that with young children?

You'd need to leave after school on a Friday for a 6+ hour trip (with some stops) and find a way to have dinner en route. So kids will be up late, cooped up in a car for twelve or more hours every weekend you go, and then where will you stay if their mum even sees them?

You need their mum on board for this.

I'd seek proper legal advice.

I'd also be aware you could get stuck with all the driving back to see other parent - which as others say in summer could take a quite ridulous amount of time.

How much of a relationship are they getting if she sees them so rarely?

They can still have a relationship if they move, it just means both adults have to be willing to do the work.

Does OP’s life have to be put on hold for a flaky mother who doesn’t want to make an effort? Is that really what is best for the children?

Move.
She sounds emotionally, financially and mentally checked out of being a parent. As long as you’re willing to facilitate visits and travel, I don’t see the issue if you are the one doing the majority of the parenting.

I originally come from Cornwall and agree it's a fabulous place to grow up. I return at every opportunity.

However I had to 'emigrate' to Devon (40 years ago) because housing was so expensive & the lack of job opportunities. It's even worse now, houses are being bought to rent or as second homes, many landlords no longer rent to families as they can make more money out of holiday lets.