Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Sounds like you should move

Based on experience of some friends, I don’t think the courts can stop you. My friends ex wife moved pretty far away when she remarried and he ended up moving so they could be closer and still see the kids- even then he still had to drive a few hours to meet at a half way point to hand them over.

Agree that it’s probably in rare circumstances that the courts do force you back. In my case my ex was extremely bitter and it was helpful to have it all formalised for my peace of mind and to stop him pushing back. Even recently I’ve been able to use the court order to stop him dictating who has him in the holidays and for how long. But agree it doesn’t sound like the mum cares that much in this case!

From what I've read, it seems your reasons for wanting to move are rooted in the right place. But I think you and the children need to realise that this move would probably result in the death of the relationship. Perhaps not in the next year, but eventually.
The children will get settled into their new lives, and they're just not going to want to do 12 hour round trips to Manchester and back twice a month. And it would be unreasonable to expect them to do so. Then when they're teenagers, with mates to hang out with, a 6 hour drive to hang out with an unreliable flake, and then 6 hours home, will feel like torture. It would also be unreasonable to expect you do that drive as well.

No motorways after exeter is a pro not a con

I think it’s great that you are considering this and are seeking legal advice.

Very unmumsnet of me but you sound like a good father who has done everything to encourage the relationship between your children and their mother. You’ve certainly done more than many on here would do.

On what planet is that a pro?

It's definitely not a pro! But not a reason not to move here either.

Why don’t you ask the children what THEY want?

My parents split up when dsis and I were 5 and 7yrs old. The family judge asked us who we wanted to live with. We both chose mum as dad was too busy for us. The judge made the decision but took in to account our choice aswell as what mum and dad wanted.

Why don’t you ask the children what THEY want?

• they will have little understanding of distance
• they will have little understanding of time taken to cover the distance
• no child should be asked to choose between their parents
• it is unlikely that even if bluntly told you will likely only ever see mum once or twice a year, they will really understand how that might feel like in reality

It is complex and I am inclined to say go, but it's not that simple. There are a lot of what ifs.

The same planet you live on, motorways are not the only way to travel

Go for it OP!! It sounds like a fantastic opportunity and the only reason anyone on here is objecting to it is because they hate men and will always back the female even when she's 100% in the wrong. Enjoy your new life x

I would seek some legal advice, but in all honesty I would go for it. You sound like a wonderful father and have considered the children’s feelings. It sounds as though they have a wonderful support network with all the extended family and given that the mother seems not to care one way or the other whether she sees them I feel it is more damaging for the children than if they were not to see her at all but frankly, if you’re willing to do the drive in order to enable her to see them then I think that is a happy compromise.

Absolutely agree!

I agree with this. When I got divorced, I moved not that far only about an hour and a half away but my solicitor told me at the time you can go wherever you like as long as you can facilitate the children seeing their other parent. I would go for it as it sounds as though they’ll have a much wanted quality of life and as they already have friends in the area that makes it even better.

There is no way in hell I’d be prioritising that woman. The reality is that it’s probably more detrimental for your children to have her, and the disappointment she causes, in their lives.
Go and have a wonderful life.

This

Many mumsnetters idolise mothers and their relationship with their children and I believe that you are getting a lot of very biased advice about how you should stay in Manchester.

It's not like you are moving to Australia!

What I would suggest is that you keep a diary of her contact with the children so you can demonstrate how flakey she is to the courts.

I have two adopted children. Their birth mother had four children and kept the other two, but was not remotely interested in any of them. The children are all grown up now and don't see her at all because she has made it clear she doesn't want to see them.

Not everyone wants to be a mother or is willing to do what it takes.

If your ex is interested she can face time, have the kids at holidays. You can't keep your lives on hold.

Go.
It's 2025. She can video call them every night and visit once a month.

@OldCottageGreenhouse 1000% agree. Sexism is rife on here. A woman posts and refers to how she’s a SAHM and nobody bats an eyelid. A woman posts referring to how she’s has an agreement with her partner that he stays at home and does everything, whilst she earns all the money and her partner gets called a ‘lazy dosser’ or similar. It’s appalling.
I often wonder if one day someone will conduct a social experiment on Mumsnet and post two identical situations but with sex roles reversed.

There is a difference in men's and women's roles to some extent, though. The trick is not to limit people of either sex by these roles. There will be lots of identical situations where the answer will be different; abortion, single-sex spaces, prison etc depending on which sex you are.

You know other modes of transport can be used even where motorways exist?

And they should be increasingly prioritised over cutting a huge swathe of road through devon and cornwall to accommodate more cars

None of those examples refer to “roles” though.