Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

I think that’s an exaggeration, roads are brilliant now, maybe a small hold up on Bank Hols but other than that no probs.
Newquay to Manchester 51/2 to 6 hours, just travel early.
I’d definitely do it, Cornwall is a much nicer place for kids to grow up.

I think that you will all have a happier and better life. Go for it.

Move. Their mother sounds like an arsehole. I have no idea why so many people say stay close. She doesn’t visit them. What difference does it make? Go to Cornwall!

I would say go for it, as it sounds like it's in the children's best interests. Particularly with the house set up and you getting married again - fresh start for everyone.....
(Am usually all for both parents maintaining regular contact with children but disinterested parents are probably more harmful than a cleaner break...)
The children's mother clearly has little interest in their lives and left because she regrets having them. Mysterfied as to why she's so annoyed at your plans when she doesn't engage with them regularly.
Keep notes of all your interactions with her, so should it end up in courts, you have the evidence to demonstrate her lack of interaction with the children.

I hope you can do this, OP. No point in hanging around in Manchester on the off chance that the children's mother might decide to pop in and see them once in 3 months, when she lives only 5 minutes away!

I think it sounds like you already have a whole life to move to in Cornwall and what a lovely family environment and location for your children to grow up in.

Sorry but the roads are rubbish compared to much of the country, and are frequently gridlocked at peak times. "Small hold up" - we've had journey times doubled, pretty often. (I also have family in Cornwall, mum is Cornish). It is routinely complained about by the Cornish.

Well she could try and stop the move so i’d get legal advice before you to too far down the road of planning. Every month driving them Cornwall to Manchester is a big commitment and lot of travelling for the kids. I have stayed local to my DC’s father for 15yrs and finally my youngest will go to uni next year and I will relocate. He wasn’t always around, been overseas to work a lot but didn’t want my kids travelling so much.

I would do it in a heartbeat. Totally different story if she was a good mum who saw them regularly but what’s the point in living 5 minutes away from her when she never bothers with them. It would be wonderful for the kids to grow up with both sets of grandparents nearby.

The legal position is that it will be decided on a case by case basis in court if she really does oppose the move - and she can initially do so.

get legal advice and the information together that you need including schools (and school rating here matter) for both primary and high school - how the business will work etc. what gains there.

I suspect it will be more you having to prove the advantages to moving rather than disadvantages at staying as staying is the status quo

but distance will be a factor - my friend when it was allowed was within a 45 minute journey that could be your downfall bexause even though you are willing to drive it is a long way for yiur kids

I’d normal argue for facilitating a relationship wherever possible but mum clearly isn’t interested and in your situation I’d be pursuing the idea formally. I would keep a log of all the contact mum has had to date and stop any future attempts to persuade her to see the kids - of course let her see them if she contacts you, but leave it for her to arrange. I would definitely look at counselling again as an absent/disinterested mother is likely to hit them hard if not now then later in life.

Even when he’s offering to take them up once a month and she doesn’t even bother with them that often now?

Absolutely true - and sitting in those traffic jams with children/teens on a regular basis is not comparable to going on holiday a few times a year.

I drove from much further south on the M5 to Looe the other day, on a Tuesday in good weather and not a lot of traffic and it took me almost 6 hours, which included a single loo stop. There were loads of roadworks and a slow crawl across the Tamar bridge. Coming home took an hour longer because of an accident. I'd say that Manchester to anywhere in Cornwall is realistically a 7-8-hour drive taking into account toilet and food stops with children. The kids will end up resenting having to spend so much time in the car and in the summer the journey could be hours longer.

Get proper legal advice, OP, but I would do it. I echo what PP posters have said that no relationship with their mother is better than a damaging one. If you are happy to commit to travelling to her then you can honestly say you are doing whatever you can to focilitate contact. It sounds like you would all have a great family life with extended family - I wouldn't deny them that for the sake of a mother who can't be arsed.

Their mother sounds horrible! She lives 5 minutes away and hardly bothers to see them. I'd move your family to Cornwall if you can do this legally but don't commit to taking the children back to Manchester once a month. If their mother can buzz off to Spain and leave them, she can make the journey to Cornwall to visit them. Good luck!

I think Cornwall and the stable relationships they have with both sets of your and your partners parents far outweighs the life they'd have in manchester. You can make a proper childhood for them down south, and you'd presumably be near the sea. How idyllic.

Their mother sounds like she's had chance after chance and parents like that rarely change, so fuck her. I don't know legally where you stand, but I'd go to Cornwall in a heartbeat.

There's direct flights Newquay to Manchester 🛩

This.

OP you need to get legal advice but I hope you are able to make the move. It sounds like it is in the best interests of your DC.

I'm fairly certain that if you were a woman posting about your very unreliable ex husband then all the posters on here would be telling you to move.

If there's no court order, there's nothing to stop you moving within the jurisdiction (e.g. England). If it really is the best thing for the kids, you can move, and then deal with the fallout - which sounds like it will be minimal. If she takes you to court, you'll stand a very good chance of the court agreeing with you (not guaranteed however).

You do have a bit of a challenge re. school, in that 1 parent is not meant to just choose a new school without the other one agreeing. That sounds like it will be impossible, so you have to decide whether you go to court to get permission (Specific Issue Order) or again, go ahead and do it and deal with the fallout.

At the end of the day, the court is meant to prioritise what's best for the kids. There also is the fundamental principle that the child has the right to a relationship with both parents, and you're definitely making that more difficult, but if you are willing to drive every month and on holidays, that is probably acceptable.

However, that is very far!!! It's going to be right pain in the arse of a journey for half the year.

Could you compromise? Bristol for example? Much quicker access to Cornwall, a nice place in and of itself, and an ok train connection to Manchester so not completely relying on driving.

Also, the kids may say they want to go now, but when they hit their teenage years they might not feel the same. In general, seems to me there's not really all that much to keep kids occupied in the off season unless they absolutely love doing watersports in cold water with a wetsuit. There's an awful lot more for teens to do in Manchester.

Not to mention, they are highly unlikely to stick around for uni and first job etc. If you're lucky, they'll move back in their 20s or 30s or something, but it's pretty likely they won't.

So you're looking at something that might be great for 5-10 years and then starts looking not so great. Still, it might be the right move, but it might be more hassle than it's worth for a fairly short time.

I would do it. Presumably you have evidence that she doesn't see them and to be honest I think
a) she won't take you to court however much she threatens
b) if she takes you to court they will side with you and
c) she will use it as a sob story about how you're an evil ex who took her kids away rather than her not wanting the children.

Create a memory box for your kids of the whole process so that when they're adults and she tells them you were an evil bastard who took her kids away, you can ask them if they would like to see the truth for themselves. Show them printouts of the texts and emails etc.

There are trains in cornwall

Also just to add that's such a shame for your kids and so pathetic of the mother. It's bad enough when a dad does that, it's seems all but impossible for a mother to.

sigh what is with some people

And aeroplanes!

I would move. Yes, it is a long way, but you are very unlikely to be driving up once a month. She is currently only seeing them a couple of times a year, and you can manage that, or buy a plane ticket as other posters' suggested. Someone who is so lax a parent is unlikely to make a big fight against this in court.

I'm with the posters on here who see a relationship with a flakey parent as not good for kids. I think it's really detrimental to them to be let down by their mother so often and they will be better off further away from her so that there isn't the expectation she will see them weekly and then the inevitable disappointment when she lets them down. Evidence suggests that contact with unreliable parents is detrimental to children.

However, it is assumed by our courts that kids benefit from relationships with both parents pretty much regardless of how unreliable they are. It's not an evidence based assumption, it's an assumption made primarily for the benefit of men (who have tended to be the unreliable parent in such cases). So if she can get it together enough to take you to court for a specific issues order, she may well be granted one forbidding you from moving the children. If you have a lot of evidence that she has had little contact over a long period of time and that the kids stand to gain a lot from moving to Cornwall you stand more chance of winning. You'd need good legal advice about your chances.

It's worth noting that the courts can't actually forbid you from moving. They can only forbid the children from being moved. So if there is zero chance that your ex would take on their care full time, you probably could force her to accept by moving and saying you'll have the kids if she agrees to them living in Cornwall. But that's a pretty high stakes game of brinkmanship and risks the kids feeling like they aren't wanted by either of you.