Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

If you have full custody it's your choice if you want to move.
I was actually a child in this position and my Dad travelled to see me sometimes and I travelled to see him sometimes- if your ex-wife wants a relationship with her children she'll make the effort, if not, your kids still haven't really missed out.
Living somewhere just because it is more convenient for your ex-wife's occasional visits is daft.

Absolutely move to Cornwall. Sounds like a wonderful environment for your kids to be surrounded by friends and extended family.

You’ve given her the option of seeing the kids once per month which is more than she is seeing them now. I don’t see why you should have to put your lives on hold for someone who doesn’t want to put the effort in.

I agree with this , if this was about a feckless dad that never saw the dcs and was unreliable and didn't pay maintenance everyone eould be saying go and make a new life for you and your young Dcs .

I'd say go for it , let their mum know where they are , help with them visiting her keep the peace if you can . Don't bad mouth ( I am not saying you do ) her .
In years to come she may sort herself out and become a good mum but right now your DCs should come 1st .

I would go a head with the move. You need legal advice on whether as resident parent you can do it or if you need to apply for permission from the court. But it sounds much better for your kids.

When exh and I split we still lived in the same villiage. When new dh and I decided to buy a new properly we looked at moving to dh town (45 min drive) exh said no, at the time he had them eow and a night in the week. DDs also didn’t want to change schools or leave their dad so we bought a house in the villiage. Less than a year later exdh left his 2nd wife for ow moved 45 min drive away to live with her and dropped seeing kids to once a month. Where he moved to was a 20min drive from where we wanted to move to.

My partners mum walked out one evening and never came back home. She moved out and then had a sporadic relationship with him and lived about 6 mins from him.

I would ask the children what they want to do. Keep a diary of when she is meant to meet them and have them and when she does have them/turn up etc what they did.

she has no interest sadly and that’s more damaging for them waiting for her to love them and want to be with them.

id say make the move, given them a better life, but im sure there will be some legal advise needed.

good luck

I agree with you re Cornwall being best for your family. I understand why your ex is upset as it is a long way. Keep lines of contact open, can the children write or phone their mum when you move.

It sounds like a really positive step and I would be pursuing it in your position. Flying back and forth is probably the easiest and it’s not expensive.

I guess the concern is the mother might take you through the courts, probably out of spite from what you said. So I would get legal advice before moving forward.

Advice? It sounds more like you want people to tell you you are doing the right thing. You are not.

The only sensible advice anyone can give you is for you to get proper legal advice.
My opinion however would be to move. A stable, loving home doesn't have to include a biological mother, especially if they don't want to be actively involved as a parent.
If you move to Cornwall, I don't see why you should be 100% responsible for the journeys to and from Manchester. Some yes, but not all.
If the mother wishes to see her children, she can travel to Cornwall. If she can afford travel to and accommodation in Spain for several weeks at a time, travel to Cornwall should not be a problem for her.
Contact between children and biological mother absolutely should be encouraged and can be maintained through the use of phone calls and social media apps such as WhatsApp. But it needs both children and biological mother to want to do this.
I also agree that she should pay towards her children, in just the same way an absent father should. Having two children and then deciding they don't really want to be a parent does not absolve anyone of responsibilities.
And finally, good luck! I hope your family are well and happy and you all enjoy the amazing ice-cream and pasties and you have an amazing wedding day.
Go you!

Absolutely all of the above with bells on.

Gosh do them a favour, take them to Cornwall and give them a wonderful life. She may be their Mum, but they are lucky enough that lots of other people love them and treat them better than she does. She doesn't deserve to have them around if she behaves like this.

I think a mother that constantly lets them down and doesn’t give a damn about their feelings has no right to call the shots over where they live. If the children understand that it may or may not mean seeing her more or less, and they are happy to go, they should all go. Giving birth to a child doesn’t mean you own it, being a mother is far more than that and this woman is clearly no mother! You clearly have never dealt with children who have been so damaged by an absentee mother that the harm is virtually irreparable. By the sound of things they have no relationship to harm!

My daughter is a social worker and she thinks you should just go, if you have no court order in place your ex will have to go to court to get an access order, you would be wise to go to court when you get to Cornwall and get a child arrangement order, this will give you a lot more control over the situation. At the moment you are at risk of her refusing to give them back to you ( unlikely) but if she’s jealous of you moving she may do anything and you need to protect the children. with her track record and obviously the lack of consistency the courts will side with you but legally at this moment there is nothing to stop you going.

I moved my eldest away from his dad to get closer to family as he was messing me around and providing no support. It has worked out really well for us and my son now has a decent and consistent relationship with his dad. But I knew he’d hit the roof about me moving so I went to a solicitor to get the ball rolling as my understanding is that the courts can force you back if you move without consent.

it sounds like she makes fuck all effort now and if your kids would benefit from having more family close by then i think go for it. Otherwise you’re just hanging around hoping she’ll give a shit at some point while your kids can’t see their grandparents much. If you’re willing to facilitate their relationship with their mother then I don’t see the issue.

I agree. I'm flabbergasted that anyone has an issue with this. Go for it op. Cornwall is a great place to bring up kids ( I live here)

But op has no job offer or suppprt network there?

I moved 160 miles away with my daughter to get away from my controlling and abusive ex/her dad and her dad tried to stop it through courts (firstly by kidnapping my daughter and refusing to hand her back so I had to get am emergency residency order)but they didn’t prevent me from moving, as far as I am
aware I think they can only stop you moving out of the country.

To be honest, I wouldn’t take legal advice at all - I would just do it.
Let their mother take you to court if she likes. She is unlikely to do that as you aren’t stopping her from seeing them and you are prepared to travel to her if necessary.
Your 9 year old will be allowed some say as to where he wants to live and what sort of relationship they want with their mum.
Sometimes we have to do what we know is right and you are not taking the kids away from their mother - she did that herself. Instead you are giving them a chance of a stable life.
I would be surprised if she actually takes you to court - it will cost her thousands
She can still have contact with the children if she wants it

I think you should go and she could fly to see the kids. As you're the one to move she could deduct the cost of flight from Manchester to newquay off her child maintenance

As I mentioned before, the legal advice I was given is that parents can be forced to move back if they’ve moved without the other parent’s approval. Which is why I had a solicitor start the process to go through family courts to get my move agreed in advance. I knew my ex would disapprove and I didn’t want the stress of wondering what would happen if I just went. Whether he would have been successful in forcing me back or would have even tried I don’t know. But it gave me peace of mind.

This was the comment I meant to respond to with my reply above!

My sister was given similar advice but solicitor said it could take a couple of years to go to court and that the court wouldn’t make the decision to force a move unless they deemed it essential..
The would look to see if the children were settled, happy at school, friends, home etc and if the parents had a stable job. They would also look at the relationship with the other parent before the move
Courts are very very unlikely to force a move back if the children are happy and settled as it could be detrimental to them and a financial loss for the parent which, in turn, affects the child.
They are much more likely to put the financial costs of contact onto the parent who moved and to give the non resident parent longer access in holidays.
However op has already offered to pay transport costs and it doesn’t sound like the mother wants more contact time anyway!

there are cheap flights to Manchester from Newquay airport. That could be a great option.

It sounds like you and the kids could have a lovely set up in Cornwall. I’m Cornish and while I’ve chosen not to live there it is a lot nicer than Manchester. Cheap flights from Newquay could solve your transport problem with their mother.