Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Me and my partner are very happy and have a wonderful relationship, we are getting martied this year. I have my own business and money is not an issue for us. Last year was the same as this year, she would see them a couple of times a month at most and then go 2/3 months without bothering with them, she doesn't attend birthdays or events etc, and has no interest in seeing them for holidays such as Christmas

Because my buisness is in Manchester and I wish to move to Cornwall

I've lived in both places and know where I would want to bring my children up. And it's not Manchester.

If she's travelling so much then she clearly has some income, perhaps put in a claim for CM and if she gets funny about it say you'll drop it if she agrees to the move and you'll bring them up once a month for visitation.

I think it’s more damaging the fact she’s only 5 minutes round the corner and never bothers to visit! Those poor children probably get their hopes up when it comes to seeing their mum only to be let down.

I would move. If your partners father in law is understanding enough then you can organise to take the children back to Manchester during half term for them to spend a few days with her whilst you caught up with friends etc. seeing as she doesn’t see them regularly anyway it won’t make much difference!

Going against the grain a bit here, but I’d do all you can to move to Cornwall. The children will have (what you’ve presented as) a great quality of life down there, it sounds like all the important family members (except mum) will be in that neck of the woods, and they already have a good friendship group.

Given how infrequently mum see’s the children, and given your willingness to do the heavy lifting on the commutes back to Manchester - I find it hard to believe you couldn’t make the best of it.
It seems odd that the children’s mother can essentially hold you all in Manchester whilst being free to live whatever life she pleases.

I'd check the legal position, and if it's okay, I'd go.

Your children will have four grandparents all providing extra support, instead of one flaky parent. They'll have a much better upbringing surrounded by good role models.

If you were a mother and that paragraph was about your kids' dad,you'd be getting very different responses on this thread.

This woman gave birth to your kids, lives five minutes away, has no interest in seeing them, and on the days she says she will, she lets them down. I honestly don't see the benefit to the children to living anywhere near her. And if she was a dad, most people on here would say the same.

If you can afford to fly up there every month for a visit, they'll still see her nearly twice as often as they do now.

Their mother is a deadbeat. You could move, have the kids settled in school, and she probably wouldn't even realize it for a few months. I'd talk to a lawyer first.

I'm usually against parents moving away, but not when the other parent is a deadbeat. They don't benefit the children

This is horrible, but the problem is that if you move, you are ending any chance of them ever having a better relationship.

Uninterested parents often find some interest when their children are older and are less likely to be hard work and more like mates. This may or may not be the case here if OP stays put, but obviously there’s no way of seeing into the future. The children might develop more of a relationship with their mum when they can make their own arrangements but that would be much harder if they live at opposite ends of the country.

I dont think it’s fair to move them so far away. Even if they say they want to go, they have no concept of the consequences because they are children and need adults to make their right decisions on their behalf. Cornwall is a beautiful place but young people are moving away in their droves to find some opportunity of a life. I don’t think it’s ok to move children that far away from a parent when it will actively provide them with less opportunity than they have now.

I think it’s more damaging the fact she’s only 5 minutes round the corner and never bothers to visit!

Exactly! How hurtful must that be?

I don’t think it’s ok to move children that far away from a parent when it will actively provide them with less opportunity than they have now.

No it won't. Their mother (five minutes away, remember) has seen them seven times in 12 months. With OP's plan, they'll see her 12 times a year.

I agree with this. Moving sounds like it’s in the best interests of your children, and it will take some pressure off their absent mother. Ironically the distance could actually improve their relationship! Good luck whatever you do.

You need legal advice, OP.

Also, how sound is your FiL’s business? Cornwall can be a harsh business environment.

If the legal and economic perspectives look good and if all three DC are really on board, I think you should do it. All the loving adults in Cornwall sound better for your DC than their neglectful mother. And better to resettle while they are young.

I also think you should seek CM from their mother as a matter of principle.

I don't see why you and the children should be tied to that area due to someone who isn't interested in seeing them regularly. Speak to a solicitor about applying to the courts to move.

One thing I would consider is what would happen if you separated in future. Your employment depends on her family and you want to buy a house that she has an emotional attachment to. Do you plan on having child or children with her? If so, you could end up stuck there with few employment prospects. There is also a higher chance of your children moving away when they grow up too, seeking work or city life.

There is whats fair and then there is whats legal and they may not be the same thing
You will need legal advice and to apply to court to move the children that far I would imagine and if their mother objects I don't fancy your chances

Edit to say sorry, quoted wrong person

And spend around 192 hours sitting in a car for the privilege.

For now. We don’t know how the relationship could progress in future when the children are teenagers.

They might blame you if you do this op. It is far easier for them to say she couldn’t be there for them, because you moved them too far away rather than face the reality that she just doesn’t care for them.

@stargirl1701

dorset is no better, rubbish roads. I live near Bristol which is the half way point between Manchester (3 hours on a good day, 4 more realistically) and Cornwall is 2.5 hours to the border an extra hour to the end in perfect conditions

I’d move. Can’t understand why you wouldn’t just on the off chance their mother might up her game and want to see them occasionally!
If I was the child, it’d be easier to think mums 100’s of miles away, thats why she doesn’t see us, compared to mums 5min away and can’t be bothered…
I’d seek legal advice first though.

Go....those saying it's not fair to deprive the children of the relationship with their mother however poor it is are deluded.
This woman couldn't care less about the children and the children will know that.
Take them to have a lovely childhood in a fabulous place with a wider family who are involved, do care about them and are present in their lives.
Why should the OP have to facilitate the relationship for the mother?
Not to mention the fact there is the partner and her daughter to consider...they are missing out on the relationship with her parents/ grandparents.
So all these adults and children have to lose out just so one deadbeat woman can see her children as and when she wants ?
Ridiculous...put the children...all of them first ....

I think it would have been better to build a written record of her not seeing the dc, missing contact dates before telling her.
If you can start writing this now. The times she has been away not seeing the children, any arrangements she’s broken etc just facts not judgemental. Then speak to a family solicitor with your evidence and go from there.

You will have to take this to court I think, as others have said but I’m no expert in these matters.
I just wanted to say that I hope this all works out for you and your family, it will be amazing for you all living in Cornwall with loving Grandparents near by.
As far as I can see, your children’s birth mother has little interest in them but wants them nearby for the odd occasions she can be bothered to see them.
You could always tell ex that you are going to Cornwall whatever, so she can choose to have the kids full time and you will pop up once a month to see them…. or they can come with you.

@LewisS087 you should have typed as a women to get fair comments .
Id apply to the courts and go for it .
Their mother is taking the mick.

Keep everything documented if you haven’t already .

Seek legal advice .
Sounds like a great support network .
As long as you facilitate then seeing there mum .