Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

the whole travel thing is expense - flying is a lot and trains are also expensive

all of this will need to be documented

You can get cheap flights Newquay to Manchester.

I would talk to a family lawyer.

Have you got a log / diary of the times over the past years when she has seen them and of the dates she didn’t show up? Saved messages?

It's probably just a knee jerk reaction by the sound of it.

Newquay to Manchester is only 2 hours by plane from Manchester. She's OK flying to Spain by the sound of it.

I think you should suggest mediation to try and find a way through this. A lot of the mediators are very skilled and can broker an agreement with the most difficult parties without needing to go to court.

So your mediator might work something out like: she shoulders the costs of the flights but in return you agree you won't make a claim for maintenance against her (which you are entitled to).

Thank you for the helpful advice. I'm aware some people will side with the mother even in circumstances like these but all I want is the best for my kids. I don't claim maintenance for the kids as she said she stop contact all together with them if I did. The children have had therapy and as sad as it is they don't have a connection to their mum now, they realise she isn't interested in them. They have a happy life, they adore my partner and her daughter. I know some people mentioned the relationship breaking down but I have no worries surrounding this, we are an extremely happy couple, her father is a lovely man and if I took his job offer my job would je secure I have no worries around the job. It's difficult because my ex just leaves whenever she wants to go off on holiday without even saying bye to the kids then gets angry when I wish to move to a better place with them, I've not documented anything as such but I've got plenty of texts messages of her letting the kids down when now showing up to visits. I will look at getting legal advice tomorrow.

Your DCs (and you) will have a much better life in Cornwall.

I really hope you go and don’t let your selfish ex obstruct you from doing so.

Fwiw, I knew a single mother who used to take her DC to Manchester from Sevenoaks in Kent once a month because their father was too idle to make any effort.

Goid luck 😊

Id get the ball rolling. My friend moved her and her kids to Devon from up north. She had to go to court (dad was eow) and was granted permission to move. It does happen and the dad was involved in his kids lives. I’d speak to a solicitor as a first step

What a wonderful opportunity for your children. Their mother sounds completely useless and I think it's more damaging to them that she constantly lets them down. I say go for it and I hope you all live happily ever after.

I think it could go either way but from what I can see, this move is in the best interests of the whole family, especially considering that you are volunteering to facilitate monthly contact.

It would be interesting to see if she actually bothers to take you to court over it.

Do you have a court order in place for contact? If not, you don't even need legal advice. The mum would have to take you to court to prevent you moving.
I moved my kids away from their deadbeat dad. Initially it actually improved the relationship as he made more effort to see them, then it returned to how it always had been, with very little effort from his side (but plenty from mine).
Do not allow such an absent parent to dictate the quality of your children's lives.

No court order, we've never been to court, she left when my daughter was stil a baby and she's had some contact since but it's not been regular as she refuses to stick to it.

Well surely this makes it quite easy- put in a claim for CMS, she will then disappear into the ether and you can move without worrying about her. I can't see that having such a useless Mum is an important bond for your children.

I think you sound like a fantastic parent and you and your DP and both sets of GPs all sound like a very stable and loving extended family unit. I think the Cornwall move sounds perfect as you will all be there. I you will also have a better quality of life there: away from a big polluted city, outdoors activities, better weather, less crime, etc.

Remember you’re going to get a skewed response on MN because most of the people here are themselves Mums who will always take the mum’s side as a knee jerk reaction, no matter how awful she is. The children’s mother is a selfish feckless mother and I wouldn’t give a toss what she wants. The children are more harmed by her letting them down continually than by moving away from her. She’s not interested in them anyway.

You are being extremely amenable saying you will drive the children to Manchester for contact visits, but you need to be realistic about how practical that is and how frequently you can really manage it. If the mother actually cares about seeing her children, she needs to do some of the travelling too.

Do what is best for your family, do not have all your lives held to ransom by this terrible excuse for a mother.

Do you have a child arrangement order that was issued by the courts?
If you do it's easy for mum to petition the courts on a specific issues order and ask the judge to not allow you to move.
If you don't then mum can still petition the courts but it would end up in a child arrangement order which specifies where the children live and whether you can move.
If mum is that disinterest I'd move - and worry about mum & the courts if/when it happens.
I would stick to the offer of driving kids to mums once a month - and if pursued through the courts make sure the Judge knows that is more than she currently sees them. Your boy is pretty much old enough to say what he wants in any case.

Keep good records of contact days in case you need them in the future.

Go live in Cornwall and have a wonderful life with your children.

Life is too short.

Your children don't have a stable, secure relationship with their mum, she's obviously not interested in them and they deserve better.

And cars are free?

I did move away so I'd say go for it.
Both my DS and DH's DS where happy to move, they were consulted and given ( age appropriate choices, with them being able to see absent parent whenever they wanted, they didn't want to, as they got older they had the other parents phone number, both have never messaged their parent) neither other parent ever messaged asking after or for the children, both of us stopped messaging/ texting/ calling begging the absent parent to have a relationship with their child.
The boys both men now have bought property near us and say they loved that we became a 'proper' family, we are Mum and Dad to our boys and they are brothers regardless of biology.
Do what's right for the children OP you won't regret it.

You might have an opinion but a judge will decide.

If she cba seeing them, visitation could be over a holiday instead ie x weeks per year. The distance is then arbitrary- she could easily holiday more locally to Cornwall - the south coast is famous for a UK holiday and there are so many places she'd almost be spoilt for choice.

So my advice is speak to a lawyer. You need to go where your work is. You provide for the kids. I think a judge would support this.

You've probably got a good enough argument for it to be worth taking it to court. Gather all the evidence about how often DC currently see their mum, the job offer, your travel plans to support their relationship, etc. Make sure to come up with something that really takes the traffic into account, not rely on a best case scenario of early morning travel or whatever, which isn't possible with kids in school; you'll be traveling in heavy Friday teatime traffic. Realistically that might be half term and school holidays, not a weekend a month. You'll have to evidence that you've considered the impact of this on DC - that they'll miss family holidays and lots of the time where they'll be off school and could otherwise play on the beach, etc, to do a long drive to a big city instead.

Be warned though that there's no guarantees. I didn't get court permission to move DD (Kent to a county town on the other side of London) because XH, who'd bothered with contact no more than once a month for several years, opposed it. (That's significantly less than your XW.) The fact that when he did bother to have DD it was for a short period of time (after school or half a Saturday) ironically went in his favour, as the court took the position that this status quo should continue, in DD's best interest, and it was impossible to transport her for half days in M25 traffic. And my XH had a conviction for abusing me - the court didn't take that into account because apparently it shouldn't affect his relationship with DD. (Though of course it does.) So far shittier parents than your XW get their relationships with DC affirmed and encouraged in family courts sometimes.

Eventually it did work out for me, and I got back to the area where I have family support as XH got a job abroad so dropped his opposition.

I’d seek legal advice but go for it. The distance may make the mum be more structured in her contact.

Do you have any employees op?

You’ve had sole custody for 5 years, since youngest was a newborn, and you have formalised nothing?

you and your partner got together when you had a new born and toddler?

I think so long as you are prepared to do all the travelling to facilitate visits with their mum then I see no reason not to do this. As rubbish and flaky as she is, she will still complain that it's unfair on her because it's too far to expect her travel, and she'd have a point. If you will commit to doing all of the travelling each time then I can't see she will have much grounds for complaint.

Hopefully at least when there is a firm monthly arrangement to see them, she will stick to it knowing that the kids have travelled especially to see her.

I say do everything you can to move to Cornwall.

Great place to bring up children,one of my sons has lived there for many years and loves it.

It’s not the other side of the world for goodness sake! Fight your ex over this and do what is best for you and your family.

Yep CMS claim get the ball rolling there.

That;s good advice. Tell her you are doing it. If she wants to go to court to block it then tell her you will be making a CMS claim against her. Use that as a bargaining chip.