Advice on moving away to Cornwall with kids when their mum lives in Manchester.

[LewisS087]

Hi, I realise I will likely need some professional advice on this matter but I'm hoping anyone who may have been through similar can advice me on this for now

I have two children 5 & 8 who are I'm my care almost full time, the children's mum is supposed to see them every second Saturday and Sunday and then every Wednesday, she is not good at sticking to this and this year she has only seen the kids 7 days since January, she has not seen them at all this month (her choice) and is leaving for Spain soon and won't be back until April so it will likely be mid to late April before she visits them again.

Me and my kids live together in Manchester with my partner and her daughter, eveyone gets on well and we are all very happy, my partners parents live in Cornwall, they are lovely people and treat my children like they are their grandchildren, they really love them, a few months ago my parents decided they wanted to finally move to Cornwall and have started the ball rolling on that.

Me and my partner have spoken about moving to Cornwall, her dad has offered me a job in his company and partners grandparents are very seriously considering selling their house to move in to a little elderly support cottage type place. We would love to buy the house and accept the job offer.

I have spoken to the children's mum on the phone about this and she's hit the roof saying that over her dead body will another women take her kids away, now the issue is that the children's mum really isn't much interested in them, doesn't pay a penny towards them, never bought them a single thing, rarley turns up to visit them, she goes months without as much as a phone call for them, both children are pretty detached from her, i put them in therapy last year for a little bit as I was worried but there's not much else I can do as their mum isn't willing to regularly and consistently see them.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and moved away with kids? Is it allowed or would a court put a stop to it? I am In no way trying to distant them from their mother I just want to move and make a better life for us all, but I hate being forced to stay in Manchester just so she can decide to visit her kids one every few months.

I would be willing to drive to Manchester one weekend every month so that she can see them and would happily transport back and forth during holidays, but currently she lives 5 minutes away and doesn't even see them every weekend.

Any advice would be very much appreciated. Thank you.

Document every time she lets them down OP. She sounds terrible. 😞

This 100% mumsnet not the best for advice it can be very biased against fathers.

If money isn't an issue, can you keep your business ticking over, rent out your Manchester house for a year and buy in Cornwall? That way you haven't burnt all your options

Personally under those particular circumstances I would move, if you are legally allowed to. You can probably fly back to Manchester or she can come to you. If she were an engaged mother I would say no but she sounds crap. All this though is based on if your children want to, if they do then go for it.

You can fly from Newquay to Manchester in just over an hour. With EasyJet it’s on Friday and Monday so only helpful for school holidays but there are other options than driving 6/7 hours or more.

Tread carefully putting all your eggs in one basket by relying on a partners family for housing and employment. Cornwall is not an easy place to find (or afford) either.

Well that sounds perfect.

Do what makes your children happiest.

No it was 7 times since Jan, so 7 times in 2.5 months.

Which is approx once every 10 days on average.

I would stop begging her to see the kids. The longer she goes without seeing them the more evidence you have. It must be damaging for the kids knowing she’s near them but can’t be bothered with them.

You can fly from Newquay Airport to Manchester so if that's affordable, it might make more sense than driving up once a month. Faster and less tiring/tedious for the kids.

I think you should do it.

The kids mum can try to stop the move through a Prohibited Steps order, I think, but it sounds like it makes sense for your family to go.

Flights are from Newquay, the rules and regulations around liquids and the queues are the same as travelling abroad. It’s not something I would want to do with two children for numerous years.

Do you have full custody or is it supposed to be shared? Personally I think as she makes so little effort to see them and they will have two sets of GPs in Cornwall you should do it. Now the A30 is dual carriageway down to Hayle the journey is better but it will be busy in summer so you need to pick your times. I can’t get over a mum who has not seen her children in over a month when she lives 5 minutes away. Why do they live solely with you?

I agree.
I'd leave her to it, and keep a record of the amount of time she spends with the kids, and then use it as evidence to prove a move to Cornwall would make no difference to contact.

I say get some legal advice and go for it, your ex sounds ghastly and refusing to see the DC when so close will only impact them even more negatively as they grow older.

I agree - originally from Cornwall, still have family there. Traffic can be at a standstill for six hours over Bodmin moor at school holiday times and summer. It’s 6-7 hours from Manchester to Devon without delays. Not to Cornwall, even north Cornwall.

The mother is harming that relationship - sounds like she couldn't give two hoots about the children.

Be careful. If you both have parental responsibility for the children you cannot move them away, or change their schools without her consent.

Ask Mumsnet to move this post to Legal Matters where you will get accurate advice

I think with a parent who doesn’t care and children who are happy to move as long as you’re willing to fully support visitation and that includes the drive back to their mother since you’ll be moving I’d do it.

If she really wanted them to not move she would actually be a parent and she would also go to court to stop you. If all she can do is get angry about the children moving when she’s not seen them since February she’s doesn’t actually care.

Where is your family in all of this? Lots of talk of partners family but nothing about your own?

I would move. You are clearly putting the children first. The mother is doing all the damage here by being a waste of space. You are the ones giving the children peace, security and a decent family life in which to thrive. Make the mother welcome should she deign to visit though, but let her do the running. Good luck.

I am of the opinion that an unreliable parent who regularly let's the dc down is more damaging that one who is more formally absent so I personally would be seeking legal advice with the goal.of moving. I think your dc knowing they will only see mummy xx times a year, for pre-agrred holidays or whatever is better for them than the constant wondering if she will turn up today or not.

You are clearly the resident parent but I imagine you may need a court order to give you the right to make this move. So see a solicitor. Also do it ASAP because it becomes a lot more complicated when the dc are older and more established at school etc.

Please get legal advice ASAP. I believe if you have evidence of the number of visits, amount of contact offered to amount of contact actually taken, phone records, text records, everything to show that she just hasn't made any effort, then you should be able to obtain a court order allowing you to go.
If you were to just go without her permission is she vindictive enough to actually go through with legal action to force you to move back? Personally I wouldn't risk it either way.
You need a full plan to show the court this isn't a whim, you need to show you have a school lined up, a support system, how you will finance the move etc and how you will maintain a relationship with their mother.

Edited to add, whilst I don't advice asking leading questions as that will reflect poorly on you, I would change all future communication to written, via email or text. Anything over the phone or face to face is hearsay where as written is more likely to be accepted as evidence. Don't try and "trick" her into admitting in writing she's not bothered about her kids and doesn't want to be a mother, just keep it very factual, contact is on date please confirm if I am dropping the children off. No reply is evidence, a reply but then she doesn't show is evidence.

All of that is irrelevant. If she will not agree you will need to go to court for a specific issue order to allow for relocation.

I think you are right in thinking you need specialist legal advice.

in the meantime - document everything. All messages where she does not see them on her day. Buy a diary and highlight where she is supposed to have them and when she does actually see them ect ect

I've been where you are, OP. I have 2 DC whose Dad left when they were very young, moved 5 minutes away and rarely saw them, then eventually moved out of the country and hasn't seen them in years and years now.

If the option had arisen to move somewhere that my DC loved, where I had an extended family for them and work opportunities for me, I'd have JUMPED at it and not thought twice, even when their Dad was living close. His crap attitude to parenting did way more harm than good and it would've been much better for the DC not to see him at all.

In my experience shit parents don't get less shit. The opposite, in fact. New relationships and time passing means a crap parent just drifts ever more distant, occasionally dropping in to throw an emotional grenade into their kids' lives, until eventually they stop bothering.

Get the legal go ahead and make the move.

I hope you can take them to Cornwall. You are a loving dad.