SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

Don't send your clothes out of your home.

Change then into uniform before leaving. Or change them into clothes you don't care about. Not nice clothes.
Mum won't change. You can do nothing.

I'd send them back in uniform. I know that you don't want to, but it's the only answer.

If you send them back in old clothes, etc she's likely to try to turn it back on you.

I had exactly the same thing.

I was sending dc in properly fitted, weather appropriate clothes and he was sending them back in stuff that was too small or out of season.

I asked him nicely to return the clothes, or at least send them back in the equivalent and was told to bugger off.

There's really not a lot you can do without being accused of being petty about clothes unfortunately. I just asked my dcs dad to bring them clothes here and he waited while they got changed, or if I was dropping off I would get them to run in and do a quick change and give me the clothes back.

He bitched about it, but tough luck. Just do what you have to.

The clothes she handed back to OP ruined. I wouldn't worry about that but the easy answer is, yes, uniforms for handover.

Do you pick them up from school? We started picking up from mums house and getting DSC to change out of uniform or stand at mums door and specifically ask for certain clothes as you’ve not got any left.
It gets easier when they’re teenagers as they’ll chose clothes to bring which I know feels far off but this isn’t forever

Can you keep them till Monday morning and drop them at school, then there is no need for the clothes to go there unless the children specifically want something to.

please don’t do as the previous poster says and put them in uniform on a Sunday to go back, their mothers issue with clothes isn’t their fault.

Good point, yes - could use the ruined clothes.

Sorry to go against others but don’t send them back in uniform - that’s very confusing and pretty awful for the kids. They will look back on that as you being petty no matter how you try to explain it

But what can you do?
Is it OP and dad's responsibility
to pay for clothes on every Sunday handover only to be ruined? For 3 children. I won't but it's painful mum cares so little about the children.

Buy some cheap secondhand clothes bundles on vinted and get them to change into outfits from that when handing them back. Or go to Primark and get leggings and things from the sale rack! What age are the kids?

I don’t want to send them back in school uniform if we can help it as this feels really petty and a bit demeaning for them.

Someone mentioned they’ll be teenagers soon, but surely the problem will be even worse then. SC want to keep the “nice clothes” at their mum’s because their clothes at mum’s are awful. She’s getting second-hand bundles from somewhere and everything is worn, stained, holes, wrong size, not styles SDs like…

We had this too, we sent them back in the clothing they came in as we were often having to go out and buy new things every time the children came. It wasn’t the children’s fault but we simply couldn’t afford to be replacing things on a weekly basis and they never came with spare clothing.

On the rare occasions they come from mum’s house to ours in her clothes, honestly it’s so bad I’d be embarrassed to be seen out with them. So I don’t blame SC at all for wanting the “nice clothes” but I can’t afford to be spending £200 a month on clothes for them

But being teenagers you can say 'we bought you nice clothes - whatever' if they turn up in rags. Teenagers have more responsibility for clothes than primary school children.

But they don’t often turn up in rags, they turn up in uniform. We have to provide something for them to wear over the weekend and to go back

Don't.
It's not your responsibility. You'll have to accept uniforms and ruined clothes.

I would buy second hand clothes on FBMarkedplace and Primark but for two(?) weekends a month I wouldn't spend a lot.

Teenagers can bring clothes you have paid for from home. Quite simple.

Your young stepchildren. You need to keep the clothes tight and not leave your home.

If you don't you accept that you won't get it back ir get it back ruined and repeat. Mum wont change. No fun but lot of stepparents face this.

You need to ask childs mum to send a spare change of clothes for going home on Sundays as the clothes you buy are never returned. If she doesn't send them back then there is no option but to send them back in their uniform

Urgh as a step-mum I don't know the answer but feel your pain. I was actually putting some washing away last night and realised most of DSDs drawers in her bedroom are empty?!

I was a step-child so I know it's hard living between two houses but we've bought her school uniform, shoes, casual stuff for "playing out", trainers etc etc to have at ours to make it easier and so she doesn't have to carry stuff back and forth but still EVERYTHING gradually disappears and ends up at her mums?!

Do you drop them back on the Sunday? If so I'd just ask either the kids or their mum to hand over the clothes on the doorstep. What does your DP say about this?

If the clothes come back stained I'd wash them (through gritted teeth) but if they're ripped, tough shit, the kids should look after them better (assuming that the ex genuinely isn't a psycho choosing to deliberately rip nice clothes).

Our experience was that it was better as teenagers as they’ll chose clothes just moved their own clothes between houses.

Do they kids say what happened to them? Sounds terrible!

Send them back to mum's in their uniforms, or buy a few sets of cheap clothes to use (from Vinted, etc) for returning in.

Might DC’s mum be selling the nice clothes? Which must be heartbreaking for the children, particularly if they are loyal to mum.

To be honest it sounds like their mum is the problem as she is not providing them with suitable clothing. Not sure what you can do other than keep buying stuff to at least make sure that the kids have decent clothes to wear not only during their time with you but also during the time with their mum. I know this doesn’t sound like a great solution for you but I would prioritise the children in this case. Is the mum not doing well financially? Is that why she is buying stained and ripped clothes?