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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

237 replies

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 13:52

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

OP posts:
Dithercats · 18/03/2025 15:09

Pjs then.
Or plain white t-shirt and black leggings.
Though I absolutely would do uniform bottoms.

Mum will soon get bored of being a pain.

MumChp · 18/03/2025 15:09

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:07

Into what though? I think uniform would be embarrassing for them

Show quote history

No it isn't. It's just uniform. Not a big deal.
If they are embarred ask their mum to take responsibility and pack a set of clothes/pj to send them home in. If she doesn't then uniforms.

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:09

Shetlands · 18/03/2025 15:08

Into the clothes you insist they arrive in on a Friday (not uniform).

Show quote history

He picks up from school most the time

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2025 15:10

I have the same thing - but it’s me sending DC in suitable clothes to their dad and not getting it back, or sending uniform over that is never returned. And I can forget about any underwear.

I’ve never found a solution to this that doesn’t just punish the DC by not letting them have their nice clothes when they want them.

The only solution I’ve found is DC being old enough to pack and bring back their own stuff (which is basically where we are now thankfully). I still end up paying more than I should for clothes as sadly younger DC is not that organised and gets upset if it’s brought up to much (he has ADHD).

PS - my son’s step mum isn’t involved in any of this and neither would I expect her to be - why would she have any involvement in their clothes? So another answer would be to take a huge step back on the clothes front and to leave this bit to him - doesn’t mean you can’t participate in loving and being kind to them!

HAF1119 · 18/03/2025 15:11

I’d recommend doing a Monday drop at mums in uniform and offer to make sure that maintenance payments don’t change (undeclared additional overnight)

will fix the clothing issue your end, the additional overnight will likely save you money from that point of view as you’ll only really need to think about underwear going back the stuff you buy will be looked after for the weekends

satsumaqueen · 18/03/2025 15:11

I wouldn’t send them back in uniform, I don’t think that’s kind to the kids.

But I would make them change into whatever clothes their mum has provided for the weekend. Could you maybe add a shower into their routine so they don’t feel like they are being forced to change? It’s perfectly acceptable to change into fresh clothes after a shower so that could be a way around it. You then keep the nice stuff at yours for them to wear all weekend and then before they go home ask them to change into something from their bag so you can wash the clothes for your house.

With the underwear I would ask the kids to bring back the ones you bought next time they come round. Even if the little ones don’t really understand, I’m sure you could text the nearly teenagers and ask them to round up as much as they can for them and their siblings?

The other option as people have suggested is dropping the kids off at school on the Monday morning.

Shetlands · 18/03/2025 15:11

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:09

He picks up from school most the time

Show quote history

He needs to change that then and either take them home to change first or pick them up from home. You DP needs to step up and handle this so it's not an issue. He can also tell the children that he gives their mother money for clothes to wear at her house.

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:12

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2025 15:10

I have the same thing - but it’s me sending DC in suitable clothes to their dad and not getting it back, or sending uniform over that is never returned. And I can forget about any underwear.

I’ve never found a solution to this that doesn’t just punish the DC by not letting them have their nice clothes when they want them.

The only solution I’ve found is DC being old enough to pack and bring back their own stuff (which is basically where we are now thankfully). I still end up paying more than I should for clothes as sadly younger DC is not that organised and gets upset if it’s brought up to much (he has ADHD).

PS - my son’s step mum isn’t involved in any of this and neither would I expect her to be - why would she have any involvement in their clothes? So another answer would be to take a huge step back on the clothes front and to leave this bit to him - doesn’t mean you can’t participate in loving and being kind to them!

Edited

I think in our case it’s also SC choosing to keep the nice clothes at their mum’s because that’s where they spend most the time, so that wouldn’t work for us unfortunately. We are reliant on their mum choosing to return them and she doesn’t want to

OP posts:
Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:14

satsumaqueen · 18/03/2025 15:11

I wouldn’t send them back in uniform, I don’t think that’s kind to the kids.

But I would make them change into whatever clothes their mum has provided for the weekend. Could you maybe add a shower into their routine so they don’t feel like they are being forced to change? It’s perfectly acceptable to change into fresh clothes after a shower so that could be a way around it. You then keep the nice stuff at yours for them to wear all weekend and then before they go home ask them to change into something from their bag so you can wash the clothes for your house.

With the underwear I would ask the kids to bring back the ones you bought next time they come round. Even if the little ones don’t really understand, I’m sure you could text the nearly teenagers and ask them to round up as much as they can for them and their siblings?

The other option as people have suggested is dropping the kids off at school on the Monday morning.

I don’t think SC want to return the clothes either to be honest because it’s better than their other options

I think unfortunately we’re just going to have to get basics for them to wear all the time here and hopefully that makes it less exciting

it makes me sad for them though as they love having nice clothes to wear. And doesn’t solve the problem with underwear not returning at all

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2025 15:15

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:00

Can’t do Monday unfortunately as we both start work at 8 and breakfast club at their school starts then. Did suggest we dropped to their mum’s before but she said no as it’d change the maintenance

Can your DH alter his hours slightly to allow for Monday drop off to school as it sounds the perfect answer?

(we were supposed to have this but exh was so horrendous about still having the kids on a Sunday evening they started coming back Sunday eve)

Shetlands · 18/03/2025 15:15

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:12

I think in our case it’s also SC choosing to keep the nice clothes at their mum’s because that’s where they spend most the time, so that wouldn’t work for us unfortunately. We are reliant on their mum choosing to return them and she doesn’t want to

Show quote history

They can't choose to keep them there if they don't go home to Mum's wearing them. You sound like a wonderful Stepmum and your thoughfulness towards the children's feelings is admirable. However, you're being taken for a mug and there is a solution, which will keep all the clothes you buy at your house and won't involve sending them home in uniform.

ManchesterLu · 18/03/2025 15:16

I'm in two minds about this.

Firstly you could just send them back in some of the ruined clothes. That seems the most sensible thing to do.

But also.. they're not your clothes, they're THEIR clothes. Why should they only be able to wear them at your house? It seems a bit unfair.

ShriekingTrespasser · 18/03/2025 15:17

Save buying nice clothes for occasions and just buy a bunch of Primark underwear, t shirts and trackies/leggings. Poor kids. The pants thing is disgusting.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2025 15:17

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:12

I think in our case it’s also SC choosing to keep the nice clothes at their mum’s because that’s where they spend most the time, so that wouldn’t work for us unfortunately. We are reliant on their mum choosing to return them and she doesn’t want to

Show quote history

Ah ok. My kids just bring stuff they want to have at either given house back and forth if they want it.

I think they have to understand that you aren’t a bottomless pit of money, and that you can’t keep replacing nice things. So it’s either bring it with them or don’t have it to wear!

mathanxiety · 18/03/2025 15:18

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 14:30

I think it is SC as well… They often put on their best/newest clothes on Sunday and if we tell them to change they get sulky about it

Like I said I totally understand why but we just can’t afford to be buying whole new wardrobes every month. We do stuff with them on Sundays so I don’t want to take them out in stained or ripped clothes on those days

You need to get over yourself and bring them out in stained and ripped clothing.

Mum may not be behaving well, but quite frankly, you have a mental block here that is costing you serious money every month, and it is entirely within your power to get past it.

satsumaqueen · 18/03/2025 15:18

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:12

I think in our case it’s also SC choosing to keep the nice clothes at their mum’s because that’s where they spend most the time, so that wouldn’t work for us unfortunately. We are reliant on their mum choosing to return them and she doesn’t want to

Show quote history

I think you are being too soft. Either you suck it up and except you will forever be buying clothes or you need to tell the SC that the clothes stay at your house and they don’t have the option to keep them at their mums as they never come back and you can’t afford to keep replacing them.

I know they are at their mums most of the time but in reality it’s only 2 weekends a month they would need nice clothes for when with their mum. Surely during the week they are in uniform and then chilling at home. They can just wear the clothes she buys them before bed when know one else can see them. Or what you could do is forego the clothes already purchased and let those stay at their mums (they must have enough for a weeks worth by now and they obviously won’t be coming back) and then you buy fresh for your house starting the next time the kids are there but don’t let them go home with them.

Maybe from now on you could also give them some money/shopping trip for Xmas and birthdays that they can use to buy some nice clothes that they can keep at their mums, that way they won’t feel the need to take the ones from yours?

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2025 15:19

ManchesterLu · 18/03/2025 15:16

I'm in two minds about this.

Firstly you could just send them back in some of the ruined clothes. That seems the most sensible thing to do.

But also.. they're not your clothes, they're THEIR clothes. Why should they only be able to wear them at your house? It seems a bit unfair.

This is what I think - they’re their clothes so I wouldn’t say “this can’t go to Dad” even if it annoys me I might not see it again!

RaspberryBeretxx · 18/03/2025 15:19

It's such a tricky one as there's not really any way to fix it without impacting the kids. Presumably she keeps the school uniforms looking OK and it sounds like the kids aren't tiny so I can't work out why stuff is getting so ripped/stained/worn in a short space of time. Even my 4 yo doesn't manage that!

I'd do a few things - your OH needs to keep neutrally asking for clothes back, ignore backlash from mum. Just keep periodically texting "please could you send some of the clothes purchased for DC back?".

I'd also buy some bundles on Vinted. You don't have to make a big deal of them being second hand, just say you've bought them a few new bits, washed them and put them in their drawers. I buy things for DD 4 and DS 12 on Vinted and often they're really lovely and don't look especially worn especially if they had an iron (I don't do ironing!). Obviously that doesn't help with pants though.

I'd also look out for deals on packs of leggings/hoodies etc and also pants at Tesco/Asda/Primark. I saw quite a few things I thought my nieces (8 and 10) would wear in Matalan, a lot of sporty clothes that looked fairly decent.

Maybe you could also see if you (or your OH) can start work a bit later every other Monday to drop them straight to school.

MumChp · 18/03/2025 15:21

CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:14

I don’t think SC want to return the clothes either to be honest because it’s better than their other options

I think unfortunately we’re just going to have to get basics for them to wear all the time here and hopefully that makes it less exciting

it makes me sad for them though as they love having nice clothes to wear. And doesn’t solve the problem with underwear not returning at all

Show quote history

Primark cheap underwear is less than £1.
Wash the underwear they arrive in Friday and put it on Sunday.

Teenybub · 18/03/2025 15:22

If you drop off you could say run in and swap into pjs and bring your clothes out so I can get them washed and ironed ready for next time so you can wear them. If they get picked up why don’t you say let’s swap you into pjs so you can relax in the car and I can put them in the wash now.

satsumaqueen · 18/03/2025 15:23

RaspberryBeretxx · 18/03/2025 15:19

It's such a tricky one as there's not really any way to fix it without impacting the kids. Presumably she keeps the school uniforms looking OK and it sounds like the kids aren't tiny so I can't work out why stuff is getting so ripped/stained/worn in a short space of time. Even my 4 yo doesn't manage that!

I'd do a few things - your OH needs to keep neutrally asking for clothes back, ignore backlash from mum. Just keep periodically texting "please could you send some of the clothes purchased for DC back?".

I'd also buy some bundles on Vinted. You don't have to make a big deal of them being second hand, just say you've bought them a few new bits, washed them and put them in their drawers. I buy things for DD 4 and DS 12 on Vinted and often they're really lovely and don't look especially worn especially if they had an iron (I don't do ironing!). Obviously that doesn't help with pants though.

I'd also look out for deals on packs of leggings/hoodies etc and also pants at Tesco/Asda/Primark. I saw quite a few things I thought my nieces (8 and 10) would wear in Matalan, a lot of sporty clothes that looked fairly decent.

Maybe you could also see if you (or your OH) can start work a bit later every other Monday to drop them straight to school.

I think from previous posts the OP has made, the clothes that their mum is sending them in is really poor quality/worn out hand me downs from friends or bundles from vinted. She has said the kids are often in clothes way too big or small for them and she has even had them sent in trousers/pants wifh period stains, despite the kids not having their periods yet.

I would imagine the clothes are just so worn out before they are purchased/given that by the time they are worn frequently they are just getting ruined. I did also used to have a washing machine that kept making holes in my clothes so that might be happening here if she has an heavily used one.

The clothes that the OP boys are nice and new so the kids probably wear these on repeat and as a result they get worn out quickly as well.

toomuchfaff · 18/03/2025 15:23

MumChp · 18/03/2025 13:55

Don't send your clothes out of your home.

Change then into uniform before leaving. Or change them into clothes you don't care about. Not nice clothes.
Mum won't change. You can do nothing.

First answer nails it.

D4isyCh4in · 18/03/2025 15:23

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

This

Original poster
CrookShanx · 18/03/2025 15:24

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 18/03/2025 15:19

This is what I think - they’re their clothes so I wouldn’t say “this can’t go to Dad” even if it annoys me I might not see it again!

Show quote history

Because why should I have to buy six new outfits a month? If I let them wear trainers back we’d never see them again so you think I should buy them two new pairs a month?

OP posts:
Shetlands · 18/03/2025 15:24

ManchesterLu · 18/03/2025 15:16

I'm in two minds about this.

Firstly you could just send them back in some of the ruined clothes. That seems the most sensible thing to do.

But also.. they're not your clothes, they're THEIR clothes. Why should they only be able to wear them at your house? It seems a bit unfair.

Yes it is unfair but it's their own mother causing the problem and their father sounds afraid to stand up to her and solve the issue. It's the kind and thoughtful StepMum who is paying the price (literally) and she's the person who all of this is most unfair on.

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