SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

To rephrase the great Ms Cline - they have those little things, you've got him. If my dad left me to live with his new squeeze when and if I were 'primary school age', I would be doing the same as Princess Diana were doing to her step mum, and she did it with her jewellery, not stupid clothes!

If this is the case, are they not also old enough to talk to about packing their own stuff to bring to yours?

Can make it a part of a conversation with them before they come, so they know what they're going to be doing with you, and can pick the outfits they want to wear (that they'll bring with them from mum's).

Make it a facetime conv, and you can see them packing it all in a bag (along with something you can send them back in on the Sunday...)

I lived with foster carers. They would send me to see my mum in lovely clothes as they wanted her to know I was being well looked after. She sent me back to them in clothes that were tatty, too small etc. I can't fathom why as I saw her rarely but I suspect she was selling the clothes. Could the mother be doing this?

My sd clothes came back in a certain way or not at all. We once asked and asked ahead of a holiday as we were missing all sorts, went and bought all new to be handed two bags full of dirty stuff night before the holiday. She knew full well we wouldn’t have time to wash it. From then on she went home in what she came in, school uniform or otherwise but nothing left the house that we’d bought. ( awful situation and caused a lot of tension)

Sounds like they are being neglected. Have you contacted SS about this?

Because why should I have to buy six new outfits a month? If I let them wear trainers back we’d never see them again so you think I should buy them two new pairs a month?

I fully understand how frustrating this is op but you don't HAVE to buy new outfits each month. You are CHOOSING to because you PREFER them to be dressed more to your liking for a day out.
These are all choices you are making.

The most simple thing to do is buy the cheap primark basics and as you said, this might make them bring back some of the nicer clothes. And if they don't, well they are still dressed and you haven't paid a fortune!

If the basic clothes dont come back, when they're down to their last set or have run out, your husband can remind them/ their mum that they will only have PJs at your place the following week so must bring something or will need to stay in.

At this point, their mum and your husband can decide what to do, whether that be the children staying in, in pjs all weekend or them arranging between themselves to pick up/buy clothes.

Take yourself out of this as much as you can. You sound like a lovely step mum but those kids have 2 parents, let them ultimately deal with all of this and try to take a step back where you can.

I understand you feel bad about your children wearing nicer stuff but again, choices. Their mother chooses to do something different to you.

Make whichever choice suits you best.

I think you’re going to have to buy them some cheap stuff to change into to go home in. So they wear the nice clothes to go bowling etc & then change before you drop them off.

Surely at least the eldest should be able to understand that they need to stick a change of clothes in their school bag on a Friday?

Can You get her to pack an outfit each for the kids and you can put them in their nice things when you have them then change into what mums packed to go home ? I couldn’t put them in uniform, it’s not their fault !

Can you plan something really messy for right before they head back on Sunday? Messy play with paint etc so they have to put on 'painting clothes' and send them back in that. Obviously painting clothes are the shit mum sends them in, and you can even suggest they take their crafts home with them to show mum and use at her house!

Period stained knickers are gross and totally unacceptable, but are a separate issue to the mum "keeping and ruining" the clothes OP bought. Obviously the kids need to bring some clothes with them when they come to stay, but it is also reasonable for the kids to want to wear those clothes the rest of the month.

I thought this too, as its exactly what used to happen to my clothes and shoes.

That’s it. I don’t think they’re ruining them deliberately but a white hoody worn by a seven year old for twelve days straight isn’t going to look the same.

If DSS is wearing a white top for 12 days without washing, why hasn't your husband moved his children in full time.

Why is he leaving them 12 days if they're neglected?

He should have concentrated on the disfunction of his family before joining another family.

I'd never leave my children. Is there a court order for access.

He needs to step up, if that's collecting washing twicea week, he needs to do it or take them deal with the court later.

How is this lady primary carer.

Fair enough. Just wanted to play devil’s advocate on this as the main thing is the kids feel loved and not embarrassing about their clothing.

For what it’s worth, I have a similar character in my life ( ExH who regularly sends kids back to me with ripped clothes. I send them back in same stuff, but it’s not ideal for kids. They are boys so don’t seem to care 🤦‍♀️

I have this experience when my daughter goes to her Dad. And anything that does come back, comes back unwashed. It’s beyond frustrating. I have no solutions other than to ask the children to make sure they bring clothes back themselves. Some people are useless.

I would look to change contact to be Friday from school and return Monday to school. I saw you mentioned breakfast club starts at 8am - your DP should be able to put a flex request in and start an hour later every other Monday and either work the hour at the end of the day or an alternative day. This is what my DP had to do.

Alternatively, Dad needs to send a message on the Thursday night reminding mum to have all clothes together for contact the following day. She’ll soon get sick of receiving the reminder and you could always do a quick shower each before handover on Sundays, changed into the uniform to go back in and position it that it’s much better than everything being forgotten plus they’ve saved time for when back with mum as all freshly showered before bed.

I had this with my stepson. His mother used to send him in stinking, too short clothes, knowing we would go out and buy more for him. Then she would keep the new clothes and repeat. I got wise to her and would wash the clothes he came in to go home in. She kicked up a fuss that we were not treating him right (go figure) because we wouldn’t send him back in the nice new clothes. My husband paid her a lot of money in maintenance but she would still try it on all the time. That was just the tip of the iceberg though and we ended up going to court and being awarded full custody. She was truly awful (and still is) and was always trying to poison him against us (claiming I ruined their happy home and was stopping them being a family - we met after they’d been divorced for four years) but luckily my step son is now an adult and can see the truth and what a nightmare she is / was. Unfortunately there are some parents like that out there but you don’t have keep forking out, send them back in what they came in and keep some ‘weekend clothes’ for them to change in to.

We used to have this issue when the girls were young. In the end they would go home in our clothes and when they got home change out of those and into something from their house and they would bring “our” clothes out to my partner as he waited in the car. I had to do that as like you everything nice that I bought them never came back otherwise

Can’t you change the handover so that you drop them back to school on Monday morning and avoid the direct handover completely?

Send them home in uniform - easy.

My friend had something similar she collected SC on a Friday after school and they go back on a Sunday evening.
In the end she asked that they came on Fridays with PJs and pants in their school bags, so she baths them and returns them in their pjs and pants with school shoes on and uniform washed on a Sunday.
thats stopped the clothes going missing and getting ruined.

I’d be saying to them, you cannot wear that home because you have nothing else to wear here. Unless next Sunday you want to go out bowling in school uniform? Have the conversation in their room so they can see the empty drawers. Ask them whether they are willing to bring back some of their other things that you’ve bought them, if they can’t or won’t they have to leave nice stuff at yours. They’ll understand, even if they don’t like it. If they want to wear nice clothes at your house the clothes stay there. If they take them to mum’s, they have to put up with whatever is available at yours next time they come. You don’t have to blame mum but just calmly point out the problem.

Send them back in the uniform to make a point ..
Or can she at least send pj's they could be sent back in .

You are a very nice person OP but since you bought them so much underwear and other clothes, would it not be better to keep everything at your house and just allow them one item of clothes to go back to their mother, that way they will have nice clothes to go out when they stay with you. Explain it to the girls if you have to, that you can't afford to buy clothes every time they are coming to you.

Their mother is doing this on purpose. Send them home in their uniforms. BTW, You sound like a lovely step mum❤️

Thats still an entire outfit going missing every weekend, so would quickly lead to an empty wardrobe.