SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

Just buy cheap plain Primark t shirts and pants and socks and send them back in those + school trousers. That way shirts aren't sweaty and needing to be washed and ironed again.

Why are the clothes in such bad condition when they return? These are not young children so no reason for them to be in such a state. I would be asking the children what has happened for this to keep happening and explain to them that the clothes can't be replaced and will need to be worn.

I would send them to their mum's in the clothes with stains on as at least they are already damaged. By sending them with new clothes each time it just means more clothes will be ruined. Explain to the children that this is clothes for their mum's house and they can wear they other clothes when at yours.

To be honest I think they are just worn constantly because they’re the best/nicest clothes available. So when (if) they are returned a fortnight / month of being worn every day that’s a lot of wear

Whenever we ask for specific stuff back we get a lot of snippy “ the clothes should belong to the children “ stuff which is agree with if she also provided decent clothes. But she doesn’t

Just opt out of it.

I think it is SC as well… They often put on their best/newest clothes on Sunday and if we tell them to change they get sulky about it

Like I said I totally understand why but we just can’t afford to be buying whole new wardrobes every month. We do stuff with them on Sundays so I don’t want to take them out in stained or ripped clothes on those days

How?

I think the best option for the kids is for you and their dad to accept that he (NOT you!) is going to be buying all their clothes, wherever those clothes end up being worn. He can buy them secondhand to keep costs down, and lots of them so that there are always some at yours.

When one parent is shit at something, the other parent has to step up, regardless of whether or not it's 'fair'.

not sure on your timings but we used to send back in cheap pyjamas.

alternatively I’d do as others have suggested and try to get a bundle from eBay/vinted cheaply of clothes to send them home in. Don’t send them back in uniform - it’s not their fault x

Incidentally, your husband should also be doing everything in his power to see them more than EOW and school holidays.

We lay out clothes for the youngest but the oldest two like to pick their own outfits which is why I think it’ll get worse as they get older, not better

Buying six full new outfits a month isn’t cheap

So do that - they get changed into clothes for the weekend on a Friday
Change back to uniform on Sunday (or whenever they go home)
Clothes stay at your house

Take a breath OP - this isn't a hill worth dying on. They're just uniform, the kids will be fine and you don't need to constantly buy clothes

The poor kids. They are lucky to have you making sure they're not dressed in rags!

If it was me (this wouldn't work for everyone I'll admit) I'd double down and just keep buying bundles of clothes for them on Vinted - so nice things, but second hand and very inexpensive. But my main hobby is clothes shopping on Vinted and my DCs have learned to love a Vinted package arriving at least weekly 🤣

Send back Sunday evening in pjs.

Or as PP says plain white Primark t-shirt & school trousers/skirt.

It won't stop until your DH does something. The kids will soon stop moaning about it when they realise it means they can wear their nice stuff at dads on the weekend

This is what we’ve talked about doing (I think this is what his ex does, this and getting hand me downs from her friends kids) but it seems unfair to SC that they have old, worn clothes and my kids have new clothes?

Let them wear the nice clothes during the day but change before drop off. Again you have said they are nearly teenagers so old enough to explain why. I tell my own children things aren't cheap (which I sometimes regret when my daughter then repeats this saying things like I can't wear my nice clothes today as mum says they are expensive and I will ruin them playing at your house 🙈).
They need to take responsibility (and also see that it is their mum that is causing them to not have nice things)

Im currently spending more on his kids who are here every other weekend than on mine who live here full time

They need to bring clothes to go home I'm. End of. Mum is taking the mickey.

There's a lot of middle ground between rags and £200 a month (!)

Buy cheap new clothes or cheap Vinted clothes if uniforms are out of the question.

When they're teens, you'll find they'll have more interest in clothes and will not be happy to wear whatever crap their mother buys for them. Save your money til they hit the tween years. Their mother may be doing the same.

Try not to feel obliged to deck them out in clothes you think are appropriate. Try not to feel mortified about the state of the clothing that eventually gets back to you. Unless the children themselves are unhappy about it, try to remember it's all just clothing that will end up as rags anyway.

Above all, try not to let the children see your frustration at their mother's lack of care for the clothes, or for her decisions as to what they should wear. You need to avoid criticism of the mother - keep your thoughts to yourself.

She may ot may not be passive aggressively sending you and your partner the message that he's not paying enough to clothe the girls nicely. She may or may not be explicitly or implicitly telling their girls they can't have nice things from her because dad is a tightwad. Don't get sucked into her game if that's what she's up to.

Cheap and cheerful clothes and a good attitude on your part will result in a win for you in the end.

That's why you don't buy them new. You buy them secondhand.

Raising three children full stop isn't cheap, I'm afraid, but that's what your husband and his ex signed up for when they had three children. Between the two of them, they need to provide adequate clothing for their children.

Try reading all the OP'S posts

Hth

Don't buy more clothes. Keep clothes in your home. Send sc home in uniforms.
It's quite easy done.

If you don't like to return sc in uniform your only choice is to buy more clothes to let go. Then go for secondhand and Primark. Mum won't change.

Either or.
Make a decision and go with it.