SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

This. Surely the underwear is the easiest issue to sort as they can easily re-wear whatever they arrive in on a Friday on a Sunday? No-one can see their pants presumably. Though obviously the blood stained ones would be a no - I assume all three girls aren't arriving every time they come in blood stained knickers. And if they are, you need to speak with Social Services.

Send them back in uniform. I know loads of people who do this for the reasons you’ve stated

The answer is. Don't.

Dont be ridiculous. Its the only thing to do.
She wil soon learn that the only clothes she ruins are the ones she buys

That’s it. I don’t think they’re ruining them deliberately but a white hoody worn by a seven year old for twelve days straight isn’t going to look the same.

I think she might have a bad washing machine too as sometimes things come back smelling clean but with stains all over them. When I scrub it with stain remover it does sometimes come out. I think she just doesn’t really care

So frustrating isn’t it - we have sent countless pairs of trainers and school shoes back with DSS and they never surface again. Once his Mum even had the cheek to ask for money for a replacement about a fortnight after we’d already got some - she had BINNED them, claiming they were faulty (in which case DH could have returned them) they were Clark’s too, not cheap. i think she just doesn’t like them. Same with coats etc, it’s really difficult as you want the children to benefit but don’t want to waste money.

DSS also used to have swimming lessons at school on changeover day and his Mum never returned the towels 🤣 she must have had 20 odd of our towels! It was ridiculous- then she had the cheek to return what must have been her own with hair dye when we asked. I don’t dye my hair so it wasn’t mine!!

My ex causes endless issues with this. Kids sent back in rags.

Though to play devil’s advocate, if they come in uniform and leave in a set of clothes then this is going to happen, even if she was the best parent possible.

could you get them all pyjamas or something that they get dropped off in? They could bring them back on the Friday in their backpack.

or ask the mum to pack a change of clothes for coming back. She is getting their school uniform washed and ironed as well so it’s not a big deal.

if you get push back, you may have to suck it up and buy a handover outfit - and agree that with the mum.she’ll struggle to disagree if you pay. But just get a basic set of clothes from primark.

She has 3 children to sort. She might not be able to have the same high level as you.
Don't engage with what she does or not. It's not worth it.

Is the mother cognitively impaired? Why doesn't she care if her kids are wearing rags?

I know you don't WANT to send them home in uniform but that sounds like the only choice.

Does she maintain the uniform attire well or does that get treated like trash, too?

Polite message to ask for clothes back. Every time.

To go home, get multipacks of supermarket tracksuits. T shirts. Etc. If they get damaged these are still fine as garden clothes. You can get 100 per cent cotton ones. I think some are sports gear for schools. Just don’t get them in their school colours.

Not fair on the kids to dress them in uniform at the weekend.

You can go on vinted and buy things. Youll get more bang for your buck, as opposed to going to Zara or whatever high street shop you buy clothes at.

Or SEND THEM BACK IN UNIFORM!

For me it would be a non starter. It would be uniform or some old clothes. Not the nice brand new ones youre never going to see again

As much as DM is not playing ball, your Oh is in the position of Disney dad, keep them until Monday morning, school drops, job done. He is doing the minium required.

I know you’re right but it’s hard because my daughter is a similar age and quite into fashion. So she’ll look nice and have nice clothes and going out for a day having SDs in stained Primark tracksuits alongside her feels quite cruel

Dress them alike for the day.
Change stepchild into uniform or whatever clothes you won't miss Before handover.
Job done.

Ah, I just got the impression that the nice new clothes from OP's house - on the few occasions they did return - were also very worn/stained within a short period and that seemed a bit strange. I wondered if something was happening like the washing machine making holes that you mention.

If you see my previous post it’s not that simple. We would love to have 50/50 and used to (or primary care)

Our clothes do often come back stained, torn or worn out. I think her washing machine doesn’t work very well and I think the kids wear their “best” stuff constantly so it wears out faster

Firstly they aren’t your kids so really this is your partners problem to solve, not yours!

Send them back either in uniform or in some super super cheap outfits from Primark- leggings and a t-shirt. Get it in your partners budget (he should be paying). Then forget the clothes- you’ll never ever see them again.

Or send them back in school uniform, as many others have suggested.

Sadly you cannot change this mums behaviour.

I think as dad and you are funding decent clothes in both homes as well as maintenance he's fine to ask mum to cover all school uniforms and not pay extra for these

And I'm sure you don't want to be seen out with poorly dressed children either. I would definitely provide them with nice clothes to wear when they were with me but there's not a chance in hell I'd send them back to their slovenly, neglectful mother wearing the things I'd paid for.

sounds like she knows exactly what she is doing. Are the kids old enough to put some clothes for the weekend into a rucksack and take thatbto school with a favourite teddy or books etc?

Remind the DC of what they are doing with you for the weekend and ask them to take to school any clothes they want to wear. Is taking them to their Mum’s after school to get changed/pick up a bag an option?

Keep them until Monday without reducing maintenance.

Return them in their uniform once and the DC may then decide they do want to return clothes/pack a back to bring with them.

know you’re right but it’s hard because my daughter is a similar age and quite into fashion. So she’ll look nice and have nice clothes and going out for a day having SDs in stained Primark tracksuits alongside her feels quite cruel.
Is your OH contributing towards your children' clothing?
It's really not hard to keep good outfits though imo the children should be able to wear most of them home, if if they're worn out, it's because they like them.
How old are the children?

Yes, ask her to have a bag of clothes ready at each drop off for the next week

This is all their dads problem to solve, not yours.