SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

Or keeping them for her other children?

Feel for you as I have it the other way around. Ex keeps the clothes I send them in, send them back in clothes that are far too small. Now wants me to supply school uniform for his house...

If the children are wearing the clothes because they like them does it matter? You could buy some cheaper clothes for the Sunday return and nicer ones for the rest of the weekend, and explain to the kids it’s because you don’t want the nice ones ruined. That’s what I would do in my house if my children were going somewhere or doing something where their clothes might get ruined. Please also buy them a couple of packs of pants for them to take home with them. Poor kids.

Buy only super cheap clothes for them to go home in - ie Primark - and don’t let them take any more of the nicer things.

It’s awful as my ex is the same but he earns much more than what I earn. He does it to spite me, and doesn’t get the kids anything to wear at his house - not even winter boots, coats etc. He then tells the children ‘they are your clothes, you should be allowed to take them from mum’s house if you want’ or ‘you don’t need another pair or winter boots, you already have some’. They ‘borrows’ them from mine, then they don’t reappear.

Omg it’s not that she doesn’t care about her children. She’s doing 90% of the parenting for 3 small children, of course she doesn’t have time to be meticulous about clothes and which go in which houses

I went through this. Say you have a bag of all of her clothes that she has sent them in and you are coming to (or their dad) is coming to collect all the clothes that you've purchased as you have none left. I was the bio mum and had thedad who couldn't even pay child maintenance keeping all the clothes and shoes I'd purchased. I said I was coming and I wanted them all back and I went and did that. And when I got to doorstep and he hadn't done it I said I will go in and get them all then. Because I'm not buying clothes for you. I was quite blunt about it because I had enough by then. I then went in and went through all the clothes and found all the missing things over the last couple of years. Many too small now. All the shoes. Including single ones of slippers or wellies etc. If always felt cruel if I'd say no because the kids have their fave things and I wasn't prepared to put them in musty old clothes like they did to make a point to them. Or being improperly dressed or equipped for the weather. But they wasted huge amounts of my money and it just went on and on. Tell your partner (their dad) that he needs to say to his ex that he's coming to collect all the clothes and shoes you've purchased as you've bagged all of hers up for her. And stick with this. If she says something about the ones she's sent. I wouldn't even get into a thing about the state of them. I would just say that you've bagged them up ready and you will be swapping back over.

They do, but they are not. End of.

See, putting end of at the end of a sentence doesn't make anything more real or true. Nor does it end the discussion.

I would think about contacting social services.

I might start by talking to the school, see if they have any concerns

I used to have specific handover onesies to avoid this situation although that only works if the other parent actually sends back the onesies for the next handover. For us it worked as there were also a bag of teddies and other items that the children wanted to use at both houses so the onesies came with that.

How about they get bathed and changed into some nice pyjamas to travel home if it’s in the evening. Primark have quite cheap pairs. It won’t matter if these get ruined because they will be wearing them in bed.