SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

On Sundays we usually do an activity as a family like bowling or something on the drive back so can’t send in pyjamas (pyjamas are the one thing they always have enough of and in good condition as they never go to their mum’s!)

I do buy from Vinted and eBay, I’m not snobby, but it still adds up to buy six full new outfits a month

Have you tried asking the children to pack a set of clothes to go home and on Sunday into their school bags on a Friday?

If they're old enough to care about not going home in school uniform, they're old enough to bring something else

No, they shouldn't have to
Yes, their mother should be less of bitch

One you have some control over and the other you don't have any

Tbh not your hill to die in if you and your dh have them four night a months.
Just don't engage with it if you don't want (or can) pay replacements for mum's way to dress the children.

Clothes rotation can be really tricky. You have my sympathies.
I feel awful attempting to stop my kids from wearing their lovely newly purchased clothes to their dad’s as I know they won’t wear it back for months and then it will likely be outgrown or stained. I’ve done a Primark haul but that will go the same way too.
had one dropped off in a summer dress, no tights, no leggings. Why he didn’t say it’s not suitable for the chilly weather I don’t know. And I’d feel ridiculous sending them back in it.
Rarely do they come to mind in new clothes…

I’m only spending more on their clothes because I have to replace them.

Bought new clothes for all the kids at Christmas from the same kind of places. My kids clothes are still here and in good condition, his kids clothes are AWOL.

I guess the answer is bundles or Primark for his kids and nicer stuff for mine but that feels really harsh on them (and his ex will twist it)

Can’t do Monday unfortunately as we both start work at 8 and breakfast club at their school starts then. Did suggest we dropped to their mum’s before but she said no as it’d change the maintenance

Not sure why you keep saying ‘I bought this’ ‘I keep buying new outfits ‘

isn’t your OH paying for this stuff? Or dealing with this issue.

It does change when they get older as they want their clothes at both houses. This works for 50/50. But not sure if they are at yours only 2 nights out of 14.

Isbt the answer that they change Sunday evening after their day out with you and on way to mum’s? Nice clothes go home with you. They wear mum clothes/pyjamas back home to her

Yes. You can. You can plan your day so you go home and change. It's no fun but you can do it. Or simply change in the car in front of their mum's house. It's your choice.

Or you can carry on paying new clothes For every sunday for 3 kids.

But - shopping if you choose to go on can be done very cheap only buying secondhand/primark if you only need the clothes to fit. You have no reason to go for nice.

If you (or your OH)
just stop buying new things then problem solved really. Kids will kick up a fuss if nearly teens and will make sure they don’t have to wear uniform out with you on a Sunday.

What can you do?
Until now you just answer 'can't'.

Why do they spend so little time at their dad's house?

Every other weekend and half the holidays wouldn't be much even if everything was fine at their mum's, but if she isn't dressing them appropriately (in clothes that are clean, weather appropriate and fit them properly) then I'd be worried about other areas of neglect.

No, that's not snobby.

If there are concerns that the mum is physically neglecting the girls (shoes too small resulting in discomfort, blisters, complaints from the child), then a call to the mother is in order, with specific problem solving in mind, and the offer of mediation to discuss the problems that have been observed if they can't be dealt with over the phone or by email.

Throwing out shoes that are too small and buying new ones is what would happen if the parents were together, so maybe once every six months it would be reasonable to do this and just consider it "parenting".

But clothing that is holey at the knee, has the odd stain, maybe a thread or two pulled, maybe separates don't go together - that's not really a problem.

A child wearing a crop top and no coat may well be a child who refused to wear a coat despite the mother asking. Period stains are only a problem if they're not the child's or if the child finds them embarrassing.

If this is happening, you could let the school know your observations? They have a duty of care to a child and will add it to their records that the children don't have appropriate clothing (shoes too small, stained or soiled clothes).. then they can check in and see if they have what they need? Although if your DP pays maintenance and some other related costs, you may just need to accept that their clothing is now coming from your DP budget too. X

Their mum got a new boyfriend and moved an hour away without telling where she went and blocked contact, by the time it’d been sorted at court they were “established at school” so couldn’t be moved back. We often get let to have more weekends but only up to a certain amount so it doesn’t affect the maintenance. DP used to have overnights once a week too but SDs said they didn’t want to anymore as they have to get up really early for school the next day

You absolutely can.
When bowling/McDonald's/swimming/whatever is finished, then you go in the loo and change right before you get in the car.
You smile at the kids and say I'll get these clothes washed nice for next time. 😁

Mum can't say a thing about it.

Am I reading this wrong or are you the only one spending all this money and buying their clothes?

Does your partner contribute at all?

Could your DP insist that they arrive in their own clothes on Fridays? He should be handling this and not allowing his ex to trash/steal the clothes you provide for them when they're with you. How far away do they live?

Yeah we do, we always tell them when SC have problems and ask that they keep up updated

Sadly (for the kids) I think the answer is to just buy basic items from cheap shops that are functional but not that fashionable. The kids will be motivated to bring their nicer items back and to keep them in better condition.

Into what though? I think uniform would be embarrassing for them

We have shared finances but I do things like the kids clothes shopping and pay the bills

Into the clothes you insist they arrive in on a Friday (not uniform).

Yeah I think this would work, but it makes me feel sad for the girls because they’re just getting old enough to be into fashion