SC’s mum keeping/ruining clothes

[CrookShanx]

I have three SDs, great kids, no issues with them. All primary age.

We have them every other weekend and in the holidays. DP pays CMS and for half extra costs like uniforms or trips, he’s not a high earner. We buy all they need for our house.

They arrive on Fridays in uniform which gets washed and sent back with the underwear or coat they were wearing. They go to mum’s on Sundays in our clothes. They’re supposed to return these clothes next time, but this happens maybe 50% of the time and what comes back is often stained, ripped or just never returns.

I spent £500 at Christmas on new clothes for them all (high street, not designer so this was about five outfits each plus coats, shoes and underwear) and they’ve got barely anything left here. To the extent that last weekend I had to go and buy pants despite buying them each ten pairs at Christmas.

Wtf can we do about this other than sending them back on Sundays in school uniform?

She is 100% dressing them horribly to get at SO. And she is 100% saying we are stupid for trying to keep clothes at our house, she would never do that, we don’t care about them, etc…

I try not to let how I feel about her be seen by SDs but when one of them arrives in period stained pants that are too small (she hasn’t started her periods so these must be Sedona hand) and there’s none of the TEN pairs I bought her less than three months ago in her drawers it is hard not to

Agree with lunar1. I'd never send my stepkids back in a Sunday in their uniform, that is just horrible and demeaning for them, it puts them in the middle. Equally, I share your frustration! The best thing is dropping them straight to school on a Monday morning. Should resolve a lot of the issues.

Primary track suits to go home in

YABU.

The mum isn't ruining the clothes, kids get messy and clothes get stained or ripped. It is part of life with children. I think you sound a bit snobby about second hand clothes. Loads of people wear second hand.

How much CMS does your DP pay for 3 kids who their mum is feeding, housing and ferrying around 12 days out of 14? Do you think it is realistic for their mum to buy lots of new clothes for 3 children when they have clothes that they like and that they wear already? The clothes belong to the kids. It is petty to ask for them back.

I doubt that if you only have them 4 nights a month.

Why is it so little? Perhaps if parenting was more equal it would even out.

Mayby. But you can't afford to keep going buying clothes for your stepchildren. You mention a low income.

How many nights do you have them a months? 4 nights?

Of course your children will have more clothes in their closet as they live with you 24/7. No big deal.

This is a common problem in blended families.
Just rotate the rag clothing.
Once you have given the clothes to the children, it is up to the children to look after.
Don't humiliate the children sending them home in a school uniform on a Sunday.
The best thing to do is buy some cheaper clothes and let it go.

Make it your DHs problem and/or send them home in uniform.

If they get sulky, so what? Let DH deal with out and explain why they're having to go back in uniform.

Given that your partner only sees the DC every other weekend and pays the CMS pittance it may not be that she's purposefully ruining their clothes but struggling with the cost of raising children alone. If she's struggling for money her washing machine may be rubbish and maybe she can only afford vinted bundles of clothes. I would just keep the clothes at your house and buy a vinted bundle of clothes to send the DC home in.

Yep, never see anything again when I used to send DSC home. Send them home in PJs or some cheap joggers and t-shirts. Or tell her to send some clothes for the kids so go home in.

They probably do have better clothes at home but she will be sending them in the scruffiest so you will replace them.

Missed the post on period stained clothing, that is just vile.
poor children.

But you can't expect that OP buys new clothes for every Sunday handover.
I wouldn't and just send them home in uniforms or whatever clothes they came in.

do they go back sunday evening? What about sending in pj's?

Is it snobby to not want kids you care about in school shoes that are a size too small or two sizes too big? A crop top and no coat when it’s snowing? Period stained second hand pants?

You need to stop that. There is no need to be spending so much.

When you see that the girls have no weekend clothes or their drawers are running low, your DP needs to send a message to his exW asking that she send (or he can pick up) enough clothes and underwear for them for the coming weekend - Friday evening, Saturday, Sunday.

Or he could suggest they stay Sunday night and he can bring them to school on Mondays, in their uniforms.

This is a DP and ex communication problem. He doesn't need to accuse her of ruining clothes. He just needs to state that certain clothes were bought for the girls to use during his parenting time (these can be marked with a red stitch in a seam, etc) and ask that these clothes be sent back once a month or every two weeks in a clean condition. That is not unreasonable - it gives her time to wash and dry the clothes and have them packed. Or ask that she sends alternative clothes in a clean condition with the girls, or arrange for clothing pick up or drop off.

If there's no positive response to his suggestion, and if you think it's a big enough problem, your DP can suggest mediation to work it out.

Agree if return time is eve send back in pjs.

You've not seen the post about the period stained second hand underwear, have you?

As they are only with you 4 nights a month then surely the obvious thing is to increase o 6 and have them on the Sunday night too. You keep everything they need at home and DH gets an extra night with them plus gets to play a part of their school-drop offs (not for a minute suggesting you do this BTW!)

The simple answer is to have the children stay an extra night, or Saturday to Monday.

I learnt to wash & put aside and return them in the exact clothes they arrived in ...
I understand you don't want to put them in school stuff on Sunday, but I would shower them and put on Fridays 'mum' underwear pants/vest/socks and either PJs or white t-shirt & school bottoms.

Then buy a new pack of knickers/socks/vests to keep at yours - you only need 2 of each.

I also return in same coat/shoes.

Dad calls me every name going...and to the kids, but years of rebuying nice clothes that were lost/stained/kept on dad's weekend I got harsh.

Have you considered asking the kids to bring the clothes to your house so you can wash and they can look good for the weekend ? It means having to carry an extra bag to and from school but the situation is untenable. Or they drop off a bag of your clothing when you drop them off on a Sunday so that you can wash and have them ready for the next weekend. The last alternative is that you pick up after school once they’ve changed and brought some washing so they have weekend clothes.

I’d probably avoid sending them back in uniform for the reasons you’ve stated.

I’d get multipacks of tshirts and leggings from somewhere like Asda and send them back in those, plus the coat. You can get 5 t shirts for £9 in Asda, so I’d do that.

Wrecking/nicking clothes is a classic tactic. My friend’s ex used to pick her dd up from school every other Friday. He’d keep her school dress every time so my friend had to keep buying new school dresses. Really awful behaviour.