Seeing both families equally

[whodafish]

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

It’s scientifically proven having animals ( especially dogs) around babies and children can have a positive impact on their health and development, including boosting immunity.

Im a cat person and my cat and DS who is 10 months old, are the best of friends. The rest of my family all have dogs of various breeds and when visiting I always encourage them to bring their dogs and when going to others houses I never encourage the dogs to be locked away etc. I’m in my eyes, pets are family too.

My sister in law has a cat, since the birth of her DD the cat pretty much lives outside now and he daughter is petrified of dogs and screams if shes near one because SIL won’t let animals near her.

Each to their own but animals are a big part of the world and children need to get used to them instead of running the risk of being frightened of everything!

Only a couple of posts ago you were so close until you were “frozen out” ie you refused to leave your dog behind so you never seen your brother. Now they are so unsupportive even though in your OP the reason you won’t see your parents more is because they are “boring” and you want your brother to attend too!

Either OP keeps changing the narrative to suit the situation or that's a different OP with an extremely similar story 😲

Both situations are very sad for OPs parents.

YOU decided it was ridiculous not the baby's parents. So you need to stop complaining. No you do not owe your family equal time but stop moaning about it being boring because you haven't got your own way. You sound quite petty really. Surely you can go to some events without your dog and see all your family together.

This is a terribly depressing thread. Either block your mom on Facebook or tell her to stop whining or be kind and hang out with your family sometimes. You are allowing yourself to get annoyed by something you have no intention of changing so just… stop

for what it’s worth I think it’s really sad that you find your parents boring so therefore want to avoid them. Unless there’s some horrible backstory that’s just awful.

But OP's mum was fine not seeing much of OP until she found out that OP was spending more time with her in-laws.

If your mum wasn't supportive and was too busy to see you when you left an abusive relationship, she doesn't have the right to get upset because you have managed to build a great relationship with your in-laws and it makes her feel excluded.

Does your mum realise how hurt you were with her lack of support after you left an abusive relationship and that it has damaged your relationship with her, probably irrevocably? She also took your brother's side about the dog so it just feels like sour grapes on her part as she only started wanting to see you more to try and stop you seeing your in-laws so often.

Cocker Spaniels are known to be aggressive so I understand why your brother didn’t want your dog there. I don’t understand why you have to take your dog everywhere though. You don’t owe your family time, but if this was an are you the AH post I would be saying yes for not compromising.

12% of Cocker Spaniels are more aggressive than Rottweilers and my friend who works at the Dog Trust was the one who told me they were a dangerous breed, even if not recognised in law.

You don’t have to see each side of the family equally, we don’t and everyone is fine. When your Mum says it looks like you had a lovely time you can just say that you did.
If she starts to moan that you don’t spend as much time with them as you do your DP side of the family, you can just say you enjoy spending time with them outside etc The dog is a bit of a red herring, you don’t enjoy spending time with your family regardless, and if that’s the case then you don’t have to feel obligated to spend time with them.
We are a doggy family, if we are meeting up with family members in a dog friendly place ie national trust, the beach etc we take the dog. I don’t ask other members of the family we are meeting, if it’s ok for him to come….He is fully under control at all times and it makes no difference to them if he’s there or not. If someone asked me to leave him at home and I was wanting to see them, I would leave him at home however if it was someone I wasn’t particularly bothered about I wouldn’t.
None of my family have ever asked if the dog will be coming, if he shows up, the kids are always pleased to see him and if he doesn’t and we’re somewhere where dogs are allowed the little ones normally ask why we didn’t bring him, even the children of my sibling who isn’t an animal person like my dogs so I think it’s more you and your brother don’t get on and he is using the dog as an excuse.

Is it cocker rage? Or did I make that up
just now. I’m sure I’ve heard of a breed with known “rage”

I do think yabu for the dog situation. But not unreasonable for the time spent situation.

Leave the dog at home or with a dog sitter or somewhere safe that you are satisfied with to be able to see your family properly. You are closing a dog over your family at the moment.

Time spent with your in laws doesn't owe time to anyone else. You are certainly correct. Your mum probably misses you..although you know best as its your mum. Maybe suggest other things to do?

Sorry but if my sibling said they didn’t want a dog around their baby/ child I’d respect that and wouldn’t take my dog when I went to see my niece/ nephew. You have frozen yourself out by not compromising.

I'd love to hear the Brother's perspective on this. It's always so hard to have an opinion when you only have one side of a story.

No you don’t owe them equal time. Sounds like they are hard work and your brother has an irrational fear of a dog.

Keep enjoying your life.

My daughter prefers to spend time with her husbands family. Its a big family because his siblings have children and his parents are from big families.I totally accept this as her siblings don't have children yet.She is the only one married but has 2 young children .I do understand where your parents are coming from though.i don't mind unequal but the level of unequal can be hurtful.I dared to voice this to my daughter and she felt I was so negative she won't see me at all.Please don't be that person.Try see if you can find a way to spend time with them not equal necessarily but time.Life is too short

on its own - your mother complaining about how much time you spend with your in laws
however taking a step back and looking at the bigger issue you need to re look at your life regarding the dog. I am a huge dog lover I have three dogs. they sleep with me have their own car seats walked every day and have been in holidays with us. however I do not stop life completely for them. They are left on their own some days and have a minder stay with them when we have to go away. life doesn't not revolve around a dog. life has to go on. there are times that the dog won't be able to go with you. doctors appointment dentists(should be seeing a dentist once a year) weddings funerals etc. lots or places where the dog can't go with you. you do not know what life is going to bring. you could be in car crash tomorrow and be in hospital for three months.
and I would say this to a person who can't go anywhere with out a child too. you are a person and need to live life like that person. and I say that as a huge dog lover. life is short you don't know what it's going to bring. you have done well to get out of your relationship and get over that part. I would advise maybe some therapy to stop this co dependancy

You sound like the drama llama sibling who wants her dog to have equal billing to your brothers child.

your story is inconsistent probably because you want everyone to tell you how nasty they are and that you are right.

You definitely don't owe them equal time but tbh you sound like a teenager having a tantrum.
Get over the whole dog thing, most people dont want dogs around their children. I have a dog and a baby, so does my best friend but when we visit we keep the dogs locked away from the babies because babies are more important. You are choosing to step away from family life, they arent freezing you out. A human niece or nephew should take more of a priority than a dog and I'm sire your brother and his wife are really quite offended about that.

I feel like your family cant win and you are in fact choosing to freeze yourself out. Have you had any counselling after your abusive relationship because you seem extremely invested in new partner and his family, to the detriment of your own including a new baby?
You cba with your parents because they are a bit boring and stuffy- what age are you 16? Most parents get a bit like this as they age but we love and value them not want to ignore them because they arent as fun as your new boyfriends family.
And you're.refusing to see brother, his wife and baby unless you get to dictate that your dog comes, again another silly excuse. You are choosing to keep your own family at a distance and if that's what you want then fine but make sure it's coming from a real place, not just that you have a new BF and he has a more fun family cause it all sounds like it could easily blow up in your face.

But more reasonable not to want a baby near my dog!

You literally said you miss the times at your parents when everyone was there cos it was more enjoyable now your saying they are stuffy he is dictatorial. And you don't wanna see them anyway. Then be the big girl amd be honest you stopped seeing them cos it was easier amd you didn't want to any way. Now you are trying to blame their hurt on theur actions they made a request you said no and jigged off to the fun family. Your mum has a right to be hurt you talk awfully about them

You sound ungrateful, unkind and unpleasant.

and the whole “my dog was by my side through an abusive relationship” crap…well sure, it’s a dog. It doesn’t get a choice where it is or isn’t does it?

My dog is my family. End of.

How does your mother know how much time you spend with your ILs to become upset about it?

Not read the full thread but read enough I have the gist I think.

similar dynamics in my family. Completely different issues but my parents ultimately sided with my brother expecting me to always comprise while he got to dictate.

i also have abusé relationship in my past. For me I realised this expectation my brother would come first or more to the point I must always give way to others and people please while that expectation was never put on other siblings was WHY I walked ignorantly into an abusive marriage. They also didn’t support me when I left. my mother is also all about appearances and wants to look good and loves a chance to show how amazing she is.

my mother makes her comments I don’t make the effort to visit her much. My response is well there’s an open invite to visit me whenever you like. She then doesn’t because what she really wants is that act of obligation visit and have a meal and look like a good family regardless of how that suits my young children in her not child proofed house. In your situation I’d do the same with your mum. Respond with “of course you would be welcome to come out to x day out with us shall we put it in the diary?” “You are always welcome to visit us just give us notice so we don’t double book” etc. If she genuinely cares about getting time with you that will be great news to her. If she only wants you to preform your daughterly dutiful visit you don’t have to feel guilty because you make the invites when she moans at you. if she continues to moan then you may start to want to put firmer boundaries in place and tell her to stop guilting you. Honestly it’s liberating when a narcissistic parent who led you down the path to abusive adult relationships realises you could happily live without them and won’t be taking shit anymore. They still need that tether to you so they can play happy family for the wider world. so after an adjustment period and a couple phases of low contact due to them pushing back they do just accept you are not that child to mould and guilt anymore and meet you halfway/your way