Seeing both families equally

[whodafish]

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

I understand op, I don’t think you’ve been unreasonable at all, your brother doesn’t want the dog, fair enough, so now it’s just you and your dps, which is all a bit boring and formal.
Whereas your in laws are a bit more fun
Stick with what you are doing, maybe ask your dps to your house more, put the ball in their court

Goodness you really are hard work.

Forgetting about the dog obsession and the weird brother for a minute, basically you're wondering if you have to spend as much time with you parents as you do with your 'in laws' now your parents have seen what fun you have with 'in laws'?

Although it seems like your parents haven't always been there for you in a way you'd hope or expect, if you do love them, it might be nice to try a bit and not write off time spent with them because you find it dull. It might even rebuild your relationship.

Can you invite them out with your 'in laws' so they can experience what you enjoy together? Not every time but maybe next time, see how it goes?

Or, suggest things you like to them, suggest they try something new rather than a 'stuffy' lunch. tell them: 'Me and John are going to this place on Saturday, would you like to come?

I have always seen my family every month to 6 weeks.

So you’re making huge issue out of not taking your dog to one outing for 2-3 hours every 6 weeks max?

Sometimes in families / relationships / friendships, one side has to make the compromise. Another time it may be the other side. Sometimes it may be give on both sides. That's what compromise is. Some give, somewhere, by one of the parties involved for that particular thing.

I think it was down to the dog

@whodafish just a question. If you were invited to a wedding would you bring your dog?

I'm not being invited to a wedding?

In the same way as I left her at home for 6 months worth of visits when the baby was born I'd leave her at home for a wedding. What I wasn't prepared to do was leave my dog at home on a visit to a park when there are other bloody dogs there!!!

you are hurt @whodafish OK! I do get that.

but "it seems" you are, actually, punishing your parents because they were rubbish when you had your break-up?

Do your partner's parents really supercede the feelings you have for your own family?

But I am not seeing my parents any less that I ever did, so what is the punishment?

Your parents won't be here forever. Just remember that.

Although - I do think your brother not letting a dog go to the park with you IS ridiculous.

You've made this decision, not your brother.

He hasn't dictated you can't come if he and his DCs are there; he's said he won't be there if your dog is. For whatever reason, that's his choice to make. You're choosing to not see him and his family because you won't leave your pet at home.

Not everyone likes dogs or wants to spend time around them for numerous reasons.

Look if you can't understand that some (many) parents choose not to have dogs around their children and that is a perfectly reasonable choice, and also then choose to exclude themselves (not you!) from places where dogs are, then we can't help you.

Simply, your brother and DIL do not want their child around your dog, and that is entirely their choice to make, and is entirely reasonable. You trying to insist on bringing your dog or refusing to come without your dog when you know this is selfish and unreasonable and you are simply not seeing things from their point of view at all.

Your parents are trying to see you separately to your DB -which is reasonable. Indeed they seem to be bending over backwards to try to spend time with you. Nothing you've written says anything else.

What you want, you, your dog, your parents, your DB and SIL and DN all together isn't going to happen - the reasoning behind this is quite reasonable and you need to accept this. Like it or not, dogs (even ones whose owners insist are soppy and wouldn't harm a fly) frequently harm babies and young children and many parents choose not to take that risk. This is reasonable and their prerogative.

You have thrown your toys out of the pram and have basically said if you can't have your own way then you're going to punish them by not seeing them at all.

You sound awfully self centred and lacking in any understanding of anyone's feelings or needs but your own and your dogs. It's a very inflexible view point, very selfish and very much "my way or the highway". It comes across as quite manipulative - "if you don't do what I want, then I'm going to punish you by withdrawing my company".

If you knew that you were going to be going to the park why didnt you just take the dog along with you? Nobody can stop you taking it to a public place where dogs are allowed. The can moan a bit perhaps but you can also ignore that.

You don’t have to see them equally, you can choose who to spend time with.
It does feel like you are trying to compound the issues with your family though by being quite stubborn in your stance.
Some families are fractured and yours is probably on its way to becoming like that.
The thing to consider with that is if things fall apart with your DP in the future you will likely end up all alone with your dog, and your family will have moved on without you. Your brother and their child probably are having cosy (to use your word) “instagrammable” days together, it’s just you won’t be part of any of those memories.

Actually instagrammable was my mothers word.

When things fell apart with my ex my family weren't there so I doubt I'd be missing out on anything.

So do I. But I'd also be interested in hearing the brother's side of this.

Then you’ve chosen your dog over spending a couple of hours dog free with your niece/nephew. Which is your choice. But you were not “pushed out”

some people are not comfortable with animals around their babies.

Indeed. Somehow I can't imagine OP just bringing the dog to the park portion of the meet up. I expect she'd also want her dog included before and after. And I imagine there'd be an almighty drama if she was expected to take her dog home after the walk.

And, tbf, there's a big difference between some dogs metres away in a park, and one with your family group, directly with you.

I'm a dog lover and dog owner. But I 100% understand and would respect the wishes of someone who didn't want me to bring my dog along because they had a young baby.

He thinks I'm a dick. He knows my dog can be left at home but I choose not to so thinks I should spend time with his family in the way that he wants.

His in-laws are very conservative and he was embarrassed when I left my ex. My brother has been married for 15 years, in that time I have had 3 boyfriends, my brother tries to keep that from his wife's family.

Now your just making up a narrative to give me a kick.

You've literally said "I don't want to leave my dog behind, she's my family". You've created all this drama because you were asked not to bring your dog into other people's homes. Exactly what narrative am I making up? You've already categorically proved by your own words that you create big drama when asked not to bring your dog along.

If it were simply a case of answering
"Do we have to spend the same amount of time with both families?" then obviously, YANBU, as of course you don't.
But, YABVU to refuse to see your brother, sister in law and their baby, because you are choosing not to, by refusing to leave your dog at home.

look at this @whodafish on several posts you've alluded to the fact that

"When things fell apart with my ex my family weren't there so I doubt I'd be missing out on anything"

if that, for you, makes you unable to forgive them, then that's fair enough.

Your original post suggests that your family are not happy that you're spending more time with your partner's, despite you saying

"My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out"

"They weren't bothered to see me, I left an abusive relationship and was left feeling desperately lonely because they were all too busy. They wouldn't care now apart from my mum sees x and therefore thinks she is entitled to the same and she sees days that look "instagrammable" and wants the same"

May be not punishing them per se, but certainly letting them know, they are not important to you, because they were crap when you needed them, when you had your devastating break-up?

I, obviously, could be totally wrong wrt your feelings@whodafish

It sounds like your Mother was happy with the amount she was seeing you, and favoured brothers family, until you got a partner and a family to have good times with?
If so then it's her hard luck. She should have been there when you were alone

I have an (ex) friend a little like this. Its as though you are low value if you have needs but become high value if you have a life. She ignores you when things are not good but expects to be included in fun times, and doesn't like you having fun with anyone else. It's why she is an ex friend