Seeing both families equally

[whodafish]

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

Your op is completely misleading. In prioritising an animal over your family you’ve shown where your loyalties and empathy lie. I’m surprised your family even want to see you when you’ve been so disdainful of them.

I think you’re getting a pretty tough time on here with the focus on the wrong things. My take is that it boils down to the fact that you are happy seeing them as it stands every 4-6 weeks, your mum now has got the arseache that you’re having a lovely time more regularly with the I laws (and kids) than with them and therefore doing the woe is me wail.

She also wants the instagram photos to show a loving family to share with her cronies. However it doesn’t seem like she has reflected on why you don’t want to, and I don’t mean the dog. To be honest I don’t even think this has anything to do with your brother but for the fact that your mum wants those large family gatherings with all the pics but that is to the exclusion of your dog, who quite frankly (and I totally understand) has got you through more than these humans. You could easily argue that you want equal time and atmosphere that your brother and his family gets!

i can picture your meetings with your parents because it’s similar with my in-laws. All very formal, little belly laughing, a lot of judging (mostly silent but not always) and a weird dynamic being created between the grandkids. Strangely there is jealousy both ways between mine and dh parents for different reasons.

jealousy is such a horribly emotion, your mums reaction is not very emotionally intelligent nor well communicated if all she wants is some pictures of this big family gatherings. Maybe refer her to some AI software to create them!

It's your right to choose your dog over seeing your brother and family.

You don't owe your parents any time.

You've made your choices and if you're happy with them, carry on.

My parents are like this too. We have such fun filled days with my husbands family, going new places and lots of children. Visiting my family they like to sit and watch tv and drink cups of tea all day which is boring to my children. But my parents get jealous of the amount of time we spend with my husbands family

I think your attitude is appalling. No, of course it doesn't need to be equal time, but if my child ever described spending time with me as a chore, I'd be utterly heartbroken. I think it's rude and disrespectful.

As for the dog, grow up. Your DB has every right to ask not to have a dog around a baby. Common sense. He has kids, you don't. The grandkids will always be a priority over you. You're an adult. God help you when you have kids of your own. Or grandchildren and hopefully you're not treated with such disdain. Your parents sacrificed a lot for you, unless there are other issues you wish to share? It's bloody hard work in every way you can imagine. Your attitude is selfish and immature.

So stop being so petty, leave the dog at home, and make an effort with your family. It's not all about you anymore, get used to it.

If your child describes spending time with you as a chore, maybe you should look at your relationship with that child and wonder why they feel like that.

OP feels no obligation towards her parents as they provided no support and help when she was in and when she was leaving an abusive relationship. She felt very lonely coping all on her own.

The dog is a red herring really. OP's mum was perfectly happy with the level of of contact with her daughter until she saw photos of OP having loads of 'instagrammable' fun with her in-laws.

You have no idea whether OP's parents sacrificed a lot for her. You are just making stuff up. OP is used to nothing being about her any more now that her brother has children. Her post isn't about that. You are telling OP that she must accept that she is right at the bottom of the pecking order with her own family because she doesn't have children but she isn't allowed to look outside her own family for the love and acceptance that is missing from her relationship with her parents.

I think this is the crux of it for me. There was never any desire, or effort to see me when I needed support and was lonely. I have focused on building a life for myself and now my mother is seeing that and is jealous.

If I had cut back on seeing my parents, then I would get that I am being unreasonable, but I am seeing them at the same rate as I have done over the last 15 years, the only change is once I would've seen them on the days my brother was there and now I see them on a different day.

She wants the pictures, but doesn't want to do the stuff, just sit at home and have a formal dinner.

So it seems my dog isn’t an insurmountable obstacle when it comes to seeing my whole side of the family together. After years of not being welcome around my brothers kids today out of the blue I received an invitation for me, dog and partner to join them all on a day out. Apparently my mother has finally put her foot down and said that I am not to be excluded anymore and family days will be just that.

Ive had to decline the invitation because it’s as humid as hell here and pushing 28 degrees and I’m pregnant. Does anyone want to place bets on whether the announcement on Thursday triggered the change of tune on Friday?

I’m confused, what announcement?

Then find a dog sitter and go when your db is there as well. I love dogs but didn't want a relatives dog in my house when I had a baby, honestly you are being ridiculous and cutting off your nose to spite your face. Yes your dog used to be welcome. Now it's not, it's not because the dog has done anything wrong but because either db or more likely your sil has just had a baby and is feeling a bit anxious about. You could be a grown up or you can keep being petulant and complaining that family time is no fun any more without your db because in your mind he is being unreasonable.

I haven’t seen my brother for years. I told my family I was pregnant on Thursday? A day later all of a sudden me, dp and dog are all invited to a family day out

They’re being the bigger person then for the sake of your mum

Oh did you post another thread about your mum and brother…

Anyway it’s a bitter sweet isn’t it. Your only
Important enough now you’re going to have your own child.

Going out somewhere together, isn't anything like the same as having someone else's dog in your house when you have a baby.

You are still BU.

Tell your parents you don't want to spend time with them. And you do need to go to the dentist.

Be prepared for your mum to ramp up the competition with your DP's mum about time with the baby. She is staking her claim early.