Seeing both families equally

[whodafish]

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

My dog comes to church with me.

I adore him but I understand not everyone likes dogs so if your brother has asked you not to take your dog to their house you have to respect it unfortunately. They may well soften when their child is older.

It sounds quite complicated and not just about one thing. No, there's no law that says you have to spend equal time with each family, but your mum is upset that you don't want to visit more often and perhaps knows it is because you find her and your dad boring. Which is sad for her.
There seems to be a completely separate issue with your brother who doesn't want dogs around his baby.

You don’t owe your parents equal amount of time, but I can imagine your parents are sad that you clearly don’t want to spend time with them. The brother/dog scenario is a bit of a red herring, although I think both you and your brother have a degree of unreasonableness about that. But I don’t really think it’s about your parents allowing him to freeze you out, your brother doesn’t want to spend time with your dog, you don’t want to spend time without your dog - your parents can’t make either of you change your mind, the only option for them is to see you separately.

One one hand you say you don’t see your parents more because you don’t spend time together as a group with your extended family, but on the other hand you don’t like any of them very much and don’t actually want to spend more time with any of them.

I feel a bit sad for your parents, you’ve not mentioned I don’t think if you have suggested alternatives to a boring Sunday lunch like inviting them on a long walk at a NT place or a pub lunch out. But ultimately if you don’t enjoy their company and don’t want to make an effort to spend time with them you should own that. It’s nothing to do with your brother or parents actions.

I bet if we all asked the DB he'd say the dog is annoying, badly behaved and treated like a baby by OP who won't do anything to stop it jumping around the kids.

There's a reason they don't want their children around the dogs. You haven't been asked to accommodate anyone; they've just collectively said that they are no longer willing/able to accommodate your pet like they've been doing for years because the family now includes children and for whatever reason (my suspicion is as above) they don't feel the dog is compatible any more.

You're trying to spin it as though they're the entitled ones but it doesn't sound like that to me.

My dog has also been to church, once or twice, but its not a regular thing!

They might soften. I wont now. They've made their position clear, they don't get to pick up the relationship when it works for them again.

I don’t own a dog, but I don’t understand why anyone doesn’t see this as bizarre. As a parent, do I have the right to tell someone “I won’t go to the park with DS if you bring your dog along” so weird!!

Mum likes to impress. So for her she wants us round and to get out the crystal and pull out all the stops. (which she can't do any more with my brother 😂)

For me I'd prefer to go for a walk or whatever, but she wants my partner to be "impressed". Its just not what we're about.

Of course. You can choose where you take your child, or don't take them.

She's 8 years old and really not a jumper. Around friends kids I have her on a lead, but many of my friends ask for their kids to see her because she is so gentle.

Mum is upset that OP clearly loves the dog more than any member of her family.

Which is a choice OP is free to make. I wouldn’t. She has. Some people REALLY don’t like dogs around their kids. For very good reasons. There is a child in my family with facial scars from a previously very well-trained dog, owned by a very responsible owner. The dog got sick, was in pain, unknown to everyone, went at the child. Spaniels have form for mental issues that can cause the same.

OP if you aren’t going to chance the set-up, tell them. And just stick to it.

Just to be aware OP, she might be 8 and not a jumper but https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rage_syndrome can happen. Did to my DGF’s dog.

Why is it weird? The don’t like the dog around their children, the reasons for that are usually pretty clear, so of course they are reasonable to say the won’t be going out with the dog. Honestly a park with kids running around and playing can be one of the worst places for dogs to be.

Do you not believe in therapy dogs and guide dogs either? Or do you just think blind people never visit the dentist?

Guide dogs go through very rigorous training, it’s hardly the same don’t be ridiculous.

What does your brother say about the dog, what are his reasons?

meh - you obviously don't like them so why not just say "no, you're too boring" and leave it at that?

I have a dog who I adore but I’d never bring her to someone’s house and I would consider it to be really rude for people to turn up at mine with a pet. What’s wrong with dogs being treated like dogs?

My kids are also my family but even they get left at home (with a babysitter) because some things are not kid appropriate/they aren’t invited.

@whodafish just unravelling your posts

I don't go anywhere without my dog,

I don't want to leave my dog behind, she's my family

At 6 months I quite frankly thought the whole situation was ridiculous so stopped.

am I obligated to spend equal time with mine?

I'm not punishing my parents. I just don't enjoy spending time with them

For me I'd prefer to go for a walk or whatever, but she wants my partner to be "impressed". Its just not what we're about.

Around friends kids I have her on a lead

Your dog, it seems, is the most important thing in your life, to the detriment of your family?

That's ok, if that's what YOU want

Just tell your mother you are happy with the amount you see her and your father as it is but you have no problem reducing it if she keeps trying to emotionally blackmail you.
You are an adult, you get to decide who you see and when, you refuse to be summoned.

No you don't owe them equal time, it doesn't work like that.

You are being unreasonable at taking the dog everywhere though.

@whodafish I know this gets bandied about far too much on here but why dont you just go NC with your family? Your pretty much already there with your brother by the sounds of it and if you find your parents boring and stuffy then it doesn't sound like there's much point keeping a relationship going.

I feel sorry for your parents. They invite you to Sunday lunch, try to make it nice and special and you dismiss it as boring

My parents are also quite formal, it's not my style but I appreciate they're trying to make an effort to give us a treat. And I'd be very unimpressed if my DH described it as a chore, instead of showing some appreciation

I'm very much a dog person and our preferred activities are ones we could take the dog with us. However, I wouldn't have wanted someone else's dog around my newborn unless I was 100% sure the dog would behave in an "appropriate" way. So my mum's dog was fine because she is absolutely golden and won't do anything unless she's been told she's allowed. My sister's dog is loopy and jumpy and while I, personally, don't mind being jumped on by a young excited dog, didn't want that for my baby.

Once baby became child, then other dogs, unless aggressive, were fine. So I can understand why non dog people wouldn't want a dog around their baby

Did you want to take your spaniel around the baby and they said no? If there was someone wanting to come meet your dog and they wanted to bring their horse they brought everywhere, would you accept that? Do you have children? Can you not see their point of view at all?

Your story has changed a LOT. Originally, you were upset becuase you were no longer invited to your parents house and you didn' tknow it was because of hte dog and felt that if they'd just told you, you'd have left the dog at home.

Now suddenly, you're saying it IS because of the dog, you won't leave the dog at home and that's why you're not seeing them?

You do sound rather entitled. It must be your way or the high way, plus the story changes makes me think that you like to adapt your outrage according to the situation.

Having said that, you'r enot obligated to spend time with anyone you don't want to so just keep declining invites with your parents ifyou want to.

Because I don't dislike my parents. Just every month or 6 weeks is fine by me. Its this new thing of "it looked like you had a lovely time at the weekend, you see them so much more than you see us". Its the competition element. My mother was fine seeing me every 6 weeks, until see realised I was seeing his family more, it was only then it became an issue.