Seeing both families equally

[whodafish]

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

I never said that I wasn't invited to my parents house and I didn't know why?

You’ve posted about this before haven’t you? But in a different way?

The OP hasn't said if it's a therapy dog (or guide dog for that matter).

I'd rather have someone's dog over than someone's baby or toddler. Dogs are much better behaved. And smell less.

In a previous thread. I guess it could be a completely different person but even BEFORE you referenced the dog in your OP I was convinced it was you. The dog was the clincher.

But if you genuinely have never ever posted abotu this before, my apologies.

And if that's the case though, I'd say that you still sound like you only wnat to spend time with people on your own terms. which is fine, but you can't blame people for not being very happy with that.

I agree. Op posted about this a couple weeks ago too but framed it as she wasn’t invited to her parents house anymore because of her Brother, but didn’t actually know why

Maybe stop posting on Facebook? That way your parents will be none the wiser.

Its my sister-in-law and tagging pictures. I wouldnt post pictures of our days out because her kids are there so its up to her what is shared.

2 issues.

No you don't owe your M&D time
and
It's very sad that you have now completely prioritised your dog over seeing your D Niece / Nephew. And are missing out on fun days (or shorter outings) with them all.

Compromise. Occasionally leave your dog and have time with your family altogether.

You are being a dogged dog owner.

It’s pretty obviously not a guide dog since she has left it when it suits her, she just doesn’t like want to do regarding her brothers kids.

Cool for you, stick to your dog park then.

It’s truly bizarre that people so obsessed with their dogs feel the need to insult human children out of nowhere, and totally irrelevantly to the conversation.

Invite your parents to yours more? A meal each week. Or don’t tell her / broadcast you are out with in-laws.

You don’t owe them equal time but if Facebook is fuelling your mum’s jealousy then why wouldn’t you restrict what she sees so she doesn’t know how much time you spend with your ILs?

Until the baby was about 6 months old I left my dog at home and went to visit them. At 6 months I quite frankly thought the whole situation was ridiculous so stopped.

Completely unreasonable to describe it as you being frozen out.

You chose to walk away from your sibling over your dog. Your choice, not theirs.

No, I've always known why and was happy to go with it in the early days. It was only when it became clear that they were never going to soften and my dog wasn't going to become welcome that I stopped. I find it very hard when we go to a park and there are other dogs there to find it acceptable.

I think it is quite common (as shown on this thread) for parents to not want dogs around their kids and make that requirement of family so perhaps it is causing resentment and problems in more than one home? I have certainly read a number of other posts over the years of people being told to shut dogs away or families not going to visit parents with dogs and such.

You can set up your Facebook so people can’t tag you without express permission. Explain to your SIL that you would rather not be tagged or that she posts photos without you.

@whodafish are you actually so obtuse NOT to realise why your parents, MAY be "jealous/hurt/confused, that their own daughter prefers spending more time their In-Laws?

Are they, (your parents) that rubbish?

You sound a bit precious to me.

It’s up to people whether they want to be around dogs or not. I don’t want dogs in my house. So your Brother was well within his rights to say no to the dog.

I actually think you the the issue here. If you were a little more flexible and not so anxious at being parted from your dog you may find your relationships ease.

It is ok to be apart from a pet for a few hours. What do you think is going to happen to you or to it when apart?

I think it's more normal to accept that some people don't like animals. If my dog wasn't welcome I wouldn't take her, and if it was too long a time period to leave her alone one of us would probably not go (if not both, depending on the event). If my child wasn't welcome I would consider whether it was something I wanted to go to enough to use the good will of a family member for childcare or pay a sitter or for one of us to not attend.

If someone comes to my house they are aware the dog is here and that we aren't shutting her away, so it's their choice whether to visit or not. Same for the child. It's their home as well as mine. Same way it's my sister in law's home and she doesn't want the dog there because it will upset her cats.

It's just basic common courtesy.

My daughter was terrified of dogs. At OH’s family gatherings there was one family who insisted on having their dog everywhere. We made the decision not to be where they were. Others complained they never saw us there, we couldn’t give a shit. At my family gatherings dogs were shut away. If they hadn’t been, we wouldn’t have gone. My family understood you can’t just magic away a fear of dogs. Now she is 15, we have a dog and it was her choice and she is fine with dogs, we had to deal with her fear in her own time and our own way.

If anyone comes to my house and doesn’t want the dog around, we make sure they feel safe. Dog owners who think dogs trump people were our nightmare. I don’t want to be that way for anyone else.

You don’t have to spend equal time with family, but if you don’t want to even visit them, it’s better if you just tell them that rather than pretending it is about your dog and brother.

I just dont want to spend 2 days a month with them, particularly when they were never that bothered until they started playing the comparison game

I don’t like other people’s dogs. Though we no longer have our own either (died)

Id avoid meeting up with family where their dogs are if I can because frankly I don’t trust your dog or that you’d respond in a suitable way if something happened which would lead to a whole new layer of family issues. I can’t ban the public walking their dogs near a park, but I can just decide not to meet up if I get a hey want to come for a walk with me, dh and dDog, I can decide actually I’m not going to a dog friendly pub and that I won’t attend a dinner/bbq where a dog will be sniffing around.

You don’t want to spend time with your parents because it’s boring so do duty visits and tbh that’s your right if that’s how you feel. Maybe pop your mum on restricted though so she can’t see the things your SIL tags you in.

You don’t have to spend equal time with anyone.

You call your brother dictatorial but you're coming across as inflexible and dictatorial here.

I do think both you and your brother are BU.

As for time spent, it sounds like your parents aren't important to you so spend time how you like and hope you don't need them for anything in return.

Honestly, you are being inflexible. It sounds like you could have family get togethers with your parents and you brother’s family but you won’t because you won’t go anywhere without your dog. You have essentially chosen your dog over your family so unless there is a backstory here you are being a bit mean.

therein lies your answer @whodafish

"they were never that bothered until they started playing the comparison game"

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out.

So very sad for you @whodafish could you possibly realise that dogs are not the same as children?

I feel a bit sorry for your parents to be honest. Can you not also invite them to join your in-laws for a few days out/walks etc? They might be a bit of a drag but it's the kind thing to do and a group of people might take the edge of the situation and make it more fun and relaxed.

In the future, lets hope your own children don't prefer spending time with their in-laws over you and DH! Imagine how you'd feel then.

Or maybe take your parents for a NT visit along with the dog if the dog is the most important thing to OP (I say this as a fellow dog person who would take hers everywhere if possible but doesn't because you can't)