Can I just do what I want for my Birthday?

[wediblinooo]

My birthday was last weekend, (mid 40s, I'm used to them by now, nothing special, it wasn't a 'big one' or anything). I wanted to go out with my partner to the local pub. My mother called me in tears yesterday because I didn't invite my parents, saying that I always used to enjoy family birthdays and that she doesn't like my BF and thinks he is trying to isolate me.

Just a bit of back story, I DID always used to like family birthdays when it was a 'big' occasion, my parents, brother, SIL, partner etc. Three years ago however my DB and SIL had a baby and they stopped inviting me to family events. I would always go to family events with my dog, and they didn't want him around the baby. Fine, but rather than telling me this, they just stopped inviting me to family events. I would still go up and visit them (I had never taken my dog to their house) and because of this I wasn't aware that there was an issue. Me and partner just stopped being invited.

I was devastated when the penny finally dropped that we were being cut out. But their baby, their home their rules. Fine. So knowing I wouldn't ever have the whole family for dinner, I would prefer it to me just me and BF. All my parents talk about is my niece, which I find just completely tone deaf, and quite frankly a little dull. There seemed to be no interest in what I wanted to do- just my mum being upset that she missed out on an outing. Usually I am happy to take them out and include them, but on this time, I just wanted something local where we could get a taxi home and have a bottle of wine to celebrate, rather than driving round to them.

My brother and SIL used to be what made family events fun, if they aren't part of the picture anymore, and my parents haven't made effort to reconcile us am I in the wrong here? And isn't sobbing down the phone and having a complete meltdown taking things a bit far?

It's a bit over dramatic. My family don't all see each other on their birthdays. You just get on with it as adults. I would just ignore it all.

Of course you can do what you want on your own birthday. Your Mum is being a drama llama, ignore.

Just do what you want to do, life doesn’t have to be so dramatic. 🤷‍♀️

YANBU for not wanting a big celebration.
It does all sound petty for how this has come about though. Have you spoken to your brother and SIL?
It does come across as you would still like to celebrate as a family, but they are the reason you don't, so rather than just celebrating with some you have decided not to see anyone which is where it comes across as unreasonable.

Of course you do what you want. Nobody else is offering to sort anything out for you. I learned that when I turned 30 and nobody gave a shit 🤣 just please yourself, it’s your day.

I think your mother is being ridiculous here. The rest about your family is irrelevant. You went out to the pub, it happened to be your birthday. I honestly cannot remember the last time I even saw my parents on my birthday! Crying about it is madness. ‘Mum, we went to the pub for the evening, no big deal’. Is she dramatic about other things as well?

Your birthday, do as you please. Are your sibling/partner still leaving you put despite you never taking the dog anywhere? Mine would just lie by the table once they’d arrived: would yours do the same or is it a jumpy up type?

I was seeing my DB and SIL until I realised that they had asked the rest of the family not to invite me to events and would only see me by myself in their own home. So, for example I would go and see them on a Saturday on my own, but if my parents were doing a Sunday lunch they would only go to that if I wasn't invited.

I haven't spoken to them since it came to light that they were telling people to not invite me to things.

I would only really like to do something if it were everyone. I am happy to take my parents out, but to be honest it is a bit of a faff so just on this one occasion I couldn't be bothered. I really didn't think it was a big deal, and instead I am getting tears and the suggestion that my partner is controlling! It all seemed a bit much!

You definitely don't owe your mother a birthday event for your birthday! 😂

Why haven't you said anything to brother and SIL about not being invited?

It sounds like if you fixed the issue with them, then you would all be able to celebrate (if you wanted to).

@wediblinooo are you saying your mum agreed to not invite you at your B's request?

What did she say when you asked her about it?

I haven't seen my brother for about 8 months. The dog is actually fine with kids and babies, and they had seen him around plenty of tots before their arrival. But if they had asked I would've done whatever made them most comfortable, it was the going behind my back and cutting me out to manage the situation that I found hurtful.

The thing is my DB is fun. My parents are nice, but the atmosphere around them isn't so fun. That's what I miss and would've wanted!

Honestly I think your mother is being dramatic here. Honestly, I am not sure why some people make such a big deal out of birthdays.

I would ask your db and sil why they think they can ask others not to invite you to things. Fine (if a bit pfb) not to bring your dog to things but not you.

Why didn't you tell your mother than she's excluding you from everything and you will now do the same? Honestly mid forties and putting up with pathetic nonsense from your brother and mother, how do you have the tolerance for it? She's the one trying to control you.

So you bring your dog everywhere but not to their house but they thought you might do that and cut you out without asking you to just not bring it? Seems a bit rude.

That's the long and short of it. Dog was always welcome in my parents house so would come with me, wasn't welcome in brothers, so wouldn't. Rather than risking a row by telling me my dog wasn't welcome in my parents house they would say that they would only attend if I wasn't invited.

Because I don't exclude her! I regularly drive round to hers and pick her up and take her and my dad out for a day trip or lunch. Just on this occasion, we wanted to do something within a taxi ride, but because it is tied to a life event she has got massive FOMO!!

She said it was nothing to do with her and it's between me and my brother and to leave her out of it.

So have you spoken to your brother about it?

Your mum is unreasonable but you should just tell her all you have said in this post.

But why haven't you discussed this with any of them?

Why did they think there'd be a row?

Why haven't you tried to sort it?

I haven't tried to sort it because I was so hurt that my DB and SIL deliberately asked for me to be kept away from family events for 2 years. When I found out I told them that it was incredibly hurtful and not their place to ask other family members to not invite me to their homes because of their preference to keep my dog away from their child. They refused to accept that they were in the wrong and we haven't spoken since.

They maintain that they are right to keep the dog away from the baby, I maintain that if that was what they wanted they should have told me rather than going behind my back.

Now you know what the issue is, have you made it clear to both your DB and SIL and to your parents that you're happy to leave your dog at home for future family events?

Because surely that would solve the problem, and everything could go back to how it was.

Regarding your birthday - you can do what you want. But if you usually do something with your DM and DF and have just stopped inviting them I can see why she's a bit upset. Bit overdramatic tbh, but I suspect she's more upset about the whole situation of not being able to have both you and your DB around at the same time, or family events that everyone (except your dog!) goes to. Ultimately your parents have been put in an awkward spot by two sets of adult children who are acting like toddlers sulking if they can't get their own way without communicating .

They didn't ask for you to not be invited. They said they wouldn't come if your dog was there, which they are perfectly within their rights to do. The event organisers are the ones who obviously decided they valued your DB, SIL and nieces company more than yours (that's probably down to wanting to see DN tbh rather than favouritism between DB and you).

Whilst there's a lack of communication all round, you are being really, really childish and petty about this, which is a situation which could be very easily solved by you just agreeing to leave your dog at home in future.

No way would I be driving to see my dps on MY birthday! YANBU.