Seeing both families equally

[whodafish]

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

Sounds like brother was OTT but it doesn't seem fair to punish your parents for that.

You are all being unreasonable!

But I don't want to see them. I find my parents stuffy and hardwork and my brother high-handed and dictatorial. I keep contact with my parents, but I am resenting the suggestion that I owe them time because I spend time with my partners family.

Re the dog yabu. Can't believe you can't see that. Leave your dog behind or get a dog sitter and see your family. You coming across as rude and it's your way or no way .. entitled.

You haven't been "frozen out". You've chosen your dog over your family because you aren't willing to leave your pet at home for an hour or two. Totally different.

Sounds like you've opted out of your family so just own that decision. Tell them you don't care and you don't want to spend time with them 🤷

You are not just unreasonable, you’re bloody ridiculous.

I'm not punishing my parents. I just don't enjoy spending time with them. They see on facebook pictures of me and partners family on a country walk for example and then call me to complain that we spent all Sunday with them, and can't we don't do the same for them.

Why not leave your dog home or with a dog sitter occasionally and see your family?
And personally I would see parents if the only issue is its a bit boring. You will regret it down the line when they're not here to see anymore.

You don’t ever go to the dentist? GP? Get a hair cut?
You’re never, ever apart from your dog? I honestly find that very unlikely.
A relative has an annoying jumpy spaniel and my toddlers hate being around it, it scare them, tries to steal their food, gets in their face etc and I would also plan to be at relatives home when the dog wasn’t there.
I find it pretty bizarre you would rather not have any relationship with your brother and husband family than ever spend an hour without your dog in someone else’s home.

So

It seems like OP’s dog (who is clearly a big part of her life, her child if you will) was allowed to every event and to their homes. No one had an issue, then DB and his wife had children and suddenly OP wasn’t allowed to bring her dog anymore. She felt shut off because doggy was allowed everywhere and was part of the family, then suddenly told no more now there’s kids. I can understand both sides. I wouldn’t have wanted a dog around my small baby, and I think saying no to the dog being brought to DB’s house is understandable.

But DB and his wife went further than that and told OP’s parents “dog isn’t allowed to your home either so it’s either we bring the kids or you see OP and the dog” so her parents being in an awkward position started seeing them separately. Understandably the parents want to see their grandkids as a priority.

I get OP’s upset, I think there needed to be a compromise. Dog doesn’t go to DB’s house but is allowed on days out (in a public place etc)

I do think OP should of agreed to going to the homes without the dog for the sake of kids but that’s just my opinion.

How were you frozen out when it’s you that don’t want to spend time with them unless it’s on your terms?

And since you ask, no you are not being unreasonable to not spend time with them because you don’t like them. Not sure why you bother asking here when you are so rigid in your views. What were you expecting from this thread?

I do see them, but maybe a midweek dinner every six weeks or so rather than a day out every three. My mother is upset because she isn't getting what she views as equal time.

Leaving the dog aside (I think you've posted about this before haven't you?), no, you don't need to spend equal time with your families. We spend far more time with my family than we do with DH's family. We just don't go out of our well to tell DH's family and none of us are on social media etc. DH's family are fine but spending time with them isn't that much fun and it always seems excessively complicated. We don't want to hurt them but we're not going to see less of my family for that reason.

If you don’t want much of a relationship with them or to spend lots of time with them then just keep communication with them to a minimum and don’t tell them every time you’ve done something with people who aren’t them. Why would you do that? Obviously it’s going to be hurtful when they already know you’re not that fussed about them that when they do speak to you, you regale them with all the hours of fun you had with your in-laws, then decline time with them. Just cut out the detail around that.

I did spend time with them for the first 6 months, but it became apparent that they wanted this forever and I just wasn't prepared to accommodate that.

Couldn't tell you last time I went to the dentist or GP, no need

Would they agree to a walk or any other activity instead of lunch?

I’m sorry but you did what they wanted for 6months - they can’t expect you to never want to do anything all together (including the dog again!). Did they offer 6 months of doing things involving the dog? If they want to do things their way, that’s fine - and if your parents don’t want to do things that allow you to all be together occasionally as you did previously, that’s also fine. They can’t however get annoyed that you’d rather spend your time doing things you want to do, with people you want to do them with. Spending a day wandering around a national trust property with your PIL doesn’t mean you owe your parents a day sat inside being stuffy at all!

Im not sure why coming to your house, meeting at your parents with the dog or meeting somewhere outdoorsy or neutral isn’t an option for your brother, I’m also not sure why your parents are letting him totally decide the status quo!

Well I can understand her being hurt. The dog is a red herring really because you are saying spending time with your parents is boring and you don't want to spend time with them. Yes that is going to hurt them. If you find it easier to spend time with them when your brother and the children are in attendance then leaving the dog at home isn't a big ask.

This is my opinion too. Totally bizarre that DB and wife have dictated that dog isn’t even invited for outdoor / pub / public places…

Exactly. And we might meet in a park where there would be other dogs running around but I'd be asked to leave mine at home. If my brother isn't at my parents then my dog is welcome.

I was happy to accommodate them in the early days, and thought they would calm down, but that never happened and so I stopped seeing them.

Didn't you post about this a few days ago? That OP also had a spaniel. What has changed?

To your question, you don't owe them the same time as you spend with your partner's family.

However, can't you (while not aiming for the same time) change the meetings with your parents to be more enjoyable? Even if it is a walk, meal out, a gallery visit (ok, maybe not a gallery visit, because of the dog).
Ask about them, how they lived through a history milestones when they were younger. Make it an experience.

We don't spend the same amount of time with both sets of parents, nor do we spend it in the same way, but we found a way we can enjoy with both.

Btw, about the dog, just out of curiosity. Would you be willing and able to ensure the dog wouldn't lick the child? I find dog licking absolutely gross, and the idea of a dog licking child's face is absolutely revolting to me. I wouldn't be able to take my baby to meet the people unable to respect that and prevent their dog from doing it.

The dog is a red herring, it has nothing to do with your situation as youve literally said regardless of dog you don’t want to see them much.

That’s your decision. You don’t have to see them. I think it’s unfair to place blame on your brother as he has every right to not want a dog around a young child. You could see them all without dog or see parents alone but you don’t want that.

If your parents are otherwise nice people I’d probably give your head a wobble about not wanting to visit them often because if you and DP split he’ll still have a close relationship with his family but you won’t have much of one left

Why is it bizzare? The OP is free to meet her parents in any of those places with her dog, the brother is just saying he won’t be bringing his kids along.
The dog is probably poorly trained and the OP refuses to deal with it. Too many people think it’s cute when their dog is all over a young child.

So you can’t leave your dog for 3 hours once a month to go on a play date with your niece or nephew? Bizarre.

it sounds like you’ve made your choice. Simple explain to your partners & brother that your dog is more important than a relationship with your family and that you in-laws are more accommodating to this therefore it’s easier to spend time with them. Ask them if they are willing to spend time with your dog (walks/ park etc) and if they say no then there’s not much else you/ they can do.