Seeing both families equally

[whodafish]

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

They weren't bothered to see me, I left an abusive relationship and was left feeling desperately lonely because they were all too busy. They wouldn't care now apart from my mum sees x and therefore thinks she is entitled to the same and she sees days that look "instagrammable" and wants the same

Right, so you refused to go because your dog wasn't allowed?
I love my dog but its up to people whether they want him in their house or not and/or around their child.
Its your fault you can't spend time with your brother

I dont want to spend time with my brother. I just dont want to spend any more time with my parents.

Your OP literally says that you would spend more time with them if your brother and SIL were there too.

Of course your parents aren't entitled to equal time. But the wider issue here is that none of you value your family relationships sufficiently to make reasonable compromises.

according to this, I am the only one expected to compromise. And that is doing exactly what my brother wants, which I did, for six months.

@whodafish it is very difficult when you feel so let down by significant family, I do understand.

Going forward, what would YOU want to happen, to enable everyone to resolve?

I want things how they used to be. They will never be that. My parents alone are very staid.

Pick a lane, I want things to be how they used to be, I don’t want to see my brother, I don’t want to be without my dog, I’m happy to compromise …

Because you are demanding your dog goes everywhere you go.

You froze yourself out.

I am a dog owner, but it’s crazy to think other people must accept your dog as family at all times

I want things as they are at the moment, without the complaining from my mother. Nice days out, with DP family. See my parents every few weeks. What I am struggling with is the guilt-tripping from my mother that she doesn't get what they have.

There's a really simple compromise but you won't leave your pet home for a couple of hours. If you wanted to see your brother and parents then you could easily do so. You're the only one getting in the way. Seems pointless spending all this time hand wringing over it.

You don't owe your family the same time as you spend with your in-laws, but..... I refuse to have dogs in my house, I would be disappointed that my sister was not prepared to leave her dog at home to visit family, but that is the choice you have made.

Yes, it's coming through loud and clear that the dog is family to the OP (and as a pet owner I understand that). As a parent, I understand that my son isn't wanted everywhere, not do I want him everywhere either!

I can see that it would hurt to realise that the dog doesn't mean the same as an actual grandchild, and has been "usurped" by it.

But I would also feel punched in the gut as a sibling/parent if my siblings/child chose to not bother with my son/me because of their dog, who can be left with a partner occasionally.

A dog won't ever think that you got boring and fusty with age, but I'd hope my son one day tolerates me becoming a bit annoying. Due to the whole, "gave him life and supported him" stuff (assuming I do a half-decent job of raising him of course).

Brutally, OP, this dog WILL die before your family. Don't fail to nurture your relationships because you invested it all in the dog.

That's not a compromise. A compromise is give on both sides.

Children and new partners/marriages do change dynamics. From reading your posts, it does feel a little like you wanted your dog to be allowed very quickly.

I had a dog when DD was born, so obviously she had a dog round her at all times, but that relationship was monitored by me and DH as her parents and the owner of the dog. We had full control over their interactions, the dog would listen to us if we said no, no one was going to be upset if we stepped in to stop something we didn't like or saw as potentially dangerous. And that goes for either dog or child behaviour.

At 6 months, even as a dog owner, because DD was starting to move and she had unpredictable movements (which can spook even the calmest of dogs), I wouldn't have wanted any other dog I couldn't be sure would meet all the criteria I outlined above to be around her. Now she's 3 it's much less worrying, she understands more, isn't scared by dogs etc.

Six months isn't a lot of time to be comfortable that your brand new, constantly changing, child is going to be ok with an animal that isn't yours. Maybe if you'd given it more time it would have been the same. Maybe it still could be.

YABU to bring your dog everywhere. Your DB is reasonable to not want your dog around your baby. Sounds like you don't care about your DB or your niece/nephew.

It's cool if you just don't like your family. You don't owe them your time. I do feel sad for your parents though.

You are very black and white, OP

Well it’s normal for them to feel disappointed that their daughter would rather spend her time with her boyfriend’s family than her own. You can’t control how they view that.

Not what you said in your previous post.

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5276399-can-i-just-do-what-i-want-for-my-birthday

So none of your family helped after abusive relationship? Even more reason not to see them
Dog etc is a red herring to your family not being there for you
Tell her to stop moaning and be happy see them at all!

If you don't want to spend more time with your parents then don't. Deflect her complaints and just say 'ah well, they invited us for a walk or a bbq or whatever and it was fun' and then change the subject. If she carries on, say 'Mum, it's not a competition. Please don't ruin our time together by complaining'.

OP you keep changing your tune. You say you were very close. Then you say you were frozen out. You haven't been frozen out you have made a choice. You know say they weren't particularly supportive and only want to see you because you spend time with your in laws. It can't all be true. I think your unwillingness to leave your dog is the problem even if you won't admit it. And a PP has got it right. If you and DH were to split you are going to be very lonely. At some point the dog will also be gone and it will be too late then to pick up with your family.

We were close but would always meet as full family gatherings, not just me and DB.
I broke up with my ex, my brother never reached out or asked how I was. I kept seeing the family at the usual cadence, but that left me on my own most of the week feeling incredibly lonely.

Brother had baby, I got asked to leave dog at home which I did at start. We then started going on trips to park and I said that was good as my dog could now come and was told that they weren't happy with that.

I have always seen my family every month to 6 weeks. Since I have been with my new partner my parents see that I see his family more often than that, so only now do they want to see me more.

How can the parents of an infant / toddler compromise really apart from they have to let a dog near their child or they don’t see you.

You have two options. Don’t see them. Don’t take your dog.

They don’t want their child near dogs and your dog would be much closer than a random one walking by on a Lead. You don’t leave your dog.

The only person who has cut themselves off is you. It’s really not hard to leave a dog for 2-3 hours once a fortnight. You don’t want to. You want your dogs recognised as equal to this human child and they are not equal.

You’d rather have no relationship with your niece/nephew because you won’t leave a dog for a short time once or twice a month. Don’t be surprised when you have no family on your side in the future.