Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Seeing both families equally

191 replies

whodafish · 18/03/2025 12:53

My family were close up until my brother and wife had their kids. At that point I found myself frozen out. My mum and dad didn't want to take sides in this so allowed my DB to dictate what I was invited to and I was only welcome at my parents when my DB wasn't there.

Me and my partner spend a lot of time with his family, lovely days out, family lunches etc. My mum is now jealous because "we" don't spend equal time with her. My issue is days out with his family are fun- there's kids, chaos, lots of people and laughter. My family is just my older parents, Sunday lunch and we both find it a chore. If we had the family days that I remember with my DB, SIL and parents and it was a bit more lively then it would be different.

Just because we spend 4 hours with his family, doesn't then mean I owe 4 hours to mine? Am I wrong for thinking like this.

Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.

I don't want to spend more time with my family, I'm just resenting the suggestion that I now owe them time because of time spent with the in-laws. My mother was never bothered to see me until she saw I was going out with MIL.

OP posts:
Squiggles23 · 18/03/2025 13:04

Hi OP,

Of course you don’t owe them your time. In reality most people don’t have it even as often one set of in laws lives much nearer than the other etc.

Can I ask what dog you have? If you are about to drip feed an XL Bully then it sounds more reasonable from your brother! Was he and his wife ok with dog pre-baby?

Whatever the dog tbh I think you could be a bit more flexible. Could you not arrange for a dog friend to look after the pooch for a few hours?

Saying that having a roast at your parents is boring and a chore does come across a bit spoilt. I feel there might be more to all this. However, no one can force you to be with your family.

Noonecaresifyounamechange · 18/03/2025 13:05

Not unreasonable to not want to spend equal time with each family. That sounds impractical and petty.

you are being unreasonable to bring your dog “everywhere”. Don’t you work/ go for meals/ dentist/ hospital/ the gym/ swimming/ church/ food shopping/ cinema/ have friends who are allergic etc.

I couldn’t have my child around dogs for a long time due to their allergies, I’d be upset if an auntie or uncle didn’t care about that

LoveWine123 · 18/03/2025 13:08

You are coming across as a bit self-centered. You don’t go anywhere without your dog and your parents are boring so unless they entertain you in a specific way you don’t want to spend time with them. I mean, to each their own, but if you feel this way then I guess you won’t have any issue telling your parents this and I’m guessing they will be sure to leave you alone after that.

Jessica5678 · 18/03/2025 13:08

You don’t “owe” them anything, and bring exactly equal isn’t practical, but I can completely sympathise with your mother and her obvious hurt. You find her and your father “boring” but you also won’t compromise over leaving the dog behind sometimes to see your wider family. I think describing it as being “frozen out” is pretty misleading when it’s clear you were welcome just not with the dog.

Maybe to people who like dogs or who think they’re equivalent to people it makes sense. To me you’ve sacrificed family relationships for a pet. And describing spending time with your parents as boring is fairly obviously going to hurt their feelings.

CheesePlantBoxes · 18/03/2025 13:08

Why can't you leave the dog at home with DP now and again? You aren't sewn together.

Where are these lovely days out you are having with MIL, nieces and nephews and the dogs?

stayathomer · 18/03/2025 13:08

I don’t understand- you didn’t spend time with your family because they favoured your brother but you don’t want to be with them because your brother and family aren’t there to make it livelier?

Lilacbutterflies007 · 18/03/2025 13:09

Do you mean if your DB invited you over to meet their baby, you would of wanted to bring your dog to their house?

Buttonknot · 18/03/2025 13:10

I don't think you need to see both families equally, but I do think that your parents were in a very difficult position between you and your brother. If your brother refused to let his kids be around a dog, I don't see how your parents could possibly have overridden him and insisted that they were?

Original poster
whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:10

She's an 8 year old spaniel, so pretty easy going and kind. She was previously invited to my DB house and he would ask to look after her on occasion and when she was younger join him on runs, so he did really like her.

She comes with me for work, and no I don't go to church, or the cinema, and food shopping I have delivered.

There were no allergies or anything tangible reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:11

CheesePlantBoxes · 18/03/2025 13:08

Why can't you leave the dog at home with DP now and again? You aren't sewn together.

Where are these lovely days out you are having with MIL, nieces and nephews and the dogs?

Park, National Trust, their houses, our house....

I don't want to leave my dog behind, she's my family. It's my brothers choice to not want her there, its my choice to want her.

OP posts:
Lilacbutterflies007 · 18/03/2025 13:12

whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:10

She's an 8 year old spaniel, so pretty easy going and kind. She was previously invited to my DB house and he would ask to look after her on occasion and when she was younger join him on runs, so he did really like her.

She comes with me for work, and no I don't go to church, or the cinema, and food shopping I have delivered.

There were no allergies or anything tangible reason.

As a non dog owner (if that’s what it’s called) I personally would have found it uncomfortable if you wanted to bring the dog to meet their baby etc. I’m assuming your DB and his partner decided they didn’t want the dog around their baby and you said OK I won’t come then

CheesePlantBoxes · 18/03/2025 13:12

Given your updates, maybe now is the time to give back to your family and prioritise doing things their way fir a bit.

Original poster
whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:13

Lilacbutterflies007 · 18/03/2025 13:09

Do you mean if your DB invited you over to meet their baby, you would of wanted to bring your dog to their house?

Until the baby was about 6 months old I left my dog at home and went to visit them. At 6 months I quite frankly thought the whole situation was ridiculous so stopped.

OP posts:
lazycats · 18/03/2025 13:13

Totally reasonable to not want a dog around a baby. YABU

AmHat1 · 18/03/2025 13:14

I don't blame you for not wanting to go for a family get together without your dog, they are a part of the family. Your brother is being daft to miss the opportunity for his children to get used to dogs and understand the love and joy they bring! Perhaps you could just play down your involvement with your husbands family, in order to keep your parents happy..

Original poster
whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:14

stayathomer · 18/03/2025 13:08

I don’t understand- you didn’t spend time with your family because they favoured your brother but you don’t want to be with them because your brother and family aren’t there to make it livelier?

What I mean is I liked the way things were, it will never go back to that, but the whole dynamic was different when there were lots of us round the table.

Now when I go to my parents and its just them it feels stuffy and formal. I don't enjoy it.

OP posts:
Lilacbutterflies007 · 18/03/2025 13:15

whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:13

Until the baby was about 6 months old I left my dog at home and went to visit them. At 6 months I quite frankly thought the whole situation was ridiculous so stopped.

Show quote history

I’m on the fence now then. I understand maybe not wanting the dog at their house, dog hairs on baby things etc but are you saying DB didn’t want dog to come anywhere? To your parents house, to the park etc? As I do think that’s a bit precious of them

IMissSparkling · 18/03/2025 13:15

My nieces and nephews are some of my favourite people. I can't imagine sacrificing building a relationship with them for the sake of a pet who'll be gone before the kids are teenagers.

Original poster
whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:16

lazycats · 18/03/2025 13:13

Totally reasonable to not want a dog around a baby. YABU

I don't want my dog around their baby. I was just giving context. My question was because I spend time with my partners family am I obligated to spend equal time with mine?

OP posts:
Original poster
whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:16

Lilacbutterflies007 · 18/03/2025 13:15

I’m on the fence now then. I understand maybe not wanting the dog at their house, dog hairs on baby things etc but are you saying DB didn’t want dog to come anywhere? To your parents house, to the park etc? As I do think that’s a bit precious of them

Show quote history

To my parents, to a day out, to a pub visit, anything

OP posts:
ConnieSlow · 18/03/2025 13:17

Saying that you were frozen out when you are the problem tells me all about you. Ridiculous to have the dog everywhere you go.

Lilacbutterflies007 · 18/03/2025 13:18

whodafish · 18/03/2025 13:16

To my parents, to a day out, to a pub visit, anything

Show quote history

Hmm…. yes well then I am on your side with that. I’d ask you to not bring dog over whilst my DS was little but wouldn’t have the nerve to think I can dictate bringing dog on a day out, to your parents etc

LadyTangerine · 18/03/2025 13:19

'Before you all ask, my dog who comes everywhere with me and was by my side through an abusive relationship is the reason my DB didn't want me around the baby. I don't go anywhere without my dog, she is well behaved, good with kids and babies and always on a lead around friends babies. She was always welcome at family events and homes previously. I get it is up to my brother whether he wants a dog around his kid- he doesn't that's fine.'

I love my dog but she doesn't come everywhere. Leave her at home when visiting people and see your db and his dc.

Family comes before pets. I wouldn't want people bringing their dog to visit us either.

ComtesseDeSpair · 18/03/2025 13:20

You haven’t been “frozen out” by your brother and SIL - they’ve made a perfectly normal request that you don’t bring your dog to their house or everywhere you go (because it’s a pain having to ensure that everywhere you go is dog-friendly when you just want a chill lunch somewhere, or to do something indoors), which you don’t want to agree to.

You don’t owe anyone time if you don’t want to see them, but you also can’t make complaints about them not having a good relationship with you as a result, or claim that you’re not being included when you’re creating a barrier to your own inclusion.

And surely life is about mixing things up? You can do fun chaos with your in-laws, and Sunday lunch with your parents, rather than telling your parents their activity is too boring.

outerspacepotato · 18/03/2025 13:21

Your extended family allowed your brother to dictate how and with whom they spent their time.

But you are unreasonable to expect anyone else to allow your dog over. Think of it as bringing an uninvited guest that you know the event giver doesn't like.

I was a dog owner for decades. My dog always stayed home unless I was going to a friend's that also always had a dog and my dog was specifically invited, like, bring TotoWhoRollsOnSlugstheSlimiertheBetter.