Stepchildren and uni costs

[Soootired23]

The other day my DSS came in catasrophising that he wouldn't be able to afford uni.

His maths show him his loan will only cover (he'll get the second highest amount) his rent and maybe some extra bits, but that realistically it will.mostly go on rent.

Then I told him that what his DF gives his DM as maintenance would go straight to him, so that would help too. He still was panicking about it. I then said we'd help with something like the grocery shopping (I'm thinking £150 a month, which to me seems ok, considering I only spend £500 for a "modular" family of 6).
So ultimately his "luxuries" would have to come from any sort of job he can get while at uni.

He was a bit more chilled after the convo, but I'm concerned he think we'll "rescue" him, which we 100% don't plan to. DH is with me on this, but I think all of his parental figure is need to sit down with him and explain it to him, but my DH thinks that's not needed and overkill.

For context, we make more than double than his DM and step dad, we go on holidays abroad, etc .. So he might hunk we can "afford" more, but we still have other 3 DC to support one way or the other.

So I guess is our approach unreasonable?

If you really think he’s going to expect you to bail him out make sure you’re not his guarantor for private rent in 2nd/3rd year.

Yes education was a top priority in our house too and we started to save for uni when they were fairly young. I am very glad that we could support them fully and that they did not have to work. They both did courses that required long hours studying. It has paid off.

Definitely don't plan to!

He will be struggle to get accommodation then unless his dad is willing to be a guarantor.

Well it would be the same if I did it (joint home). His maternal grandad can do it. Although maybe my hands will be tied in that regard as his DM doesn't own their home

Another great thing to do is to teach DC how to cook some cheap meals. I've shown foster son how to make a cheap vegetable soup. He can make an omelette. He can make a spaghetti Bolognese. He can cook salmon in emon juice with baby boiled potatoes and frozen mixed veg. I've also explained to him to cook 2 chicken breast at once in the air fryer. He can have one chopped up with pasta in a blitzed up tomato sauce then the other one with a salad the following day.

It sounds as though the OP will provide her own daughter with this level of support, but not her stepchildren.

I do think that the job of a parent is to PARENT. It's not like as soon as they turn 18 they're being parasites if they ask for financial help, as some commenters seem to suggest. Obviously it's one thing if you can't afford to help him out, I think that's fair. I had a job at uni. However, I think it's a whole other kettle of fish if you can afford to help, but just don't want to - unfortunately parental responsibility doesn't disappear as soon as the kid hits 18. I actually don't think it's the best idea to make your kid get a job in uni unless you really have to. If he's doing the work properly (and wants to get a first), the coursework and lectures should take the same amount of time as a full-time job, and he should treat it as such.

I was skint at University and didn’t want that for my DC

The reality is that I can't affor that level for all children, which is why I make the separation of what I afford Vs what my DH can afford. I/We are still subsidising what my DH can afford.

Plus my DD doesn't get the same level of loans because of how much her dad and I make.

He really needs to thank you.

The maintenance loan is based on the household income, they will ask for wage/income info when the student applies for the loan,its on a sliding scale so the more the household earns, less maintenance loan
Our DS has finished his masters at Pembroke college Oxford, ( state school, not massive household income) he received around £6000 maintenance loan, this didn't cover the “rent” and food in halls. We had to top up the bill in some terms. We gave him roughly £400 a month to support him, going up to £600 for 3rd and 4th year as he didn't eat in the halls.
He couldn't work in 1st, 2nd and 3rd year as the volume of study was massive, he was studying constantly in all the holidays.
He did get a Summer job after his finals , before his masters year.
For us it was financially tough, he studied hard and got himself a great result.
Hope it works out for your family.

Well done to your DS and to you for supporting him!

Does he not already have a part time job? And he can work over the summer to add to savings for term time.

No he doesn't. Last summer he tried to get a job but prioritised spending his time with friends

It's very difficult on many courses because they don't have a regulate lecture timetable and lectures can be anytime between 8 am and 7 pm and there sometimrd may be meetings for groupwork and so on on evenings and weekends. It depends very much on the course. And then they aren't in the student town much of the year

OP, if he wants to go clin psych or academia then this is a much bigger conversation than the next 3 years. As both an academic and psychologist I know he will likely need

a Masters
definitely a PhD for academia
definitely a doctorate to be “clinical”
sometimes both a PhD and doctorate (much more common I’d say 50% of people I know in the field have both and I’m 40, this is increasing)
between the masters and PhD/ doctorate he’ll likely have a few (2-5 years) of applying for the above where he’ll be earning Band 4 NHS or if lucky grade 6 academia which is diffficukt to plan a life on. Most people live at home until they’re on the doctorate or even when on it.

So highly recommend you all sit down together. It’s basically 10 years of university in one way or another. Also, it’s incredibly competitive.

I don’t know your financial situation nor the amount of maintainance he’ll get from his dad, but as the others says students often
work time, and yes choose a uni with cheaper accommodation but you need to help him make it work.

You’re setting up the children to fall out with you and each other if you’re planning to prioritise one SC over another, then treat your own, same-aged daughter better than both.

None of this is wrong but you need to be clear with your husband and with all of the children on where the boundaries are. Or your SD will be on here lamenting about how her evil stepmum and useless dad abandoned her in a few years.

If he wants to do DClin, he should start getting relevant work now - get him to look for support worker jobs in mental health wards (NHS or private), or in care homes.

If he gets on a staff bank, he can work tons during holiday periods and less during terms.

I think all DC a very clued up that there are differences between the different "modules" of the family, and I think my DSC know that I "share" with them but it's not my responsibility

Please teach him how to budget. ForGet getting any other parents on board. Just do it the two of you. I’ve done all of them DC and DSCs. I’m good at it and view it as essential.

Mmm.

Maybe he should be encouraged to look at his definite known income now before anything is firmed up (his Maintenance Loan) and his definite known expenditure i.e.his rent payments. Also factor in any spending on food, socialising, phone contract, travel if relevant.

If he has any concerns or shortfalls he could consider a Uni with cheap and plentiful student accommodation, could he choose a cheaper room in halls, does he know how to shop, meal plan, budget and cook, does he understand budgeting and the value of money and that it doesn’t grow on trees (if not maybe a job in the summer earning will give him a small pot of money to act as a cushion at Uni). Your DH should have a chat with his mum re any support you can afford to offer etc then let him know.

DS16 is thinking of uni.

It's my understanding that the income of the house he lives in (with me and his stepdad) will decipher what loan he gets - does anyone have the thresholds please?

His dad and I have both said we can give him £100 each a month, and he knows he will have to work.

Family have said they will send care packages each month (deodorant, toothpaste, shower gel etc).

He's made the decision to not get a car when he passes his test, we think the cost of this and the insurance can be out aside and used as a buffer.

I'm just worried that I'm a bit naive about the actual cost.

It really deoends on the course and it's contact hours as to whether its easy to have tine for a job. My DS is doing maths and has multiple lectures and tutorials every day sonetimes up to 6pm . Only free time is a Wednesday afternoon which is kept free for uni sport. He also seems to get a lot of work which needs ro be handed in for marking. But not so much reading because of all this. So he's busy every between 9 and 5/6pm. By the time hes got back to college hes shattered and that doesnt take account of any nights out, uni societies, things that need doing for general admin or basic living skills. He has society stuff and sport on a weekend. He has ASD and I dont want him to feel he has to work as I'm worried he will hit burnout as he's expending a lot of energy to try and integrate socially and mask his issues. He'd like ro work in the holidays but its so bloody hard getting a joh when you are autistic and find interviews hard. I'm not pushing him though as he's doing brilliantly with everything he has to cope with already.

Student houses need a guarantor and if you cant get one, the estate agenrs won't let you complete a contract. Bond was also £500, though that goes into a holding scheme. Its a minefield really. I obviously dont know any of the other parents. One of the others had a big problem as to be a guarantor you need to be earning a lot and his parents didn't. It got sorted somehow luckily so the house didn't fall through. Its actually not that more expensive than college halls for DS, but much further out so he'll need to pay for the bus.

He doesn't get full stident loan but did get a small grant from the uni and both together these cover his rent. We give him roughly £50 a week (pro rata so its £500 for a 10 week term) and he is coming back for the holidays. At Christmas, we didn't put any demands on him as he was quite frankly knackered, but we have lots of jobs around the house lined up for the easter hols for him! He's very good at managing his money, has always saved up to buy things he really wants, but he doesnt want a lot so hes not splurging. He says some of his flatmates went a bit spend happy after their loan came in, then got a reality check when the accommodation invoice landed later! Very few first years have a car and he walks and cycles everywhere. I tend to take him shopping at start of term when taking him to uni and if we go to see him, we usually take some food goodies with us. But our weekly shop has reduced to offset this. It is costing us more however than when he was at home, but we've planned for it over the years and he's getting so much more out of uni than just academics, which is great to see.

We have told him if he runs into difficulty though, to let us know and we will sort it and he can pay us back at a later date. I didn't want him to get into anything dodgy if he got himself into difficulties. I don't think it will come to that, but it's always been our policy so that he knows we will sort things out at the tine if absolutely needed, and talk about what to do about it later. I've said that to my 16 year old niece too in case she's in a difficult situation and needs someone to pick her up without question. It's just important for me for DS to know I have his back if he needs it.