Stepchildren and uni costs

[Soootired23]

The other day my DSS came in catasrophising that he wouldn't be able to afford uni.

His maths show him his loan will only cover (he'll get the second highest amount) his rent and maybe some extra bits, but that realistically it will.mostly go on rent.

Then I told him that what his DF gives his DM as maintenance would go straight to him, so that would help too. He still was panicking about it. I then said we'd help with something like the grocery shopping (I'm thinking £150 a month, which to me seems ok, considering I only spend £500 for a "modular" family of 6).
So ultimately his "luxuries" would have to come from any sort of job he can get while at uni.

He was a bit more chilled after the convo, but I'm concerned he think we'll "rescue" him, which we 100% don't plan to. DH is with me on this, but I think all of his parental figure is need to sit down with him and explain it to him, but my DH thinks that's not needed and overkill.

For context, we make more than double than his DM and step dad, we go on holidays abroad, etc .. So he might hunk we can "afford" more, but we still have other 3 DC to support one way or the other.

So I guess is our approach unreasonable?

We topped up DS to the maximum loan amount, paid for travel at the start & end of term & his phone contract.
that’s it.
He was in an expensive city a long way from home and worked in the holidays.
He managed fine for 4 years. Graduated last summer.

We paid my DDs rent. She took out the maintenance loan and lived off of it. We said if she wanted more she had to work. She said she'd make it work as her course didn't allow for time to have a job too.

She didn't work.
She managed to save (not loads but some)
She got a 1st class degree

If I had another child going through it, I think I'd have the same view. I suspect rents have risen now and so we would be paying more, but I wanted to be sure she had a roof over her head!

Doing it this way means that if she had wanted to socialise a lot, which is costly, then she would have to budget for that or work for it.

The options are go and work, go to a local uni, or go to his chosen uni but be very careful with money to survive on what he's being given.

Nobody has the right to go to uni, live in, have lots of luxuries, and not have to work. It's not the real world.

Local uni / apprenticeship are not options where we live. The closes uni with his degree is almost 2hrs away by train.

Some Unis are located in areas where there’s not many student jobs or require travel to town/car, the Uni will have a job posting area for their own jobs.

You need to develop a budget with him.
at this stage, if he’s not yet decided where to go, you can use estimates based on what sort of costs his current uni of choice would be. When he gets his a level results and confirms uni, it can be done again accurately

so for ours we listed income from loan he’d qualify for based on our income and a small saving pot grandparents had gifted ( circa £2k a year). We also added into that the cost we’d “save” during term time that we’d have spent on them ( clothes, food, phone etc etc)

we then budgettted for rent ( don’t forget deposits) , food/grocery ( £50 a week 10,years ago, it costs more to feed one, and they don’t have much freezer/storage space to batch cook or bulk buy plus they need cleaning stuff too, and we did allow a little flex for takeaway/booze once per week ), phone, travel ( inc railcard) , reasonable entertainment ( we discussed and agreed to include some tickets, music, games etc) , clothes, hair cut, shoes , study materials, energy in 2nd year onwards, union fees, locker fees etc etc….

we broke it into yearly, termly and monthly income/expenses - which is key to avoid cash flow issues.

we then looked at shortfall. There was even then. Loan only just covered rent even back 10 years ago in some places.

we then agreed how much we’d contribute on top of the above income. It was beyond the max loan any student would get, even with very low income parents.

we didn’t want kids to HAVE to work during term time to pay for basics . Both did STEM courses and these leave little time for work - timetables are full, and evening workload is steep. Working during term time can really affect kids on some courses , so be mindful of that. Dh and I were both STEM grads so knew this. Deal was they worked during summer to pay for beer money, foreign travel, festivals etc and clothes etc above the budgeted amount. We expected them to work holidays and we held them to it. We used pressure like we wouldn’t put them on car insurance unless they had savings from work to pay excess if they had accident as a way of doing this.

we then said that if they wanted more money from us, they needed to show us why using budget and actual spend amounts. It taught them budgetting at young age,something both do now aged 30 plus. We all knew what was allocated for what, and agreed lifestyle choice vs cost up front.

Sounds like you could do a similar exercise now, with estimates, he is showing clear interest and the vacuum of information is producing anxiety. Some lim ate the fear of unknown and replace with a rough estimate of budget, so he can use that to influence his choices.

your dh is a numpty frankly, to imply it is unnecessary for dc to be trying to pin this down at this age

Good for him then if he is predicted good grades and has a plan for after uni. In your shoes I’d agree with you about it being the right thing to do.

Sounds like you need to speak to your partner about how much you’re prepared to do for SS before anything else (and it’s totally fine not to be personally financially supporting your adult stepson).

Do you have joint finances?

Dd3 is our 3rd after a big age gap.
She hopes to go to uni to do primary teaching with qts.
She is doing a gap year to save. She is working part time now (year 12) so she will be able to find part time work, both outside term time and also should She take a while to find a proper job.
In reality, she will prob only qualify for min loan so we will fund the difference.

That’s what a job is for… the majority of students need to have a part time job at least.

But Bradford University is much less likely to give him the opportunity for a high earning job in the future! This is career-limiting advice.

Our DC both wanted who away from home and we were happy to support them
In Scotland so no fees
We pay £1100 a month to each
Also pay some things we were paying eg phones

We've agreed that we give him DSS around £250-£300 every month (term time). I'm more of the idea of doing the groceries for him and get them delivered, but I can see why could not be as educating as trying to manage it himself.

We'd then pay for some of the transport when he comes home, and that's kind of it. I'd have to discuss if he'd still get his allowance or if that's part of our contribution.

We do have joint finances although I make most decisions and budget accordingly.

My DS moved away for an apprenticeship. He got a professional houseshare room and it cost about £450 (probably more like £550 now). All bills included. His apprenticeship paid him about £1000 a month net if I recall.correctly.

We had offered to pay his rent if he got a poorly paid apprenticeship (in line with the support we gave his sister) but he was fine on that. Even managed to run his car.

It’s not his stepmum’s responsibility to support him at uni either.

SS has the appropriate loan and his dad’s continuing to pay the CMS-level contribution. OP isn’t obliged to pay anything on top and needs to make that clear.

Me neither

He’s lucky to get that, and lucky to have a stepparent who wants to finance him as an adult.

I’m not clear whether you’re a slightly higher earner than your husband, so really stretching yourself with this offer, or a billionaire for whom it’s small change, but either way you’re not unreasonable to want to make the boundaries clear to your husband, stepson and his mum. It does sound a bit like they’re all expecting you to be the back up for them all.

Thank you I feel vindicated. I'm happy to help, but I want to make it clear to everyone that it's not my responsibility, so whatever he (or his sister) get on top beyond what their father can afford is out of good will.

My DD will have access to a much smaller loan, and I need to think about that, as she's only a few years behind.

I arranged a grocery delivery for my DC every time they moved. Just the basic necessities plus some beer/vodka 😍

It made them very popular with housemates!

You sound very kind and very sensible. An excellent combination.

Not a billionaire, but I make more than double than my husband. He still makes below the average UK salary. I also had an inheritance which means we're almost mortgage free.

The point remains the same any financial freedom is thanks to my income/family inheritance.

Local uni, live at home.

Yes, you need to sit down and work out a proper budget, with him and ideally his DM if things are amicable enough.

Leave him in no doubt about how much you can help so if he needs a part time job and a summer job beforehand he can plan for that.

Honestly this is his problem to solve. He needs to find a job, and learn to budget like we all do. I had much much less help at uni and so instead of expecting my parents to fund it I got a job!

There are very good universities in low cost cities/towns. My DD's friend is at Cardiff, paying very cheap rent. Friends in Exeter and Bristol paying significantly more. And DD in London paying absolutely thru the nose.

If they want to go to a local University fair enough, but rubbish if they have to due to money

Of course your DH and his ex need to sit down with their son to discuss how his university will be financed. If accommodation and living expenses will not be fully funded by loan plus parental contribution he needs to know that in advance so he can make informed decisions about his next steps.

But also your DH/his ex need to look at what is realistically required for students going to university - there is an expectation that parents will pay, and while not everyone can afford to do that, the very least that parents should do is be informed about what’s available/ what it will cost to support their child’s decision making