Stepchildren and uni costs

[Soootired23]

The other day my DSS came in catasrophising that he wouldn't be able to afford uni.

His maths show him his loan will only cover (he'll get the second highest amount) his rent and maybe some extra bits, but that realistically it will.mostly go on rent.

Then I told him that what his DF gives his DM as maintenance would go straight to him, so that would help too. He still was panicking about it. I then said we'd help with something like the grocery shopping (I'm thinking £150 a month, which to me seems ok, considering I only spend £500 for a "modular" family of 6).
So ultimately his "luxuries" would have to come from any sort of job he can get while at uni.

He was a bit more chilled after the convo, but I'm concerned he think we'll "rescue" him, which we 100% don't plan to. DH is with me on this, but I think all of his parental figure is need to sit down with him and explain it to him, but my DH thinks that's not needed and overkill.

For context, we make more than double than his DM and step dad, we go on holidays abroad, etc .. So he might hunk we can "afford" more, but we still have other 3 DC to support one way or the other.

So I guess is our approach unreasonable?

There is also a huge diff between not wanting/needing a job, and refusing to get one.
If one of mine refused to get one if it came to it, they would soon find themselves on a different side of the fence altogether.
I am kind and generous, not stupid.

The thing lots don’t appreciate is how long accommodation contracts are.so eg lots of yo finish end March save for exams and will head home but full rent still paid until June. Then probably paying yr 2 private rentals from July. I’d be wary of promises to pay mum money for home as it is probably needed for rent.

I definitely don't think he's applied to 96, maybe 20?

I've told him.about call centre type jobs (that you can do at home) but he's adamant he won't take those.

He also has this idea that he'll be able to afford to drive (he's taking lessons) but again with no job, I don't know where he thinks the money is going to come from.

As soon as he leaves for uni he’ll start talking about how he’s an adult, so let him be an adult. I had two jobs at one point when I was a student to make ends meet. He needs to get a job and learn to budget.

I think he’s right to be afraid. I have one at uni and the costs are £££££.

Regarding working whilst there, that really depends on how full on the course is and what is available. My DS’s course is pretty labour intensive and so he only has a casual/ad hoc job and will work over the summer.

Jobs can be exceptionally hard to come by as well. My ds applied for about 30 jobs before getting one.

He thinks it’s coming from you OP, because I’m guessing you’re paying for the lessons?

Have you had a conversation with your husband about how much financial support you’ll be providing for SC as adults? Will you be giving all the children equal support for things like weddings, cars, house deposits?

Lots of dc learn to drive in sixth form but then have no car at university. They can go on parents policy in hols or temp insurance like veygo.

Why aren't degree apprenticeships an option what is he wanting to do. What's the degree in. Apprenticeships are so much better than uni and alot do uni included you get paid and obtain a degree doing it. Could always move away and do this. Is he just wanting freshers week and the experience

He wants to do either academic/clinical research or clinical psychology neither are apprenticeships

Maybe, but he thinks he'll have his OWN car (no idea how).

We just paid for accommodation.

The problem isn’t your SS, it’s your husband who seems to also be assuming you’re happy to finance his kids indefinitely. Children learnt what they’re taught and expect what they’re used to getting.

He could do what I did as my parents didn’t have a penny to give me and my course was full on and full time. I worked and saved throughout 6th form and then took two years out and worked and saved a full time wage and then went to uni

I don't thni they're entitled, but also I have no real clue of what are their real day to day expectations.

All DC are treated the same, but at the same time it has never been in question if my DD can afford uni or not.

I think it's fairly normal for the DC to think that the status quo is the same for all them, especially considering I've been in their lives for the past 8+ years.

Assuming he’ll be able to afford a car seems very naive? My dc worked pt in sixth form and the lads at work were paying £3000 plus in insurance in own car yr1 alone.
Definitely time for a conversation about how finances will work at uni.

Uni halls aren't generally cheaper. They're more expensive.

It's good to do for the first year, then find accommodation outside the university.

Some students can’t work because their courses are very demanding and contact hour heavy.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

Exactly, he seems naive about the costs of the real world.

To be fair at 17 they need a lot of guidance.
Mine had initial thoughts she’d apply to London universities. We went to some open days where accommodation tables with prices were put on screen and I pointed out things like the fancy coffee I’d paid for wouldn’t be in her budget. She quickly realised and is now happily studying in another large city.
Worth checking what scholarships might be eligible for too, they vary by university. Some give for academic achievements etc.

The point I’d make about ‘he needs to get a job’ is it very much depends on which uni he is at and what course he’s doing.

If he’s doing English at Leeds Met, he may find he only has a few hours of classes a week (in which case, he has plenty of time to work). However, that won’t be easy if he’s studying medicine or law at Durham as he will have lots of contact time and also reading to do.

I appreciate families have different circumstances, but education is a top priority in my house and I wouldn’t be desperate for a teen doing an intensive course to work in addition to that.

Uni is the culmination of a DC’s education and also a fantastic opportunity for them to try different experiences alongside studying. IMO it is part of a parent’s role to provide (reasonable) support for them to do that. We have deliberately chosen not to have more DC as we want to ensure we can help the two we do have.

Is he naive, or just assuming you’ll pay for it?

If you treat all the children the same, will your DD be getting a car if she wants one?

Yes, but I "inherited" so to speak the other DC.

I don't think their parents when they had them even remotely considered if they would go to uni (and if they could afford it).

Things have dramatically changed and I even consider him "my son" academically speaking. He could even go to Oxbridge if were to resit maths GCSE but alas he doesn't want to, so instead he's aiming for a good BA/BSc and then go for the master's.

I've even promised him that if he studies a PhD I'll get one at the same time as moral support. (It's in fact a goal of mine, so it's a win-win situation there).

So I feel like I have a moral commitment to him, but not his sister, which does make things unfair, and that's when I start to question things.