Stepchildren and uni costs

[Soootired23]

The other day my DSS came in catasrophising that he wouldn't be able to afford uni.

His maths show him his loan will only cover (he'll get the second highest amount) his rent and maybe some extra bits, but that realistically it will.mostly go on rent.

Then I told him that what his DF gives his DM as maintenance would go straight to him, so that would help too. He still was panicking about it. I then said we'd help with something like the grocery shopping (I'm thinking £150 a month, which to me seems ok, considering I only spend £500 for a "modular" family of 6).
So ultimately his "luxuries" would have to come from any sort of job he can get while at uni.

He was a bit more chilled after the convo, but I'm concerned he think we'll "rescue" him, which we 100% don't plan to. DH is with me on this, but I think all of his parental figure is need to sit down with him and explain it to him, but my DH thinks that's not needed and overkill.

For context, we make more than double than his DM and step dad, we go on holidays abroad, etc .. So he might hunk we can "afford" more, but we still have other 3 DC to support one way or the other.

So I guess is our approach unreasonable?

DD1 works two shifts a week at a restaurant near university then in the same chain at home in the major holidays so earns about £120 a week while at university, and probably 3x that when at home in the holidays. She is saving up for a car (mostly the insurance on a car). Her (minimum) maintenance loan didn't cover rent, even in a cheaper city, so we had to top her up - though only by giving her the monthly sum we usually do.

There's nothing wrong with working at a cafe, but a) the opening hours are more limited b) it's a very specific type of job.

I think he can't be so picky about what job to get.

DD1's employers also feed her a decent meal while at work, which is a great boon as a student.

Don’t worry about the discrepancy for your daughter.

Is SS’ dad expecting you to double his CMS payments and dig SS out of any financial holes?

I think you need to be clear with all of them:

1. He will need to get a job, like everyone else without wealthy parents, including in summer holidays and ideally from now
2. Going to university is an expensive luxury, not a right
3. Your household and/or his dad will pay him (not his mum) £x per month. Don’t commit to doubling his CMS unless his dad can afford to and wants to. He’d probably appreciate being bailed out more than regular payments, in the long run, especially if he sees you as a cash cow ready to be milked
4. If he gets into financial difficulties he needs to speak to the university. Student overdrafts and credit cards are for emergencies, not every day living

I disagree with you on it being the right thing for him to do unless he’s extremely academic. He’ll be paying that loan back for a very long time and the payments really are felt when you’re also paying your mortgage and nursery fees… But I can see how it’d be hard to dissuade him. Has he considered degree apprenticeships?

This is where children in a blended/step family can really be screwed over. Maintenance to low income mum gets stopped, she needs to keep him a bedroom and buy food for holidays, but loses UC so needs him to give her the maintenance money that the father is giving him to pay her the shortfall. Higher earning non resident parent offers a very token amount per month and says you need to cut your cloth.

If he’s doing psychology he’ll have plenty of daytime hours free to work in a cafe, if that’s his preference. It won’t pay as much as other jobs but it’s up to him.

I was in the same position almost 20 yrs ago starting uni in London, loan only covered rent and a little bit on top, got a part time job. I was doing a studio based course where I had to be in the studio 9 to 5 so working evenings and a Saturday.

The "non resident parent" isn't a higher earner, he makes in average the same as the resident one. I just happen to be a high earner.

Depending what Uni your DSS goes too, Uni accommodation can be just as expensive and some times more than private renting and some Uni’s only really offer accommodation to first years and the contract length varies also.

Also, it can be difficult to get part-time jobs in Uni towns as some employers don’t like having to work around student timetables.

How is that any different to when children from a poor family with parents who are together go to university?

Child-related benefits stop for adults, and adults need to work to pay their way.

OP’s offering double what they pay in CMS anyway so that’s hardly a token amount.

Well, he must, as an adult, choosing to borrow £30k+ for his education, needs learn some lessons. Let him struggle finding a job, and help him with applications to others if he needs a bit more if a hand hold.

Here’s the actual problem then - YANBU at all not to want to be the default bank for adult SS, over his parents.

He'd getting projected A/A+ in all of his A levels, so I think it's pretty good and would be a shame if ended up not going to uni.

He wants a career as a clinical psychologist / research so uni is the only path for that.

It's different if you have a non resident parent who is a higher earner and could help out more but doesn't want to. You are being told you need to pay your keep in both households basically.

@Soootired23 good idea to sit as adults and sort it all out with him before hand .

If it’s £150 maintenance and £150 food . See what mums plans are . Maybe there will be some squeezing . Turn the £150-£200 so that’s £50 a week for food

I think offering to go through the budget with him is a nice idea. My parents wouldn’t even help me fill in my forms. I had zero contribution from them financially.

Yes and in this case his father can't pay any more. Any top-up is down to joint finances and not his father's.

Most students get parental support because the maintenance loan has not increased in line with inflation, or they have part-time hospitality jobs. We pay our daughter's rent (min loan), travel and her phone, and she works a few shifts in a local pub to afford extras.

Between both sets of parents/step-parents, you need to top up his loan to the max and a bit extra.

My DS worked as a barista all through uni, working the hours that suited him around studying.

It was pretty well paid and he still got a first. So I wouldn’t be dismissive about that idea.

It's not me that is dismissive about it, it's more like he's beit dismissive about any other options

I went to university paid entirely by my loan and my part time work + my dad gave me a small contribution per month instead of paying the maintenance to my mum.
Without my job I wouldn't have been able to do any luxuries but that was the reality of my life anyway.
I was already working before university though and they held my job open for holidays because I was a good employee.
I chose the cheapest accommodation available and was very careful with my money.
It's possible and a good lesson in budgeting, but I also knew my parents wouldn't be able to bail me out, so there's wasn't an alternative than to make it work.

Ds had £40 per week from us once accommodation was paid for. He got jobs, they were not that nice, one was in a sauce factory, one in a warehouse, both early starts but fitted around lectures as in reality they have very few face to face hours. What you are offering him is enough, if he needs more he works.

Degree apprenticeship or local uni

Why wouldn’t a student, any student, get a job during the uni holidays?! They are really long!

Unexpectedlysinglemum · Today 09:56

He needs to choose uni according to where he can afford. Rent in Bradford very different from costs in Edinburgh or Oxford.

The term false economy springs to mind from the example above.