Stepchildren and uni costs

[Soootired23]

The other day my DSS came in catasrophising that he wouldn't be able to afford uni.

His maths show him his loan will only cover (he'll get the second highest amount) his rent and maybe some extra bits, but that realistically it will.mostly go on rent.

Then I told him that what his DF gives his DM as maintenance would go straight to him, so that would help too. He still was panicking about it. I then said we'd help with something like the grocery shopping (I'm thinking £150 a month, which to me seems ok, considering I only spend £500 for a "modular" family of 6).
So ultimately his "luxuries" would have to come from any sort of job he can get while at uni.

He was a bit more chilled after the convo, but I'm concerned he think we'll "rescue" him, which we 100% don't plan to. DH is with me on this, but I think all of his parental figure is need to sit down with him and explain it to him, but my DH thinks that's not needed and overkill.

For context, we make more than double than his DM and step dad, we go on holidays abroad, etc .. So he might hunk we can "afford" more, but we still have other 3 DC to support one way or the other.

So I guess is our approach unreasonable?

Uni halls it is... But that's the sort of thing HE needs to understand, and why I think we al need to gather around him and explain it to him

It sounds like he needs support from his dad. Has Dad been to open or offer days with him.
Explain what he gets and what dad will top up.
Look at accommodation costs and choose wisely. How much is accommodation yr2 and 3. He’s 17 and needs guidance it’s a big step.

Has he also considered whether uni is the best next step as there are some amazing apprenticeships depending on what he wants to do. Get him to look at what the big companies offer as many if them start their apprentices on 20 grand. Much better than student loans.

I am not sure why you'll pay his mum when he is home? CM isn't a legal requirement at uni, so just ramp up what you pay him term time?

This. Where he spends his holidays and whether he pays digs anywhere on top of his rent is his responsibility to decide as an adult.

I guess to keep the peace with his ex wife? No idea, but a good point nonetheless.

Yes, we're going with him to two open days.

He wants to get into either clinical psychology or academia, so uni is the only way!

Things they need to consider is length of contract, when yr2 deposit due. Cost of societies. How much laundry is. General budgeting - food, travel. Jobs - he can work this summer for a decent buffer.
Personally I found this period of life required parental time to get them launched successfully.
We had lots of conversations and researched things together. Going to the uni offer days was very helpful.

I've got DC at uni and basically they need at least the maximum loan amount to live on, we top our DCs up to that level as their maintenance loan doesn't even cover accommodation.
They live for free at home out of term time and we usually drive them to and from uni so they have no train fares.
The maintenance loan has risen with Inflation for years so tbh it is no longer a realistic amount to live on, even at top amount it's tight.
I would say he has to be realistic about uni accommodation and shop around, and possibly rule out unis with expensive living costs.
If he can get a part time job beforehand and save that would be ideal. Some retail jobs allow you to transfer between branches between uni and home.
Finding a job at uni is harder than you think, very competitive and also can make it difficult to come home at Xmas etc.
Jobs on campus are a good bet.
I think transferring maintenance from the mum to him is a good idea, he will need financial(as well as practical and emotional) support from his parents.
Where will he live when not at uni? if it's not at yours then DH should still pay some maintenance out of term time so he can pass any living/food costs onto his mum.
Basically they need supporting financially throughout uni ( uni loan system is based on them receiving parental financial support - parents income is declared and used to calculate the maintenance loan they will get) and beyond graduation until are in full-time work.
Parenting doesn't stop at 18 and ime they will need you throughout early adulthood.

You don't need to 'keep the peace' the kid will be an adult. As long as you do the best by your step son that's all the matters. It is not up to you to subsidise the ex! Don't waste your money on her, invest your money in him!

The glory of stepchildren becoming adults is you no longer have to appease the ex wife!

You should be very clear with her that maintenance stops when he finishes sixth form, and very clear with him that any arrangement he makes with his mum should form part of his budget.

It’s good that he’s catastrophising. Means he’s thinking ahead!

I guess to keep the peace with his ex wife? No idea, but a good point nonetheless

Would it be cleaner to stop CM but with the expectation that Dad tops up the loan and mum supports him when he’s at home? Don’t know if the figures would work but it’s a way of breaking the tie of CM but still recognising that she is keeping him for several months of the year.

She’s not necessarily keeping him at all though. He wants to get “as far away as possible” and plenty of people don’t go home in uni holidays, especially if they have jobs.

On £10.5k he'll be on the same as or more than most people at Uni.

He'll work it out alongside his peers.

Yeah, it's probably a good idea to have a chat with him about what it needs to cover, budgeting skills etc, but he'll learn as he goes along.

What I would say is don't underestimate the (non financial) value of giving him occasional top ups or treats. We do for ours sometimes - either send them an online shop, or Amazon over a bottle of Vodka or bung them the odd £50 when my Premium Bonds have done well! There's something nice about doing kind things for those you love and showing them that you're still thinking about them even if they're far away and all grown up! I think everyone needs to know that their parents will always have their back, however old they are.

For my Foster Son who will get a maximum loan for outside London because he was a looked after DC we will order him a food shop each week as he's on a high protein diet for sport and pay for all his travel and sports kit. We think he might gets a small bursary as a looked after DC but we wouldn't let him go without or have less than other DC because he's had to work so hard to overcome his neglectful and abusive past. He'll get the same help my own DC got at Uni.

I agree, and not to forget they do appreciate all parents do for them.

It's good that he's started thinking and talking about it.

Google 'save the student budget' and the top result is a decent spreadsheet which is designed for students to plan and keep track of their money. They know that students won't want to spend ages on it so it primarily means just looking at it once a month (once they've started).

It sounds like your DSS is going to be on a fairly big Maintenance Loan (ML). You said he'd get the 'second highest' amount because his mum's household income is relatively low. He should check out the websites of the universities he's interested in to see if he's eligible for any additional bursaries or scholarships. He can also look at accommodation costs.

Students receiving big Maintenance Loans generally don't get much top up from their parents because they usually can't afford it so if you can give him a monthly allowance then he'll be doing really well.

It's worth knowing that he's more likely to secure a cheaper room if he applies early (which is usually once he's accepted his offer) and if he ends up going to his first choice uni. So that might impact who his first choice uni is.

If he runs into financial difficulty while at uni, instead of bailing him out, suggest that he contacts the university's funding advice team to ask about applying for hardship support. This will likely be non-repayable.

I think it's quite hard for them to budget a whole new life they haven't tried yet.

I'm not sure how the numbers stack up for him but would it make more sense the other way round? We are thinking of it as our contribution covers rent (or nearly, if you and his other parents can't make it up to that) and his loan plus earnings is what he lives off. I know it's the same numbers either way but conceptually it's easier to see a way to survive if his entire loan isn't immediately getting swallowed by rent.

Not many parents whose children get the near maximum loan can afford to cover their child’s rent!

yes maybe I'm confused by the "second highest amount" business. Apologies.

It's because the DMs household income is £40k or below

Ds2 is at Warwick, his rent is £7960 but he is in a room with an en-suite. He also has a spreadsheet so his food costs are averaging £39 per week, laundry is £3.40 for a wash and £1.90 for a tumble dryer. He does 2 loads of washing, clothing and then bedding and towels, but puts it all into one dryer.

Ds says some people pay £25 per week on food some spend £50. Ds eats meat, salmon, chicken etc. His takeaway curry is £19 with delivery but that comes out of the other budget.

Things to consider, Netflix, Amazon Prime, phone contract, bus travel, any supplies for his course ie books, photocopying costs. Ds gets £100 a week from us term time only. His entire loans pays towards his rent and we top up the rent as he gets minimum loan.

Maybe he needs to govyo uni and stay at home. Get a job. That's what my kids did.

When DD was deciding which uni to go to, I made it very clear how much I could contribute per month and how much I had saved up to give her as a lump sum to get set up. She factored that into her decision on which uni to choose and selected one she could afford.

But how can he possibly do that when he doesn’t yet know his rent, other student living costs other than food, or what income he might be able to get from part-time work?

He may be over-focussing on the money to mask other worries about living away from home for the first time.
Is he able to look after himself? Knows how to cook healthy meals cheaply? Knows how to care for clothes (different washes for fabrics, colours etc.)?
Is he used to doing household chores and cleaning?
Is he generally mature or 'young' for his age?

If he can put together a spreadsheet, then he should be able to budget fine.

Your DH may not think a 'big sit down meeting' is needed, but there is nothing to stop you having another conversation with DSS and explaining clearly that you are prepared to send him £150pm for groceries, so he can add that to his spreadsheet. Offer to check his spreadsheet for him.
You do need to be explicit and clear so that there is no room for misunderstanding