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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

188 replies

GladReader · 17/03/2025 20:10

I had to take DS to London for a hospital appointment today. A friend offered to have my daughter and I graciously accepted

My friend was unwell on the day. However, she insisted her mum would take my daughter (her granddaughter is in the same class). I’ve briefly met her a few times and know she works in a school. She was insisting it was absolutely fine and that her little girl was looking forward to it, so I said that would be much appreciated

To cut a long short short, I collected my daughter and thanks the grandmother. Said I was extremely grateful. She told me DD had a wonderful time and showed me some lovely pictures of them having fun

As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’

She, straight face, said ‘Call it £70. That’s for the food, play and teddy. It would’ve been cheaper but they had a look round Build A Bear and it did add up’

She didn’t look like she was joking. I said ‘You’ll have to send me your bank details’ and she nodded, changing the subject.

AIBU not to follow up if she doesn’t ask again?

I have tried asking DD (5) but she isn’t very verbal so can’t really articulate much. There is a bear here with a princess dress on, complete with slippers! And DD says she had chips and fries (yes, I know I know, they’re the same).

This was all very rushed and I know some may judge that I left DD like this - But I would’ve had to cancel DS’s appointment if I didn’t accept and it’s too much drama when it comes to GOSH

OP posts:
Original poster
GladReader · 17/03/2025 20:12

I also need to say that I was under the impression they were going to the park and having dinner when done

I really didn’t know they were going into town and shopping/eating out! Otherwise I would’ve handed over some allocated funds just for that and not left it to someone else to pay for

OP posts:
YesThatsATurdOnTheRug · 17/03/2025 20:13

Sounds like crossed wires but from what you've said she's bought her a Build a Bear and that is expensive and I assume they've done soft play or something? Obviously you didn't ask for/agree to those costs but I'd pay when she sent her bank details and just remember not to accept that friend's offers going forward!

Clairey1986 · 17/03/2025 20:13

Erm I think some serious mixed messages here.

The granny didn’t offer you the favour.

She obviously took the girls somewhere expensive.

You literally offered to pay her.

Yes yabu to not pay her unless she has to chase you.

Hope your son’s appointment went well.

UpMyself · 17/03/2025 20:14

You asked ‘How much do I owe you?’. You got a reply.

Original poster
GladReader · 17/03/2025 20:15

Clairey1986 · 17/03/2025 20:13

Erm I think some serious mixed messages here.

The granny didn’t offer you the favour.

She obviously took the girls somewhere expensive.

You literally offered to pay her.

Yes yabu to not pay her unless she has to chase you.

Hope your son’s appointment went well.

She did offer. I was sent a WhatsApp message from her backing up what my friend had said, insisting it was no trouble at all and she knew how tough hospitals can be, etc etc

OP posts:
Gymmum82 · 17/03/2025 20:16

I mean a fully dressed build a bear is probably about £40 if not more. But that should have been cleared with you before the purchase not after.
£30 for tea and a play after school is ridiculous it’s not even that expensive for a childminder, of which she isn’t. I would reimburse her for the Teddy or return it and nothing more. Absolute cheeky fucker

DenholmElliot11 · 17/03/2025 20:16

Jesus, what sort of favour is it when someone spunks £70 of another womans money without even asking?

Annascaul · 17/03/2025 20:16

If you thought it was a favour, it was odd to ask what you owed her.
She was unreasonable to buy your daughter a build a bear and then charge you for it.

TokyoSushi · 17/03/2025 20:17

Oh gosh, an expensive mistake, but if they’ve been out and she’s now got a new build a bear then I think you’ll have to pay up.

That would have been a big treat day for me, but maybe it’s something fairly standard for the Grandma…

Monster6 · 17/03/2025 20:18

Cross wires. I’d do as others have said and pay IF she sends details and just make a mental note to double check they’re not doing anything similar in future. I’ve taken kids to soft play/dinner etc in the past, it’s really nice if kid comes with £10/15 in pocket to contribute (even if you don’t end up taking it!) , as you have mentioned you would normally do. Put it down to experience op

Ddakji · 17/03/2025 20:19

Your mistake was asking how much you owed her. It would never have occurred to me to do that. Once I’d realised about the bear I would have paid for that but otherwise if you offer to look after a child with no strings attached, that’s what happens and any money you choose to spend is on you.

What if the OP didn’t have spare cash for an expensive bear she didn’t ask for?

arcticpandas · 17/03/2025 20:19

Wtf have I just read! Seriously, who does this? I hope your friend will set her mum straight or pay her herself since she was the one offering. I would be a millionaire if I had charged every time I had a child over.

Lulooo · 17/03/2025 20:20

YABU only because you asked her how much she owed you. If it was a favour then why would you ask that in the first place and risk getting an answer you’re not happy with?

I would have either bought her something as a thank you gift worth equivalent or more than the amount she spent on DD, or I would have given her an amount myself based on how much I could afford.

And next time, I wouldn’t send my DD to anyone who was going to take them to build a Bear or whatever that would cost me an arm and a leg that I couldn’t afford.

Bearbookagainandagain · 17/03/2025 20:21

I'm on the fence. She would be unreasonable to charge you for her time if it wasn't clearly agreed before.

She is reasonable to ask you to pay for expenses on the day, but I would be really pissed off if someone had taken my child to something as expensive as Build a Bear without asking me first and then expected me to pay for it!

70 seems like a lot, I do think you have to pay if she send her details but indeed I wouldn't chase her for it either.

MyPearlCrow · 17/03/2025 20:23

I think it was very odd to ask what you owed. You therefore walked straight into a bill. Pay it, lesson learned. Don’t ask!!

lalaloopyhead · 17/03/2025 20:26

Can you say something to your friend? I would be mortified if my Mum did this to my one of my friends.
'hi friend, this is a bit awkward and I don't want to sound like a CF but so you know what your Mum did with the kids today? I offered to cover costs (thinking they might have been to maccy D's or something ) and she said it was £70, tbh I wasn't expecting it so didn't know what to say!'

Original poster
GladReader · 17/03/2025 20:27

MyPearlCrow · 17/03/2025 20:23

I think it was very odd to ask what you owed. You therefore walked straight into a bill. Pay it, lesson learned. Don’t ask!!

Really? I just thought it was an unwritten rule - Nobody actually ever says ‘Oh, you owe this’. They usually wave their hand to swat you away

OP posts:
Moonnstars · 17/03/2025 20:28

First question, why wasn't the daughter in school? I assumed this was just going to be looking for someone to drop her and then mind her until you returned from the appointment in London.

Secondly this does seem like a strange arrangement. What was the friend originally planning on doing with the two children? As a favour I would be thinking they would just be minding them along with their own child, at home.

I think you will have to pay up the money as it does sound like she took the children shopping as you have the bear with it's outfit as evidence and that could easily have cost £50 when adding on accessories.

W0tnow · 17/03/2025 20:29

It was presumptuous of her to do the build a bear thing, then charge you!

Ddakji · 17/03/2025 20:30

GladReader · 17/03/2025 20:27

Really? I just thought it was an unwritten rule - Nobody actually ever says ‘Oh, you owe this’. They usually wave their hand to swat you away

Show quote history

I always think “this is an unwritten rule on Mumsnet” that I’ve never seen or heard happen in real life.

CandyCane457 · 17/03/2025 20:31

I think she was hugely unreasonable to spend so much in build a bear without checking with you first.

Id be curious to know if she would’ve asked for money if you hadn’t offered.

I don’t think it’s that wild that you asked if you owed her anything, but maybe on reflection would’ve been better if youd said “did you need to spend any money on food, do I owe you anything to cover that?” As I truly think anything she did that cost money (other than food) was her choice, so she should pay. But now you’ve asked and she’s given you this bill, I do think you need to pay it.

Annascaul · 17/03/2025 20:31

GladReader · 17/03/2025 20:27

Really? I just thought it was an unwritten rule - Nobody actually ever says ‘Oh, you owe this’. They usually wave their hand to swat you away

Show quote history

Not if you’ve already agreed that it’s a favour, no.
You’ll know better next time, won’t you?
She certainly called your bluff 😬.

Buttonknot · 17/03/2025 20:32

I don't think she should have taken your DD to do all that without checking with you first. However, given that she did do it, it's not fair for her to be out of pocket so YABU not to pay her.

SuspiciousChipmunk · 17/03/2025 20:33

Buying your daughter a build a bear is just weird. I’d have questioned why she did that and either told her DD already has lots of toys and handed it back or thanked her for the gift!

CandidGreenSquid · 17/03/2025 20:34

I am a bit confused as to why you would ask someone who’s done you a favour, how much you owe them? Unless you knew they were going out for tea, in which case it’s fair enough that you offer to reimburse but if you just thought they were having tea at home and playing, why would you even offer?

edit to add: you should probably pay in this (very awkward) situation. It all seems unusual but you should just pay the £70