To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

[GladReader]

I had to take DS to London for a hospital appointment today. A friend offered to have my daughter and I graciously accepted

My friend was unwell on the day. However, she insisted her mum would take my daughter (her granddaughter is in the same class). I’ve briefly met her a few times and know she works in a school. She was insisting it was absolutely fine and that her little girl was looking forward to it, so I said that would be much appreciated

To cut a long short short, I collected my daughter and thanks the grandmother. Said I was extremely grateful. She told me DD had a wonderful time and showed me some lovely pictures of them having fun

As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’

She, straight face, said ‘Call it £70. That’s for the food, play and teddy. It would’ve been cheaper but they had a look round Build A Bear and it did add up’

She didn’t look like she was joking. I said ‘You’ll have to send me your bank details’ and she nodded, changing the subject.

AIBU not to follow up if she doesn’t ask again?

I have tried asking DD (5) but she isn’t very verbal so can’t really articulate much. There is a bear here with a princess dress on, complete with slippers! And DD says she had chips and fries (yes, I know I know, they’re the same).

This was all very rushed and I know some may judge that I left DD like this - But I would’ve had to cancel DS’s appointment if I didn’t accept and it’s too much drama when it comes to GOSH

Well, considering that the woman was pressed into service to care for a five year old for the better part of a day, at the last minute, I’d say the OP was indeed in her debt.

The bear shopping showed poor judgment on the carer’s part but OP was right to raise the subject of reimbursement. There was lunch, softplay and possibly bus fare involved.

£70 for a childcare, lunch and a bear isn’t horrific. I would ask for the receipt for the bear in case it breaks but overall this family did exert themselves to find a solution for OP.

I would message the mum and say “think we had some crossed wires with granny. I hadn’t realised she was planning an expensive activity. Thanks so much for the favour, it’s much appreciated. I’ll bring £30 (or whatever that costs) at pick for the cost of the bear as I wouldn’t want her to be out of pocket”

So you are fine not paying her lunch?
I would pay. Lesson learnt.

Exactly, normal people say thank you.

Exactly this. Surely it was a favour - or you thought so - so why on earth would you ask this.

Ah I see we are on
"Don't read the op properly and make up a completely different, in fact entirely contradictory account of events" territory.

She wasn't "pressed into service" for heavens sake, she offered, and then op double checked and she confirmed again she was completely willing to look after her, all without ever asking for money.

If you offer to do something without asking for reimbursement first its ridiculous (and very rude) to then try and claim it back.

Even if she had been unwillingly pressed into it (which she wasnt) things like build a bear are a TREAT not a completely normal part of routine childcare. If money was an issue she could have taken them to cinema or soft play and McDonald's for a tenner each, or to the park with tea at home for free.

There was no need at all to spend seventy pounds, it might not be much to you but for the vast majority of people (heard of the COL crisis?) that is an expensive and entirely unnecessary day out - and very cheeky and rude to be the person who gets all the gratitude for being "miss generous benefactor" to the children then sneakily reclaims it afterwards from a stressed mother with an ill child!

If she was only willing to look after the dc if she got paid she should have said that upfront. If she'd said "ill do it for seventy quid" op would have been better off paying for a kids club or registered childminder, who would have been qualified and cheaper!

What if the op doesn't have £70 to give. I would be mortified if someone went out of their way to spoil my child and I didn't agree to it. I would wonder what they were thinking.

Not everyone has £70 to give. That £70 could be coming out of the rent/mortgage or bill. The op said if her a say this loosely friend didn't offer then she wouldn't have taken her son to the appointment. The op isn't the bank of England she isn't rolling in money. I would have been pissed if I got a bill for £70 when there could have been cheaper alternatives. The granny decided to spoil them she made that choice she could have done it another day with her grandchild only.

But still… Op asked what she owed the other woman, presumably having already clocked the bear her child was holding.
Maybe the woman thought op’s pride wouldn’t have allowed her to accept it as a gift, or something.
Immediately asking what she was owed is very strange, it obviously put the other woman on the back foot.
Nothing excuses buying the build a bear in the first place, though.
Totally excessive.
But op practically insisted on being given the bill 🤷🏻‍♀️

Exactly!

It’s possible of course that grandma charges her own daughter for days out. Not unheard of!

If she was ‘pressed into it’ she could have parked the child infront of a film on the sofa. It was fully her choice to go to build a bear! I have a child treated at gosh and it costs a bloody fortune in parking etc every time we go so it’s already an expensive day

No, in that very post she says she expected any suggestion of payment to be handwaved away.

I’m sympathetic to the OP, but sometimes social conventions bite back.

It was supposed to be a favour? So why did you ask how much you owed? Would you have asked your friend the same? I find that quite bizarre.
I'm sorry, I'd send a token payment to cover the food but not for the bear. She was a CF to do that! She's in effect spent your money for you! On something you hadn't agreed beforehand! No way she'd get paid back for that!

Have you spoken to your friend about this - if so what did she say?

No, it isn't! I've done massive favours for people, (granted, I haven't been a CF and bought things without their agreement). But I've waved them away when they've asked how much they owe! (I'm talking about lifts to places and collecting things for them, such as using my trailer for furniture moves etc). But then I'll help anyone out if they're friends.

Build a Bear starts at about £65 in Central London
So she's not trying to make any profit from you
Whether or not she should have taken you child to an expensive treat without telling you first would be the issue, I think?

Op’s friend had offered to look after her daughter, though?
There was no reason to suppose there was a cost to be covered.

£10 maybe £20 at the most but £70 is over the top who does that?

I agree, but op shouldn’t have asked.

I think you’ve misunderstood me - I don’t know anyone who asks “how much do I owe you” when you’ve done them a favour and looked after their kid. We just help each other out.

Omg I’d be fuming. I do regular afterschool favours for other mums, I’m a SAHM so often a go to for emergency pick ups for school friends, I’m happy to do it. There has been a rare occasion I might not go home but I would only ever spend what I cant afford on any child I was looking after and would not expect payment. I’d never dream of going to build-a-bear after school unless it was a pre planned trip which I would mention and I wouldn’t be buying other kids build-a-bears unless I could afford to absorb the cost, which I can’t. To us build-a-bear is a massive treat that would wipe out our monthly discretionary fund. We could never afford £70 on a random afterschool trip.

i was wondering about your “how much do I owe you” comment, I don’t think it’s usual but I suppose in the circumstances of her feeding your dd out I understand why you asked, I’ve had that asked of me when I’ve treat other peoples children, but fuck it’s a bag of sweets, maybe a McDonald’s but not a ridiculously overpriced build-a bear.

I wouldn't pay. I’d be messaging the friend and saying I think things have gone a bit off kilter. Your grateful for her mum looking after your dd but you never expected her to be taken out for tea and being taken to build a bear, your happy to cover the food and give the build a bear back but you can’t justify £70 for an unplanned afterschool shopping trip.

You should probably have said oh, let me pay you back for the lovely bear. Not what do I owe you. It sounds like your DD had a lovely day.

I’m assuming it’s because the grandmother fed the child when they were out rather than a meal at home. I wouldn’t expect to be asked or ask if someone took the child home with them but if they went out somewhere I can see why a parent would offer to cover any additional costs for their child.

@Ddakji Sorry, crossed wires there! Yes I agree x

This. You wouldn't have offered if there weren't obvious costs.