To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

[GladReader]

I had to take DS to London for a hospital appointment today. A friend offered to have my daughter and I graciously accepted

My friend was unwell on the day. However, she insisted her mum would take my daughter (her granddaughter is in the same class). I’ve briefly met her a few times and know she works in a school. She was insisting it was absolutely fine and that her little girl was looking forward to it, so I said that would be much appreciated

To cut a long short short, I collected my daughter and thanks the grandmother. Said I was extremely grateful. She told me DD had a wonderful time and showed me some lovely pictures of them having fun

As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’

She, straight face, said ‘Call it £70. That’s for the food, play and teddy. It would’ve been cheaper but they had a look round Build A Bear and it did add up’

She didn’t look like she was joking. I said ‘You’ll have to send me your bank details’ and she nodded, changing the subject.

AIBU not to follow up if she doesn’t ask again?

I have tried asking DD (5) but she isn’t very verbal so can’t really articulate much. There is a bear here with a princess dress on, complete with slippers! And DD says she had chips and fries (yes, I know I know, they’re the same).

This was all very rushed and I know some may judge that I left DD like this - But I would’ve had to cancel DS’s appointment if I didn’t accept and it’s too much drama when it comes to GOSH

Why did you ask how much you owe her if you weren't offering to pay?

This is mainly a communication issue on your part. She only said after you offered, it would be very strange of you not to pay at this point.

"How much do I owe you?" isn't a polite sentence filler, it's an offer to reimburse someone.

The grandmother broke it down into costs of food, play and teddy - she didn't mention a personal fee.

dc was offered a lift after a hike, he was quite persuasive, offered two of them a lift to the train station, and then charged them! the bus would have been a quarter of the price

but your scenario is completely different!

What is your friend saying about the situation?

Well normally I would say yes this needs to be clear at outset but you offered to pay, why did you do that if you didn't meant it?

I can’t wait to hear what the friend says. Op please update!

OK this isn't satisfactory but Grandma was probably emotionally coerced into it and picked an easy, but expensive, option to get through the arrangement safely and keeping the little ones entertained.

You asked and got an answer. She might have sucked it up if you didnt. Even so, she was pulled into this last minute and likely tried her best.

Overall you all achieved your objective - sorry to hear you had to go to GOSH hope it went OK.

I’d like to see how this would have played out, had you not asked the question. If you had blithely chatted about the weather for a few minutes, then left with a last ‘thank you’ would she have brought up the £70? We’ll never know, but there’s a chance not. But once the question was asked, had i been in her shoes, I would have thought ‘Oh, she must have had some kind of arrangement with (my) DD to cover any costs incurred’, hence the reply.

But, at the end of the day, you asked a question and got an answer. You would be unreasonable to not pay now and chalk it up to experience.

I’d just pay the money when the details are sent and have less to do with them in future…….yes they’ve done you a favour and costs weren’t agreed before but they obviously have more disposable cash and didn’t think to ask and you’ve now agreed to take on those payments made, at least your daughter had a nice time and was well looked after

I’d give your friend the £70 to pass on to Grandma and see what she says. I wouldn’t accept it on Grandma’s behalf it it were me.

Both unreasonable.

You don’t say ‘How much I owe you?’ to someone who has looked after your child as a favour. You introduced money into the equation so she took you up on it.

But also if I decided to get someone else’s child something expensive like build a bear, that’s my decision and I wouldn’t expect them to pay for it.

So 50/50 really!

If asking someone how much you owe them when you have no intention of paying them is some kind of culturally British quirk, how come most of the thread and the granny don’t agree?

It's an expensive lesson. I'd wager the grandmother didn't want to do it and was convinced by her daughter.

Well this is quite the crazy tale. Some might even call it unbelievable!

I think you should pay purely because you asked how much you owe her. It's also cheeky to go somewhere expensive if you're doing someone a favour and hoping they will pay you back. So two lessons learned here: don't use them for favours anymore, and don't ask someone doing you a favour how much you owe them!

@Gymmum82 I mean a fully dressed build a bear is probably about £40 if not more.

😮😮 Totally OT but that's just given me a fit of the vapours! Admittedly it's been years since I was last in BAB but 40 quid is crazy money.

I would expect to pay £40 for lunch and a few £ for bus fares. Not an expensive toy.

Did you ask how much you owed after she'd told you about the activities?

I can imagine offering to pay for those as part of the chat when collecting your daughter but I'd find asking how much you owe before that - so clearly meaning her time - is actually really awkward and a bit rude!

You asked, therefore you would be unreasonable not to pay. I expect grandma spoiled them and then regretted spending so much, you gave her an out.

Oh I know. I’ve only ever been once in my life and that was maybe 5 years ago. Came away with 2 bears fully clothed and shoes and £80 lighter. Never been back since. Can only imagine how much they have gone up with inflation

Either grandma is loaded and thinks nothing of spunking £50 on Build a Bear. Or she’s skint and got a surprise at the checkout, hence wanting to be reimbursed.

Poor communication all round.

I’d pay it but mention it to friend, along the lines of “Bloody hell! Those bears are a rip off!”

I’d have asked too. Quite normal where I live.

but I’d have been annoyed at the presumption of taken them to an expensive rip off like build a bear.

I might have said “Do I owe you anything?”, particularly as it wasn’t actually my friend who was dong the favour. But I would have expected the answer “Oh no, that’s fine!” Certainly not “70 quid, please!” And if I had chosen to do something expensive with someone else’s child I would certainly expect to pay for it myself. And if anyone does “judge” you for the arrangements you made, they are idiots.

It’s super odd to take a child on an expensive day out without being clear that the parent is meant to pay. If my kids go to soft play or whatever with friends it’s a plan - they say they’re doing whatever, I say if that’s okay. Then I pay for my own kid. Or I say no thank you and we meet up another time. I would never spend that kind of money on a toy!

But you already offered to pay and you did need the favour so unless it’s a huge financial issue I’d just pay - or tell them it’s too much and give the bear back?