To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

[GladReader]

I had to take DS to London for a hospital appointment today. A friend offered to have my daughter and I graciously accepted

My friend was unwell on the day. However, she insisted her mum would take my daughter (her granddaughter is in the same class). I’ve briefly met her a few times and know she works in a school. She was insisting it was absolutely fine and that her little girl was looking forward to it, so I said that would be much appreciated

To cut a long short short, I collected my daughter and thanks the grandmother. Said I was extremely grateful. She told me DD had a wonderful time and showed me some lovely pictures of them having fun

As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’

She, straight face, said ‘Call it £70. That’s for the food, play and teddy. It would’ve been cheaper but they had a look round Build A Bear and it did add up’

She didn’t look like she was joking. I said ‘You’ll have to send me your bank details’ and she nodded, changing the subject.

AIBU not to follow up if she doesn’t ask again?

I have tried asking DD (5) but she isn’t very verbal so can’t really articulate much. There is a bear here with a princess dress on, complete with slippers! And DD says she had chips and fries (yes, I know I know, they’re the same).

This was all very rushed and I know some may judge that I left DD like this - But I would’ve had to cancel DS’s appointment if I didn’t accept and it’s too much drama when it comes to GOSH

I would pay since the money has been spent and they did do you a favour but I wouldn't accept childcare/playdates from them again

The grandmother should not have given the girls free reign in build a bear.

Even if she had promised her granddaughter a trip there, she should have changed that plan when she offered to take your daughter, or clear it with you before hand.

Same as the soft play and food...you should have had a heads up so you could decide if you wanted to spend the money or take your daughter to the hospital with you (not fun for your daughter and a pain for you but wouldnt have cost you £70!)

You should have been told upfront what the day was likely to cost then you could decide if you wanted to pay it. Or the day should have been made cheaper by grandmother so you weren't stung with £70 at the end of it.

But why did you offer to pay her??

Nobody actually ever says ‘Oh, you owe this’. They usually wave their hand to swat you away

Only applies to your own mother or grandmother!

Who takes a child you don’t know to build a bear and buys them a teddy! She freely spent your money not knowing if you would pay or had the funds to pay - it’s bloody cheeky move!

You said yourself you would have had to cancel the hospital appointment if this lady hadn’t stepped in.

If you never want to use her or your friends babysitting services again don’t pay.

If you want to keep your friendship and a convenient emergency babysitting back up option, pay.

I personally would pay and I do pay fairly for ‘favours’ my neighbours do for me.

My parents won’t pay for anything to do with their house or garden and it makes others reluctant to help them as even when their children are willing to help for free it has got into such a state it is a major job instead of a maintenance one (these are the same parents that did no maintenance for their own elderly parents too and expected them to pay for gardeners etc but they themselves won’t). The result is I won’t help as much now because I am getting too old and I myself pay others to do the really heavy work around my own house.

I even paid my mother to look after my child and do some light cleaning (when he was a a baby and I needed a break as DH worked away) because it was the fair thing to do in my mind.

Yes, this. Not to mention ethical concerns about wasteful claptrap like these bears.

I hope it’s not a used/old one being palmed off on you.

Ask for the receipt, say “Actually I’ll need to return the bear to
the shop as it’s quite out of our budget,” and see what she says.

My mother used to do this she would beg to see the dc buy them stuff but never cleared it first then gave me receipts !!!! After a while I ignored it made it clear to stop spending on them like that and the receipts built up then she started threatening small claims court !!! We don’t see her anymore she keeps telling people I stole from her !!

I would just pay Op tbh
However, I do think that the Grandmother was wrong to have taken your dd to build a bear without speaking to you first
What would happen if you couldn’t afford to pay for the bear?
I don’t think that you were wrong to ask what was owed given that your dd was fed, watered and had a bear . I am sure that she enjoyed herself

As others have said, just chalk it up to experience .

As she is a grandparent it might be that this is the norm (to treat her grandchild when she takes her out) and she got a bit carried away. Perhaps her granddaughter was also showing off a bit to her friend (‘Look how fun my Grandma is!) and she wanted the girls to have a good time.

However your daughter was safe, cared-for, enjoyed herself and all at short notice so that you could make an important hospital appointment. So surely a good outcome overall? You would probably have paid £15 - £20 per hour for a short-notice nanny, plus any expenses.

You know what, it a majorly crossed wires and she shouldn't have charged you!! - but your kiddo had an amazing time, she has a lovely present as a memory that will no doubt be played with a lot, the grandma's intentions were (cackhanded but) good and you kept a vital hospital appointment - many good outcomes here - so all in all I'd pay and move on.

This is heading straight for the tabloids isn’t it?

Give the teddy back out of principle and give her money for food and transport etc. That’s ridiculous asking for £70. Hope your son is ok.x

Definitely!

I can see why OP asked how much she owes her I’d she said they went out for the day and her daughter comes to the door holding a brand new teddy bear!

To not comment on this would have made OP appear a pretty entitled CF. She obviously didn’t agree to the details of the day out but even offering to pay for food or an activity they would have done during the time they were away was the right thing to do, particularly someone who isn’t directly connected with her and her child (mother of friend/neighbour) who agreed to the responsibility to help her/the friend out. It was landed on this woman last minute and she probably didn’t have a home suitable to accommodate two 5 year old girls to play in all day - one of which she presumably didn’t even know. It made sense to take them out, but she obviously should have chosen low key, inexpensive activities to occupy them all day.

On the other hand, why should she have been expected to work out a timetable for such activities when she had this dropped on her at such short notice? She may have felt it was nice for the girl to have a special treat if she was worried about her brother being in hospital (or in general about his health) - but if she thought this she should have cleared it with OP or been prepared to pay for it herself, it was wrong to presume OP would pay for something special and expensive that she chose to do out the blue.

I can see it from both sides but the bill isn’t outlandish when you consider what she paid for to entertain your daughter, OP. She shouldn’t have decided/agreed to such an activity (perhaps the girls were begging her to go in during a shopping centre visit and she found it awkward to say no), but as she agreed to dig you out of a hole you should definitely pay up, especially as you offered.

Who knows, she may not have asked you, but I’m sure she felt extremely grateful you broached the subject first and it will avoid any awkwardness between her and her daughter at being out of pocket for essentially doing her (you) a favour.

Agree this is very odd and out of step with the prevailing culture. You just don’t take someone else’s child for a lavish birthday type treat of your own volition without checking with the parent. If you do that you pay for it. I world be flabbergasted too op it’s weird behaviour.

My teen has got in with a family of billionaires if they asked me to pay what they choose to spend on her we would be bankrupt!

Yeah I agree with this, so can see why OP asked. The problem I'd say is it's also because it's a grandmother taking them out I don't think a parent would do the same as far as the bear is concerned. I can totally imagine my parents doing something like this (although they wouldn't ask for the money)

Generally it is not unreasonable to think you don't do someone a favour and then charge them BUT in your case you messed up by offering to pay her whether you meant it or not. Why did you say that to someone you don't know well? That is where you messed up. You gave granny an IN to take the mick and this is where it's got you.

It is odd that the grandmother bought an expensive toy like that.

However, the whole babysitting thing was an unplanned, last-minute arrangement due to the mum being unwell - there was no opportunity to set expectations or ground rules for expenses - it's unlikely the grandmother will be looking after your DD again. For that reason, unless you really can't afford it, I would pay her and take it as a lesson to do things differently should you ever be in a similar situation in the future - as pp suggested, give some cash at the outset to cover incidental expenses (but not expensive teddy bears).

This. the world has gone mad.

If she was going to rob you blind expect payment, she should have said, "I'll have her for seventy cash." At least that way you knew what to expect and could have chosen a different course.

Hopefully she needs a lift or a favour one day and you can just say, "Bummer."

I would definitely pass the £70 cash on to the daughter and ask her to pass it to her mum saying that I didn’t have the cash on me when I collected my DD. That way she will know what her mum has asked for. Grandma was out of order taking them to BAB without checking with you. It’s a rip off!

Think I’d return the teddy and whinge at friend. Who takes out a 5 year old and spends that much? What if you couldn’t afford it? 🤬

I can see why you asked "what do I owe you?" when she'd bought a bear and stuff but I wouldn't spend £70 on someone else's child without asking them first. A day in nursery would cost about that or less. I can also see why you wouldn't want to argue when she said £70. Can you text your friend and say it was really kind of her to offer to help and for her mum to have your DC but you hadn't budgeted £70. She didn't need to spend that!

It's actually quite unhinged!

but you should pay for the bear

What kind of person takes a child to build-a-bear on a playdate (or babysitting situation) and then charges the parent for it?!

Mind you, you did ask.

So TBH, they were unreasonable, but you brought the bill on yourself by asking for it..

I’d have assumed it was a favour! I’d never assume I was paying and would know you were joking when offering to pay! She clearly doesn’t feel awkward asking for whatever she spent but £70?! Wow!

Suck it up and use someone else for favours! If I have my sons friends I pay for them as it’s my choice where I take them!

I'd look up how much the bear cost and sned that amount over... its technically illegal to pay for unregistered childcare.