To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

[GladReader]

I had to take DS to London for a hospital appointment today. A friend offered to have my daughter and I graciously accepted

My friend was unwell on the day. However, she insisted her mum would take my daughter (her granddaughter is in the same class). I’ve briefly met her a few times and know she works in a school. She was insisting it was absolutely fine and that her little girl was looking forward to it, so I said that would be much appreciated

To cut a long short short, I collected my daughter and thanks the grandmother. Said I was extremely grateful. She told me DD had a wonderful time and showed me some lovely pictures of them having fun

As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’

She, straight face, said ‘Call it £70. That’s for the food, play and teddy. It would’ve been cheaper but they had a look round Build A Bear and it did add up’

She didn’t look like she was joking. I said ‘You’ll have to send me your bank details’ and she nodded, changing the subject.

AIBU not to follow up if she doesn’t ask again?

I have tried asking DD (5) but she isn’t very verbal so can’t really articulate much. There is a bear here with a princess dress on, complete with slippers! And DD says she had chips and fries (yes, I know I know, they’re the same).

This was all very rushed and I know some may judge that I left DD like this - But I would’ve had to cancel DS’s appointment if I didn’t accept and it’s too much drama when it comes to GOSH

Why on earth did you ask how much do I owe you

It was asking for it!

No I don't think there's any need to expect to owe anything really when the other person has decided off their own back to bring the child out with them.
You didn't get a choice in it did you
And £70 is ridiculous anyway for something not agreed in the first place

Send them a small amount for the food if you want but it's not right saying that

I’d pay it out of politeness and as you did ask how much you owe her but I do think it’s unreasonable to look after someone else’s child when the parent is already in a stressful situation taking their other child to hospital and then to take the children to build a bear expecting it to be paid for

I’d pay but I’d give cash to your friend saying - “I didn’t have cash on me the other day to pay your mum, I think she said £70 if that’s wrong do let me know”. That way you’re clear of any debt and your friend knows her mam asked for payment. Never ask them for another favour!

It was odd to ask what you owe. You clearly saw in the pics she had spent a fair bit build a bear etc is not cheap. However it is also odd for the gran to have done this did she possibly not know expensive those bears are? I cannot understand why anyone would take a child there without anticipating spending alot or agreeing a limit if she expected reimbursed

I would never think to ask anyone what I owed them for looking after my child as a favour?

You literally asked her what you owe her. This is on you.

Sorry I need to add, I think you should pay given you asked not only how much you owe and for the bank account. She also sounds quite generous given what she did (I assume that she only said the payment as you asked). You should've really sent some money with your DD for food, as given the grandmother looked after your DD is was more like babysitting rather than a favour. Perhaps work out what that would've cost if you think it's too expensive. Although I think you should just pay and cut your losses. Lesson learned for next time

Not everyone has the manual on unwritten rules, no I would not personally have done what she did but you asked she answered

I'd be disgusted,

I'd usually pay up to save face but in your situation, I would refuse, I'd be prepared for the fall-out.

Maybe pay for the bear..

Does she have receipts then?

And definitely speak to your friend.

Good god, why would you ask how much you owe? That’s absolutely mad.

I would ask how much do I owe, with the bear and any treats in mind, not an hourly rate on top.

I think this all comes down to norms. I would have expected to reimburse for a cafe stop, maybe transport and soft play entry. But unless you move in very well off circles I think the GM was pretty unreasonable to take them to Build-a-Bear without okaying it first and I wouldn’t chase her to pay that.

However, it was really good of the GM to take her at such short notice when she doesn’t really know you. It sounds like it really helped you out. And in a sense £70 for short notice nannying for a day is probably a pretty good rate (I think - long time since I needed care for my kids). So if she does send you her bank details (and it won’t leave you unable to pay essential bills) then I would pay and make sure not to accept again without mentioning an expenditure cap.

I think I’d have said, ‘What do I owe you?’ if my child had emerged carrying a new Build a Bear. I’d never expect a stranger to have bought an expensive gift for my child, and would have felt very weird accepting one.

She shouldn’t have taken your DD there without permission, though, and I’d be saying to my friend something along the lines of, ‘Blooming heck, DD’s going to be begging for your mum to babysit every time from now on. I’d better arrange a mortgage, ha ha!’

Very weird thing to do.

Asking "How much do I owe you?" implies you think you owed something, and there are clearly no flies on that grandmother. Cheeky bint.

A British and polite filler would have been "Can I contribute at all?"

Asking what do I owe you is weird.

The whole thing is weird. You do seem desperate but I’m not sure I’d have left my 5 year old with someone I’d never met. I would have been mightily pissed off that that person took my little girl into town without my permission and bought her a 50 quid build a bear. I would tell your friend what happened and that you weren’t expecting a fee of £70 and instead give back the bear. Write a short thanks but no thanks note.

She was wrong to buy a build a bear for your daughter and expect you to pay. It's not like you can ask her to get a refund either I don't think? awkward. YABU asking for bank details then making her follow up though. Should have confronted her at the time

Sorry. You did meet her briefly before. It’s still cheeky of her.

I don't think asking 'what do I owe' is outrageous considering it must have been clear from the photos that the kids were taken out, ate out etc. I certainly remember my parents asking that when their friends looked after us and took us out.

But the answer would always be 'oh no don't worry about it'.

I am astonished that anyone takes someone elses child to Build-A-Bear without prior arrangement/discussion, lets a child select an expensive toy, pays for it... and then expects the childs parent to repay that! Don't take the fucking kids to bloody BAB!

I think you do have to cough up OP, but chalk it up to experience and don't accept favours from these people again, they're absolutely fucking nuts!

Mumsnet is being weird again.
How much do I owe you is a perfectly understandable polite way of saying “you’ve obviously spent money on them on the day out, can I reimburse you”.
but most people would expect a modest amount for some food and drink on a day out OR a don’t worry about it NOT a bloody build a bear at £50+!

I invited a group of my DD’s friends out the other day (they are year 6 primary so brought money and mooched round the shops while I sat in a cafe). I then chose to buy them all a milkshake - some of the girls had run out of money - and it added up. Some of the mums asked what they owed me on the group chat and I said not to worry as I’d bought them an expensive ish drink out of my own choice.

op you have to pay- you literally asked her then talked about bank details. I’m so sorry but it’s an insane situation, maybe you said you were looking for someone to mind your child by accident?

I think it’s right that the woman is reimbursed for her costs.

I think it’s unreasonable that she spent so much without agreeing it first. What if your budget couldn’t extend to a lavish day out?

I’d just pay it and keep the peace (as you have done).

You asked.
Next time send your child with an envelope with 50 pounds saying - Thank you and for any expenses you incur.
Then the friend can choose food and activities within a budget.

I dunno if I would pay it yet. Speak to your friend first and see what she thinks. I think it’s madness tbh. Such a pricey day out for a 5 year old that the woman didn’t even know.
If you do end up paying it’s an expensive lesson learnt. Bring your dd next time or try and get appointments when she’s at school.