To think you don’t do someone a favour and then charge them?

[GladReader]

I had to take DS to London for a hospital appointment today. A friend offered to have my daughter and I graciously accepted

My friend was unwell on the day. However, she insisted her mum would take my daughter (her granddaughter is in the same class). I’ve briefly met her a few times and know she works in a school. She was insisting it was absolutely fine and that her little girl was looking forward to it, so I said that would be much appreciated

To cut a long short short, I collected my daughter and thanks the grandmother. Said I was extremely grateful. She told me DD had a wonderful time and showed me some lovely pictures of them having fun

As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’

She, straight face, said ‘Call it £70. That’s for the food, play and teddy. It would’ve been cheaper but they had a look round Build A Bear and it did add up’

She didn’t look like she was joking. I said ‘You’ll have to send me your bank details’ and she nodded, changing the subject.

AIBU not to follow up if she doesn’t ask again?

I have tried asking DD (5) but she isn’t very verbal so can’t really articulate much. There is a bear here with a princess dress on, complete with slippers! And DD says she had chips and fries (yes, I know I know, they’re the same).

This was all very rushed and I know some may judge that I left DD like this - But I would’ve had to cancel DS’s appointment if I didn’t accept and it’s too much drama when it comes to GOSH

As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’

That's not a sentence filler or a British tradition. You've paid the Wet Lettuce Tax.

Build a Bear is so expensive. I remember being fleeced when I took dd and that was the bear, little outfit, the voice box etc. It all mounts up and before you know it you're paying a fortune. I remember paying about £80 and that was 10 years ago. I imagine she took the girls out to town, got dragged in there by them and before she knew it had paid a fortune. You did ask how much you owed her. She's probably hoping that she'll recoup some of the loss. Sounds like the day cost her a fortune. Eating out with 2 kids isn't cheap either!

The danger of using platitudes. One day someone will call your bluff.

I've had to vote YABU purely because you asked how much you owed her, if you're not going to pay then why would you ask?

If she'd spent that much without asking you, THEN asked you to pay without you offering, she would definitely be the unreasonable one! And you would have had the perfect get-out clause, and could have told her you hadn't budgeted for that and couldn't afford it (especially with the costs of having to travel into London), and she should have checked with you first.

But - you asked how much you owed!

I would ask and expect to pay for lunch, a coffee and bus fares. I wouldn't imagine people spending money on expensive toys.
People do really weird things tbh.

I wish people would use their language appropriately and say what they mean. It would be so much easier that way. For example - my DP is a CF who does not propose marriage and gets all the benefits of a wife without offering her any financial protection. Or 'we should have a coffee at some point' means 'I don't want to ever see you again'. Or in this instance - 'how much do I owe you, give me your bank details' means exactly that. Say what you mean and mean what you say and life will be wonderful.

It wasn’t a platitude if the OP was trying to cover the cost of her child’s lunch, soft play etc; she just didn’t expect the bear.

A days child care at £70 - not too shoddy

This I'm afraid. Like you literally asked her so just pay her.

I'd just give the £70 to friend to pass on

Asking “how much do I owe you?” is not a normal question to ask in this scenario, so I suspect you’re not telling us the full story. There must have been some discussion about her doing an activity with the children to prompt you to say that. If you really thought they were going to the park and eating at home, you wouldn’t have asked that question.

Clearly they did go to Build-a-Bear and your DD probably loves her new bear, so you’re just going to have to suck it up. You got a day’s childcare, your DD was entertained, fed and looked after, so £70 is reasonable for all that. Pay up and move on.

I’d return the build a bear teddy to the friend and pay for the other costs.

You don’t incur costs on a £40 teddy (which I wouldn’t waste money on even for my child’s birthday) without getting permission first from the person you expect to pay!

I agree with OP. Clearly one doesn’t ask “do I owe you anything” if your child has gone round to someone’s house for a “play date “. However if someone has had your child for the day, even if it’s their best friend and the mother has offered, it is a very normal question. HOWEVER it’s sort of rhetorical; it’s an unwritten rule that the correct response is “of course not, my pleasure” and will usually mean that at best your child has been treated to a happy meal and that at some point it will be reciprocated.
If there were plans to go to build a bear and have an expensive meal then OP should have been warned in advance.

This is bizarre! A bunch of flowers would do it for me!

I graciously accepted

I love this. I’m going to graciously accept favours all week now.

I would also do this.

Did you have any idea that they were going out to BaB, soft play and lunch before you dropped DD off? (or generally going out somewhere- where you'd presumably expect to be paying for any expenses your DD incurred).

If you were told, "it's OK, my mum is taking her grandaughter to BaB soft play and lunch - your DD is welcome to join", then I would have absolutely expected to pay, and I would have budgeted accordingly.

If there was no mention of any activities, then I can see why the £70 came as a shock.

Fundamentally, I think it's far more cheeky to expect the person doing you a favour to pay out £70 to entertain your daughter than it is for you to cover the costs of your daughter's activities. And £70 for a full day's childcare, including BaB for your child is still a pretty good deal.

The issue is whether an expensive activity was reasonable for person doing you a favour to decide to do. In the absence of any discussion, I guess not. But it's possible that was lost in translation as this all seems to have been organised via a third party.

But overall, you had a day's childcare, your child had lunch out and went to soft play and BaB and has her bear to bring home with her - so £70 seems pretty good value. The childcarer will only be covering her costs, not making money out of this.

What do you expect the friend to do with the bear? She had nothing to do with it.

She's a cheeky bastard but to save any awkwardness just pay the £70 chalk it up as an exspensive mistake and never accept a "favour" from here ever again, if it were me and I offered to take someone's child out I'd just pay for them, but then again I probably wouldn't take them to build a bear. 😂 I feel for you OP what a shit situation to find yourself in.

“Why did you ask her how much you owed?” probably because the child walked out with a brand new build a bear and it was bloody awkward. I would have asked the same too in that situation.

She’s a CF taking your child to build a bear and letting her pick an outfit for it too. If she must have taken her granddaughter surely she could have picked up a “pay your age” bear for your daughter and blagged it was her birthday!
But the damage was already done when she took it up on herself to assume you had the funds for all this.

Where on earth did they eat? I’d be internally very pissed off too OP. The favour has turned in to more hassle than it’s worth. Nothing you can say now though really as she did you a “favour”.

Thing is - had you not said how much do I owe should she have chased it! She volunteered to have child, then took her to the most expensive kids shop there is in build a bear! All of her own doing, yes you asked out of politeness but most people would say don’t worry about it! It was gm choice to shell out a fortune!

"As a generally British and polite sentence filler, I said ‘How much do I owe you?’"

Clearly this "Polite sentance filler" is where you went wrong OP. It's also the MOST annoying "British" trait around.

Saying that, to take someone elses child to look after for a few hours and then spend £70 on them without asking the parents first is bonkers.

It wasn't on of the grandma to take your daughter to two expensive activities without asking you first...

Then again, Why did you say "how much do I owe you"?! Weird question, that makes it awkward and opens the door for her to say "well actually..."

In normal circumstances I'd say you shouldn't have to pay anything, but you did offer, and your daughter does now have a build-a-bear...

I agree with the majority, why on earth did you ask her how much you owed her if you didn't think you owed her anything?

If you hadn't said anything she would have been in the wrong to expect or ask for £70 and I'd have had no qualms in saying no if she asked for it. Who takes a child to build a bear without checking with their parent first if they don't expect to pay? That's ridiculous! At most you should have said "can I give you a tenner for her dinner," if it had been agreed beforehand they'd be eating out.

But the moment you asked "how much do I owe you?" you established that you considered that you were in her debt and wanted to repay it - you didn't word it as an offer "do I owe you anything?" but as a fact!

She could equally come on here and say "AIBU to think that you don't agree you owe someone money and then refuse to pay them?"

My mum and dad used to have a friend like this they used to call him ‘Do You A Favour Percy’. He offered to tow a boat on his trailer for my dad and drove under a love bridge and completely destroyed it. I used to love stories about Do You A Favour Percy lol