Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

ps I know lots of people have ADHD and ASD and are highly successful. That's not in doubt. Sadly, it's not my personal experience and every job I had pre children I felt overwhelmed by imposter syndrome.

I voted YABU because of course you’re not BU to want to work but you’ve not said that you’re applying for work or if you’ve attended and failed at interviews etc.

It’s difficult when you’re educated and skilled but have little to no experience. You are going to have to start out low paid and you won’t have all your boxes ticked until you ‘pay your dues’. You may even need to take on ANY role in a supermarket or office in order to get your foot in the door for something that’s more geared toward your training and education. But it’s unclear whether you’ve applied for anything and been rejected or whether you’re just upset because your ideal job doesn’t exist.

@TreatYoSelf2025 I'm not applying for jobs. I actually get offered jobs every so often and turn them down because the idea floors me. I worked between university and having children. But the level of work was senior and the responsibility was very stressful.

I'm not going to work in a supermarket. tbh I imagine I wouldn't get anywhere even if I applied as I'd be ridiculously over qualified.

Hang on, so you’re not applying for jobs… so what exactly is your issue/ question? In one moment you lament your lack of employment but then say you’re not going to get just any job…and you haven’t applied for anything… what exactly do you want us to do??

I have ADHD and you can't use it as an excuse for being bad at admin. You need to be able to keep on top of admin in a way that works for you. If you can manage it for your family life you've really got no excuse.

@Yellowflowerr I don't know. Posting here was probably a mistake. I read job descriptions of jobs I'm qualified for and could do and feel utterly panicky and overwhelmed and sick. Maybe this isn't something loads of people can relate to. It's the feeling of being trapped in a job when I am also still very much needed as the adult running our family. I think words of wisdom from other ND people or people who understand neurodiversity might be what I need.

Buy a lottery ticket?

Doesn't sound like you want to work.

In your post you are careering around (as it were) between saying you are absolutely brilliant and completely useless!
When it comes to finding a job, you could try aiming for the middle ground and identify the kind of role that your qualifications are relevant to, which but is not the most demanding of you or the hardest kind of job to get.

Whether or not you are working from home, if you are required to work fixed hours anything close to full time, you will need to put in place some childcare. You might be able to do some swaps during the holidays with other working parents but otherwise you'll need to earn enough to pay for the childcare.
Interesting about the admin, that you can do it if it really matters to you! Perhaps this matters enough for you to focus your mind there in a work role?
Good luck.

Thank you so much for the kind words. There is a world of difference between keeping on top of admin for people who I love most in the world and keeping up with work admin that is banal and often feels pointless.

If you get offered jobs so regularly then just take one? How will you know it's not for you if you don't do it.

If you feel like meds will work then try them.

In school holidays you'll have to find a childminder or put them in clubs and use your holiday entitlement to be off over that time.

It is indeed a big ask working full time in a high up position but you get used to it.

I have ADHD and I manage it all semi well. You need to google imposter syndrome and maybe download some audio books on it.

I say just go for it. If you don't like the job you get, you aren't a tree- you can move. x

I think self employment is probably the best option. But that also feels quite overwhelming! Interesting about meds bringing out the ASD... Yikes!!

Well no. I don't really. But I know if I found my niche I would love to work. It's finding that niche that's hard. I'm not lazy.

I have AuDHD but it doesn’t rule my life. I don’t let it. I make choices based on what’s best for my children and our finances. You don’t seem to be doing that which suggests you need a system and potentially some therapy to move forwards. It sounds like you fear failure more than you fear not being able to pay the bills and that’s never productive.

You do what you have to do to provide. That’s the long and short of it. Nobody to take care of your kids for free during the holidays? It’s called childcare. We pay for it. If you’re eligible you may be able to get help to get free hours or some paid for by UC as you’re a single parent.

When you say you get offered roles, do you get offered a full job or the chance to interview? From what you’ve said, you’re educated and trained but have absolutely no experience making you undesirable for higher paid roles. When you say you won’t work in a supermarket, you must be absolutely fine on benefits then so you clearly can pay the bills.

You don’t need advice. You need to do SOMETHING.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I'm sorry but YABVU. You want to wfh, with no admin, in another interstellar role, that keeps you entertained and offers a good pension, but only term time.

Most of the issues you have, you need to work on, its not the responsibility of a business to accomodate you (and all your issues) and pay you handsomely (with a great pension) just because you've got a diagnosis. Stop making excuses, and instead start understanding your boundaries, you areas of improvement and do something to improve them instead of looking for unicorns.

Doesn't everyone want to wfh, with no admin, in an amazing interesting role, with fabulous renumeration with loads of holidays!

Either that or start your own business.

Respectfully, you’ve said you need to get a job and that you have a large gap between your last job and now. You’re not really in a position to be too picky?

Thank you. I am on paper brilliant. I am the person you want in a crisis. I am creative, intelligent, kind. These are all things that people from every area of my life say. BUT, I'm the class person who has not fulfilled my potential. the original "could do better", "needs to concentrate more" etc

The thing with childcare is that there really aren't options locally that are more than 3-5 hours a day in the holidays with the exception of one holiday club that only runs for 4 weeks in the year and costs £400 per week per child.

My children are still quite young and really not keen on holiday clubs that are longer than a few hours. Another tick in the box of self employment tbh.

can you volunteer ?

Get some coaching from a neuro divergent specialist like Genius Within on how to get started and continue

This is so encouraging. Can I ask what sort of business your friend started? I'm not a domestic goddess but can get on with that side of life because there is no-one else to do it and I can't have my children living in a hovel 😂 But I make challenges out of domestic jobs and try to do the boring bits as fast as possible and as early in the day as possible so it's done!

If you are mid 40s with no work experience behind you, you will find it hard to get into work.

I found it difficult to get a decent job at this age when I moved cities and I had two decades of work experience behind me.

Lots of people work without it being their 'niche'. A lot of work is just getting on with stuff regardless of whether you are interested in it.

Its hard to know what to suggest when you have had an opportunity but were too anxious to act on it. You need to get past that to work really.

You sound very stuck.

It's all about the mindset. And accountability.

Look at CIPD as they were running a programme offering mentorship. That would help in terms of setting goals or a life coach?

I think you'd benefit from medication to help your ADHD, have you spoken to your doctor?

You really need to shift your mindset.
You are being like this because of what you believe about yourself.

Start telling yourself a different story. Write a script. Say it daily.

Stick post it note around the house, tell yourself you are amazing.

Write yourself a glowing reference.

It this is all pointless unless you actually start looking at potential jobs and taking the challenge.

It's scary. I returned to full time work after 16 years!!

Start small. Find a busy role with lots of different but process driven elements. It's all that works for me.
Frankly it doesn't matter how qualified you are, you've had years out so you'll have to start from the bottom realistically