Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

Hi
im not ND but I am a complete lone parent and experience that constant fear that you describe - it’s tough and I feel for you.

On a different note, the worry can get really bad around peri menopause. I was in a bad way with my work around this time. I’m not saying it’s the sole reason but it may be worth pursuing some help/ HRT/ or at least getting some help for peri meno symptoms??
it did get better for me once I went on HRT and I was calmer again and more in control.

I also looked at downsizing and living somewhere more affordable for me so the financial pressure wasn’t so huge on top of parenting.

It's now 5 months since I left my job at the supermarket. For me, companies that scan CVs via AI are totally pissing me off as I am applying for roles have done before or elements of them. Only to get rejected at CV application level. AI does not understand transferrable skills at all.

I am feeling now I am never going to get a job. Though saw a lovely lady at JC due to my dyslexia and suggested a few things to improve my CV. The interview process for majority of companies are not suitable for ND people. The STAR questions, I am fine with as got plenty of examples. Though if its rephrased differently, it throws me out and I struggle. From some interviewer's POV, it looks like I'm unprepared.

My former colleagues and friends are shocked that I still don't have a job to go to or one lined up. These companies are missing out on a decent, hardworking, flexible person who has an absolute passion to help customers and make them happy. I keep suggesting to them, go on the interview panels!

If I didn't have dyslexia and didn't have to cross paths with the bully of the store manager who ridiculed me of my dyslexia (he thought I was making it up) I would not be unemployed..

Ok so Durham, Oxford and Imperial.

to help build your skills if poss i recommend chairty shop volunteering

Have you looked at civil service jobs. Think they might suit https://www.civilservicejobs.service.gov.uk/csr/index.cgi

You say you already have an income - is this from work, ex partner or a trust fund? Just start applying for jobs - they all have boring bits attached and everyone finds it hard to focus on stuff they find boring. Just get started - stop finding excuses. Your kids will need a before/after school/ holiday childminder. Like nearly everyone who works.

Thank you - the sole parenting is definitely also part of the anxiety!

OP you’re making excuses. Anyone who has been out of the job market for years is going to find applying for jobs and looking at job descriptions scary and anxiety-provoking. Nothing to do with ADHD. I’ve been in the same job for nearly 30 years and I still feel nervous when I go back after a 2 week holiday!

And you’re being too picky. Your list of requirements is unrealistic. You have to start at the bottom with something easy, and hope you’re good enough at it to get where you want to be.

The obvious thing to do is to go back to a few people who have offered freelance work and at you’re keen to do some short term/freelance work as an employee as an individual contributor. You’d be flexible on days/role as you’re keen to stretch your work muscles again.

I would try hard to do this as an employer as being self employed brings a lot of extra admin with it you won’t want.

People with ADHD are useless with admin, I mean really useless; unless they find it interesting.
I do think it would have been a benefit if she had been offered reasonable adjustments, rather than management expecting colleagues to pick up the slack without explanation and without said annoying person being there to sit and do the task with you.
People can’t help having ADHD but it doesn’t mean they get to ride roughshod over others.

I’m ND, solo parent, creative, bright, educated.
I’ve tried running my own business, 10 years, it was hell - way too much admin, pressure and it was lonely. It depended on my motivation which wasn’t there unless my back was against the wall. I’ve always worked in jobs (alongside my SE) which didn’t reflect my education or intelligence but that suits me just fine.
I’m a perfectionist and sensitive, a bad combination.
I can’t claim benefits as have assets (which is fine I can work)

lower your expectations and the pressure you are putting on yourself. You need to get any job you can, if you hate it you’ve learnt something and you move on.
Try meds, they help me alot. Your GP can prescribe CBT

I have a degree and when I went back to work after having kids I worked in a supermarket. I was “ridiculously overqualified” still got the job and still worked hard

It’s 90% admin. 😆. Being a lecturer on a teaching contract is anyway. A research contract would be different I guess but HE is not in a good financial situation currently. They are laying people off left right and centre.

I've not read all the replies, but try looking at the civil service jobs website. It gives you a solid pension and flexible working so you can fit your hours around your children.

people working in a supermarket tend to be there because they don't have the higher education and qualifications to do something better paid.

I worked in a supermarket after I graduated in the middle of a recession and couldn't find a grad job. After 18 months I managed to get myself onto a very prestigious grad scheme. I wasn't suddenly more intelligent, or qualified, because I'd got onto a posh grad scheme.

But the PP said "tend to" which I imagine is probably right.

You keep saying how good you on are paper...with kindness. You really arent if you have been out of the workplace for a long time and the fact you state you cannot find any free childcare. Well - welcome to the real world! Its a jungle out there. My youngest son had a very desirable degree. Yes, he was picked up quickly by a corporate but its clear that a lot of companies want a graduate who will probably stay 2-4 years rather than dare I say it a Mum who could well be playing at getting a job. I have done some recuitment over the years and yes, I did have a lady saying she was the CEO of her house. She prattled on about what she had been doing for the last 10 years in the home and to be honest she did look rather uncomfortable afterwards although her mouth had run away with her. I put it down to nerves and she didnt get the role.

What jobs are you offered (presumably without applying for them?)

Why not take one of them?

I'm a single parent, and work is a struggle due to childcare. I've had to make a lot of compromises to manage around this, and it's not ideal. In your case you have the huge benefit that the salary doesn't matter, so you can take part-time work or low paid work if you want to try something new.

One thing to consider if you are AuDHD is that there is a high likelihood your children will be too. I am undiagnosed and didn't realise I was likely AuDHD until I started researching due to my oldest child being diagnosed age 7. My other child is now starting the process age 8. I've got friends whose kids are similar that were fine until age 7-10 and then crashed and were diagnosed. It seems quite common for AuDHD kids without LD to be diagnosed about that age, or early teens.

Life might get easier as your children grow, or it might get a lot more complicated like mine has - one of my kids only attends school part-time now due to anxiety which isn't something I could foresee when they were starting school.

The point is that OP is generalising about an entire group in a way that doesn't ring true to me. Some workers are students, some need the flexibility/income while they're trying to establish themselves as self employed, some have masters degrees from top ten universities. Some may be doing their first placement on a retail grad scheme. Yes, sometimes people aren't able to do other jobs, but I don't think the generalising is helpful.

You are asking the impossible, I’m afraid. You can’t expect to be given work if you can’t even be bothered to apply for jobs, and don’t even follow up those that are offered. And being ‘overqualified’ just seems to be a get-out for you. You are looking for any excuse not to work but won’t admit it.
You need to have a good think about a) what jobs are available that let you work to the rather demanding times you want, b) how you can build up your confidence and c) whether you do really want to work at all!
Good luck.

I worked for a posh supermarket after a middle management corporate role. You would be surprised how many people were like me. And to a previous PP

THE DISCOUNT WAS FAB. First dibs on food at the end of their life, flowers almost every day to take home because they had reached their sell by date.

It really wasnt as easy as it looked though. Dealing with the general public never is!

It’s all a bit academic anyway as even if the OP applied for a supermarket job with her lack of work history she’s unlikely to get one. Supermarket jobs are quite sought after round here and fierce competition. People seem to think it’s beneath them when funnily enough the manager probably wouldn’t touch them with a barge pole!

Fitting hours around children only goes so far. It doesn’t cover holidays when she has no childcare.

My advice would be stop over thinking everything before even applying. I am a chronic overthinker. And you can end up talking yourself out of something before you even tried! So if you see stuff relevant to your experience, just apply. Maybe it won't be right. Maybe you won't get it. But you won't know till you try. Maybe set yourself a target of getting some interviews rather than a job.

Also, don't turn down work. If someone offers something, just give it a go.