Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

Yes, I am overthinking. This is what blind panic and anxiety looks like (for me). And I do have plenty on my CV. Just not anything full time for years...

This is incredibly helpful and probably exactly what I need to do. Thank you so much.

What’s happened to make you panic so much OP? You’ve said you’re regularly offered jobs and have some qualifications and some old work experience.

I think we would all like this wouldn't we?

I am a huge procrastinator and need to work to deadlines to function and then function highly.

So that is how I manage my job, lots of it is immediately responsive and if I have projects they are mine and have a defined scope and deadline, and I work until whatever deadlines exist.

Your ways of wanting to work sound pretty similar to me and lots of people I know - I am not aware of any of them being ND (though of course they may well be).

I think being self employed sounds terrible - managing your own workload without hard deadlines and clients and superiors expecting the work sounds awful. I see how it looks as a single parent option though.

Oh I get you so much @User74893773 …the panic, overwhelm, imposter syndrome, focus…it’s a constant battle.

I am also well qualified in something niche and I have found my home in a large local authority. There is SO MUCH tedious crap (nonsense) to do but because I am so comfortable that the work I do - the outcomes - is important and valuable it really helps me push through. I’m not here to line some wanker shareholder’s pockets, I can drive around the county and SEE the results of my work including the benefits to people who have no idea who I am or what I do.

I work in a team where each of us has a different technical specialism and I don’t need to see people’s HR files to know I’m ‘not the only gay in this village’ if you catch my drift. We’re known as a bunch of friendly, useful odd-bods and that suits me just fine!

Being ND. Being solely responsible for children. Working extremely hard 365 days a year being a parent while simultaneously listening to the voice in my head reminding myself that I need to get a job. Being able to pay the bills but not being able to afford the dentist (for me, I find the money for m children).

Realising that I prioritise my children over myself (which is fine) but that no-one in the world prioritises me and I need to start doing better for myself for the sake of my children as much as for me.

I really love working in a team. One of my favourite periods of work was within the NHS when I worked alongside so many different people in multiple disciplines but we were a really cohesive team. I loved that.

But yeah. Being an adult with no other adult to rely on is what's making me panic. I have no-one to catch me financially if things go wrong and I need to step up. It feels like a lot.

Id suggest you get some CBT therapy for your disordered thinking. Theres a lot of classics there; perfectionism, catastrophising, predictive thinking. It sounds like youve decided you wont be good at any job because of your ADHD and how youve struggled in the past. CBT helped me massively with my ADHD, which i handle without medication, after a later life diagnosis.

Please can I come and work with you 😌

I’m not sure, @User74893773

I think if you link keeping on top of work admin with people you love most in the world eating and having shelter/food/good quality of life, getting on with less exciting aspects of work-life becomes just something you do.

I’m certain you’d be very welcome! As others have said, you CAN do it, you just need a bit of help to take the steps

This is a great suggestion but I can't afford it. It's a bit chicken and egg. I just don't have any spare money for that sort of thing. Once I'm working it's something to explore though.

This is the point - if I had to do the most dull admin in the world to feed my children, I would. And I'd be grateful to be able to do it. But that's not the position I'm in.

I'm audhd and yeah, adhd meds massively amplified my autistic side. I came off them in the end because i felt so unbalanced.

Not read many PPs but you could get ideas from franchises - as in those listed for exhibitions for franchises - there are several on every year or go to somewhere like Birmingham NEC currently showing many divers categories for exhibitions. Find something you are passionate about !

I think you need to reframe your thinking a bit about the opportunities you are being offered. You're actually in a relatively enviable position, in that you currently have enough income to cover your basic needs, and are not dependent on benefits. This gives you more freedom than most people to try some options which may or may not work out, without risking your stability.

If you were able to focus well enough to manage higher education and professional retraining, there's no reason you can't hold down a job. You may need some help from a therapist, work coach or mentor just to get over the barriers in your own head.

Check out these guys, online resources including free (donation if possible but not required) online support sessions over Facebook, used to be over Twitter as well but I don’t know if they still use that platform.

https://adhduk.co.uk

The groups usually have a scattering of dual ADHD - autism folks in there. But even if not there’s so much overlap between us that I don’t think it’s much of an issue

I definitely functioned better when younger. It does feel that as I hit 40 my ND became more obvious (even if only to me!).

If you've been out of the workforce for a while you will essentially need to start again, unless you're qualified in something very sought after. It's a bugger, but no-one is going to employ someone who last worked 10 years ago over someone doing the job now.

But this takes the pressure off, because you can start off in low level jobs. Just do something - it doesn't need to be high powered or even related to your qualifications. I would definitely aim more at admin/assistant roles rather than supermarket/retail, it sounds like that wouldn't suit you at all. But there will be something out there.

As for the panic and overwhelm... at some point you just have to get on with it. I have ADHD, I know how impossible it feels to stop procrastinating. But you can either fuck around doing nothing and get nowhere, or you can get on with it. Your choice. (I also need to take my own advice on this, I know it's hard.)

Not actually true. Many people working in supermarkets are students , semi retired and parents working round family/ care needs

Yeah, peri-meno threw a whole bunch of extra heat into my neurospicy stew 😆 You’re not alone there!

Yes I was lucky in a way, my adhd caused me to get in a real mess at work where i was very stressed and anxious which allowed me access to employer paid cbt .

I would say if you can get some specialised adhd focussed sessions you might not need many of them. Its really a lightbulb moment after you get your diagnosis and it also helps you understand how you could have performed well at school and uni but then be struggling in your career. Thers a lot of destructive self talk women with adhd have used on themselves for years to try and get things done that you need to unearn.

That's kind of understandable because you have all the other responsibilities of being a single parent to deal with now, so you have that much less bandwidth for managing work, but it's not insurmountable. I would second the PP upthread who suggested starting out very part time and building up from there as you gain confidence. And if you can get some support or guidance from relevant ADHD organisations or access to work, all the better. Wish we had that in Northern Ireland, it sounds really helpful.

I once talked a work problem through with a life coach, it was really helpful and calmed shattered nerves!
Also make a list of all the informal experience you have. One of the best job candidates I have interviewed ran the PTA.