Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

I don't have zero relevant work experience.

No one enjoys boring admin, no one loves every aspect of their job. If you REALLY need a job go and work in Tesco's, don't tell them about your qualifications. If you want to find a job in your former field, then you're going to have to suck up the dull stuff. Why are you special and different to the rest of us?

So I do need to work. I have enough income to pay the bills but not enough for the extras we would all like as a family and I need to up my pension. I also need to work at least part time for my own self esteem.

Thanks 😩 I'm not lazy at all. I am blindly stuck and asking for help.

And thank you to you for your very kind and helpful post. I am not "special" but as I've tried to explain, my ND is hindering me at this specific point in my life. In that way, yes, I am different to NT people.

If you occasionally get offered roles, you need to be ready to see ‘thank you, I am very interested. But I am only seeking termtime or project work right now. Can you help me find something suitable?’

I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing)

I really doubt you saying what degrees you have will be outing, and if they are so niche such that they would identify you then maybe this is part of the problem - your skills are too niche.

But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure.

This is very common. I now accept that stuff will get done, but the time immediately leading to the deadline will be hideous because I leave things until the last moment.
Most people have some level of imposter syndrome. I imagine actually getting back out to work would help with your feelings of self belief.

Terrible at admin/detail

Again, not at all uncommon. It's just one of those things that has to be done. I am currently sitting on some travel expenses and doing my accounts. I hate it.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with

Neither do a lot of people. You just have to get on with it and also find support elsewhere. I understand though - it's the day to day offloading that can help.

nb I do not have ADHD.

Contact Access to Work. They can give you support for your ADHD.
https://www.gov.uk/access-to-work/eligibility

A lot of people are ND and work.
I think you are looking for excuses. You have said you are being offered jobs but turn them down. If you need money you would accept the job, try it for a short while and if it doesn't work out then leave. It doesn't have to be permanent. If you turn down job offers, then depending on your industry maybe word will spread that you aren't commited or interested.
Take the next offer and see how it goes. You have nothing to lose.

You need to do something you enjoy and can be passionate about or you need a job that’s basic but active.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing a menial job if it’s not stressful and you can be yourself.

Your post makes a lot of sense. My training is not too niche though - I have lots of transferable skills. I probably need to speak to someone about different ideas/avenues. Just not sure who.

We had a member of the team who loudly declared she found admin really boring and she preferred creative work as it better suited her strengths and traits. She was a nightmare to have on the team as she seemed to expect other team members to do her work for her and would feel aggrieved that she didn’t have her own admin support. It was very off putting for other team members as the implication seemed to be that we all did admin because we loved it / were good at it, in contrast to her. She came across as rather self absorbed and delusional.

The problem with a menial job is that it would have a minimum wage (or close) salary. I need to earn more than that to make working worth my while (in terms of childcare, motivation etc). Again, if I couldn't feed my children I'd take anything. But this is more needing to restart a career than a need to take any old job going.

As an aside, I did actually work in a supermarket as a student and really enjoyed it. But it would be quite an odd career move for me 20 years later.

Excellent. Thank you for that. I assume you're implying that I am identical to your ex colleague. Thank you for that helpful post. Sheesh...

How do you get money then?

You've had a long time out of the workforce though and employers will likely see it that way, especially if you've changed careers/retrained a couple of times. It's also a jungle out there right now - lots of companies are laying off rather than recruiting. If you really do want to work, you just need to take a job of some kind. I'm not saying work in Tesco's but from what you've said, you seem to be ruling out 80% of jobs and it's just not that easy to get work at all right now, let alone 'perfect' or even 'acceptable' work!

May I ask how you're coping financially now as a single mum if you don't work?

I completely understand. I have ADHD but never managed to get any decent qualifications as I quit every course I started. But due to hyper focus I managed to work my way up over the years, I’ve never managed to stay in a job more than 2 years and up until recently always worked 60 hours a week never switching off then burning out. I got to Director level and gave it all up last year, I just can’t do it, my ADHD made it so difficult to keep all the balls juggling even though I’m great in a crisis and at problem solving.
I know work part time in an admin role and setting up my own business on the side. I really think working for myself is the only way.

Do you think you’re perhaps overthinking this a little? Maybe just take one of the jobs you’re offered and see how it goes? Take the pressure off yourself.

All your posts are very intense. It’s a job not decommissioning a nuke.

Once you have something on your CV you will find it easier to get something else.

As someone who works in recruitment I get a lot of CVs across my desk from SAHMs looking to reenter the workplace.

My number one suggestion is please get yourself some voluntary or other experience before looking for professional work.

Employers are not interested in your “negotiation skills” because you can convince a toddler to put their shoes on.

your “time management skills” because you can get 3 kids out the door for nursery

or Your “multi tasking skills” because you can cook the tea and breastfeed at the same time.

You are going to go up against people who are hungrier, more qualified and more recently experienced than you and you will lose.

Any experience or qualifications you have unfortunately have now aged significantly. The job market is fast paced and brutal. You need to retool yourself accordingly if you want to reenter it.

Can I put another spin on it? From where I am sitting, you are actually in a GREAT position because you have enough money to live off while you get your new career off the ground. This is brilliant because you are in a position to work very part-time while you get going, and to work term-time only. I would say you have some good options:

• get a small business up and running using the skill you retrained in (is it counselling?) and accessing some of the Access to Work benefits to support this.
• ask around in your circle of friends and acquaintances to see if you can find something very part-time (one or two days a week). This could even be unpaid to start off with. Just to get you back into the work space and get something recent on your CV.

You (understandably) sound quite overwhelmed and like you see this as all-or-nothing. But I think it would actually work well to just do a few hours a week to start off with.

Well, you do sound like that ex-colleague. Plenty of neurodiverse people do hold down jobs when they have to, there are coping strategies you can master. If you're bringing up kids reasonably successfully you're able to hold a job down you just don't want one unless it's 100 per cent catering to your needs, which very rarely exists. And self-employment is FULL of boring admin.

From someone who was in a very similar situation I can wholeheartedly encourage you to think of your own wellbeing first.
If you have the motivation and are able to get reasonable adjustments then perhaps try public sector jobs.
Just don’t end up masking too much because you could end up being very poorly in the future.

Thank you so much for sharing this. Makes a lot of sense.