Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

The thing is, the jobs all seem just so intimidating and the anxiety it provokes in me is actually paralysing. It's so hard to explain and I know it makes me sound incredibly pathetic. Most people who know me irl would never think I would be so lacking in confidence. I think part of the problem is that old work contacts or friends of friends have offered me work but they're all quite... scary and professional and I just want to say "fine, try me out but I need a lot of hand holding to start with" and I just can't say that. It's not the sort of organisations where that nervousness would go down well at all.

All of this!

Also starting your own business and being entirely self-reliant, submitting monthly accounts to UC etc can be extremely demanding for someone who is adept at admin and self regulation and it sounds like it could be difficult for you with the struggles you’ve identified so if you go down this route, perhaps hire a VA or accountant to help you keep on top of things. It’s incredibly hard being self employed for an organised person but with AuDHD it can quickly go downhill (I know from experience).

I do need to do SOMETHING, you are right. I have income from a rental property. No need for benefits (other than child benefit). I get offered mainly freelance/consultancy work and occasionally an actual job (which I'd have to interview for but I'm good at interviews and present as confident and capable when I really feel like a 6 year old who has no clue about anything!).

Sorry to be harsh I am not sure you are as good on paper as you might believe and maybe you need to reconsider what you apply for. While you might have relevant qualifications, if you have had time out raising children then others with the same qualifications and better work experience who haven't taken time out will be your competition. You are not up to date with the latest ideas and training. Maybe this could be your first step and find courses that interest you that could help you update your CV.

I would also say you are being too picky. If you really need to work you would take anything. It sounds like you come across as quite snobbish, seeing working in a supermarket as beneath you.

I think you need to be like the majority of us in the real work and realise that work is a means to earn money and pay the bills. It isn't always going to be the most satisfying thing ever, that's what hobbies are for.

Sorry if being blunt.

Bit harsh. I also said I'd like a mix of office and wfh. I actually like working alongside people. But otherwise yes, I want the dream job set up. I know that's unrealistic and I know there's a hefty amount of admin/boring bits in every single job.

I used to do a lot of recruitment and selection. It will have changed quite a bit now I am guessing, but there’s a World of difference between having lots of on paper qualifications, and having on the job working experience, including working as part of a team, working on projects alone, dealing with staff, meeting deadlines, ensuring all criterias in terms of health and safety, task monitoring, being up to date with all sorts of legislation, both general and industry specific. You could be a genius on paper (which you seem to be saying you are), but an utter disaster in terms of other essential work required skills. A break of any kind will require getting up to speed again in terms of the core non qualification elements, so something that is below what you might think of as your worth, might actually be easier to get, build up the missing elements then take it from there.

Yes you can. You say “it’s been some time since I worked, can you let me know what support is on offer to help me transition back into the work space? For example, I would benefit from a, b, c”

think about what support you need and set that out for them. There’s a way to ask and approach these things professionally.

I agree with the person who said you need to manage your own expectations. Everyone in work has to make some kind of compromise somewhere in the life - write down your negotiables / non-negotiables. Reframe your thinking and be willing to do something that makes you uncomfortable at least at the start, because you probably won’t fall into what you want straight away.

It’s hard to give solid advice without knowing your profession but there are industries more well known for their flexibility options (including term time working). Don’t just dismiss everything right away without dedicating time to exploring what can be offered for you. And maybe also accept that for the first little while it’s going to make you feel uncomfortable.

That's very kind. I'm not trained in HR but actually think I would have really enjoyed it. I flirted with some HR grad schemes many (many) years ago!

I have ASD and ADHD. I work in a senior role in a professional job. It's likely it's the change from not working to working which is throwing you, that's something I would struggle with hugely if I weren't already in a job. I'm sure you'd be very good at a job once in it. Can you break down the steps to getting a job, so a list of the types of jobs you might like and be good at, list of places to look for jobs, make profiles/sign up, do CV etc. That might get you started and be able to apply for a couple. To be honest, I wouldn't be suited to self employment, my ADHD traits mean I'd struggle to keep on top of things and start projects if there's no accountability to anyone else so if you would be the same then I'd go with employment. As for your DCs, well they'll just have to get used to wrap around and holiday care, my dd doesn't love it but it's necessary.

Yes and I already do volunteer for two local charities but although it's a similar field to my training it's not something that would lead to a job. But I do love it. And if I win the lottery I will happily volunteer full time! (I don't play the lottery though...)

Wait for the next freelance ‘one off’ job. Do it. See if you’re capable.

You know you’re educated, you know you’re trained and you know your skill set. All of your limitations are in your own head and the only way you’re going to fix those is to face the scary thing and prove you can do it. You’ll be stuck in an endless loop of ‘what if’ if you carry on like this and end up never moving forward stuck in a ‘I promise I’m very good at what I do’ paralysis.

The truth is, it doesn’t matter how good you look on paper unless you actually utilise the skills. Someone who received a lower class degree from a less prestigious university will be doing the job with ease because they’re actually out there having a go, trying, failing, learning, taking advice, training on the job etc.

It’s easy to look at our achievements and lean on them as a crutch to prove to ourselves and others that we are worthy when we feel like ‘just a mum’. To remind ourselves that we are clever and capable and important. But the truth is, in the work you’re currently doing all that matters is that you’re a mum. You need to carve out that opportunity to utilise the rest and self soothing with ‘I’m very smart’ isn't helping.

Prove it.

Maybe harsh, but designed for you to see the ask is unlikely achievable. With any job, its a 2 way street, what you bring to the table and what they do, so far you're only talking about what they bring.

Instead start looking into what you can do to meet your own needs, I think you're far more likely to work for yourself, although harder at the outset, you do get to choose your own working hours. Just depends on what that business is

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

Do what you trained for. Start from scratch, have a strict booking system, only take on one or two clients/projects to start and go from there. Freelance would give you the flexibility of working around childcare needs.

i second Access to Work
loads of special equipment

I am so stuck. Thank you for your post. You're right about a lot of it.

I can't afford a life or work coach - I actually spend almost nothing on myself. I have enough to pay for things my children need but not much left over.

But thank you, I am simultaneously my own biggest fan and my own worst enemy. Good to face the reality of what that's looking like right now.

can you pay someone to do your admin surely?

You need to find someone who can give you good advice in person as a career coach. With ADHD you need someone to give you a bit of tough love in terms of figuring out what you want to do and staying on the one path for it.

We're on page two and you're already bouncing between about ten totally different things, plus you already have two volunteering things and a rental property.

With where you're at I'd start by seeing if you can shadow someone self-employed who does what you want to do.

I'm going to come at this from a single parent perspective. You do what every other single parent does and work part time/enlist the help of family and friends/pay for childcare.

My only options where paid childcare and occasional friends. I paid through the nose for years to go to work and only now that they are teens do I not have to pay or rope in friends.

I can't help from a ND perspective, but I would assume that you won't go straight into a very senior role due to your time out of the workplace, and maybe this isn't a bad thing as it may help build up your confidence again.

I hope you find a job that works for you.

"A busy role with lots of different but process driven elements" may work as a start. What sort of roles? I think I need to do something for 6-12 months just to get some confidence back.

I think you've never been in a financial peril before. You don't work because you don't have to work. If things start getting really tight, you will have to "make it work" and earn money. Think about your children and their future. With your qualifications, you should not rely on other taxpayers' money or your ex.

JDs can look overwhelming but don't forget a job description is supposed to summarise everything you might reasonably be asked to do as part of your job, it doesn't tell you anything about what a typical day might look like. My JD looks like I spend my days making important spending decisions, setting strategy (and then everyone claps) and creating policies. In reality I spend most of my days sitting down with people who've asked me to hire in an external consultant to deliver a package of training to address some tiny minor disagreement in their team, and asking them 'HAVE YOU TRIED TALKING TO THEM?'

I agree some coaching might be helpful if you can find a coach who's used to working with ND individuals - it can help you work out what you need in a job, what would be nice, and what you absolutely want to avoid, then work to get you where you want to go (including interview practice).

It's ok to be blunt. Yes, it probably does sound snobbish but working in a supermarket is not going to be an option. I am good on paper. I really am. But I'm stuck. If I couldn't feed or clothe my children I'd happily work in a supermarket or anywhere. I'm not a snob. But people working in a supermarket tend to be there because they don't have the higher education and qualifications to do something better paid. Oh shit. Please don't all pile on me for not hot footing it to my local Asda 😬

Yeah, I'd like the luxury of not actually having to work, as well. Some of us can't pay the bills without a job.

Thank you - this is helpful kick up the bum style advice that I probably need!