Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

What? Pay someone to do my work admin? What?

You need to start applying for stuff that looks like it fits your skillset. You say you're useless at admin and organisation so admin/pa type roles are out. Would you work in a warehouse? A call centre? In a healthcare support role? Education?
If you feel insecure the best thing is to apply for stuff and even if you don't get it you'll get experience and feedback.
Could you join an agency? You need to be proactive as only you know what you're capable of.

I do bounce around. I only explained that I have rental income because someone assumed I'm on benefits. Bouncing around is a large part of the problem. It's mainly due to overwhelm and panic! I have children and volunteer at two places that have been part of our life as a family in the past. Nothing too overwhelming and lovely places to give some time to by way of giving back.

The thing is, if you really do want to work then you’ll need to make compromises. Nobody is going to give you your ideal job straight away. If you’ve been out of the job market for 10-15 years you’ll probably be starting near the bottom.

Have you applied for any jobs? I don’t mean your ideal jobs, but ANY jobs. If not, then you sound more keen on the theory of working than the reality. And that is a bad look for anyone, employed or self-employed.

I don't rely on taxpayers money (apart from child benefit). And I don't "rely" on my ex. My ex however does actually have to pay maintenance for the children he is otherwise a completely absent parent to.

Yeah, JD's do fill me with dread. It's a good reminder that the real job/average day looks quite different!

an admin assistant

If you're good at studying why not go into academia?

You sound very low in confidence and self - belief.
if you are being offered leads/ interviews/ jobs etc - grab them ! Don’t talk yourself down or listen to your negative voice.
some good career advice I was given when I was younger ‘think like a man’. Would a man talk himself out of a job before he even applied for it? No ! He’d assume he was more than qualified and crack on with applying.
You have to back yourself - and it sounds like you know where your strengths are - so believe in them and others will to.

I think you need to be realistic.

You're not as good on paper as you seem to think. Two first class honours from Oxford (or whatever education you have) with zero work experience is of little value to an employer without an evidence that you can put the qualifications to use in a working environment.

Thst said, you volunteer, so presumably that involved applying for the voluntary position and carrying out tasks appropriately. You have managed to to do.

What makes you think that you cannot replicate your volunteering experience in a workplace? You can.

You just ned to set realise expectations of your starting position and start applying for roles that will suit.

If you cannot do thst along, then seek support from organisations who deal with ASD and ADHD.

There will also be many organisations who promote their ND employee platform. Search out these companies and maybe it will be easier.

Reach out to the people who were willing to help you before too. They may still be willing.

You need a job. Good on paper won't pay the bills.

I suspect that A LOT of us have been in your position but not working is not an option for financial reasons.

Do you know anyone who could act as a mentor for you?

Are you active on LinkedIn? It might be a good place to ask for a mentor if you don't have any links with people in the sector. Maybe they could help you do things step by step?

Also yes, look into Access to Work, as others have said. Some people do have personal assistants if you genuinely are diagnosed as not being able to do those things.

Still no idea what you're talking about. If I take a job but find the admin overwhelming/stupefying I can't employ someone to do that part of the job for me.

(Obviously I understand that every job comes with a level of admin)

I'm interested how your degree(s) would be outing. David Beckham studies at the University of Southampton?

I'm not applying for jobs. I actually get offered jobs every so often and turn them down because the idea floors me.

I mean, you've gotta get past the idea and start doing it and deal with the issues then if they come up. The idea of work floors me every Monday morning, but I get on and do it and that begets its own confidence. Of course you'll be floored if you continue to avoid it and it becomes this big insurmountable thing in your head. Get on with it and then you'll at least have tangible issues to deal with, which are infinitely more solvable than imaginary ones.

Also my thought given your childcare/holiday issue (which ofc we all have and manage one way or another, as few have free childcare) was teaching. Not your dream job no doubt, but in the right setting/subject, it could work out for you/DC.

You sound like me a few years ago. I found a local ASD employment support programme. (Diversity NE was my local one).
they helped me take an enormous leap back into employment.

They helped me identify skills gaps, found neurodivergent job fairs and interview experiences.

I was ready and willing to work but needed that support and little push to make it happen.

Good luck

I bloody love this. Thank you so much. So true.

I don't have zero work experience. I worked between university and children.

Only outing in that I went to three universities in total and that would slightly narrow me down a bit if anyone who knows me reads this. Think Edinburgh, Cambridge, LSE. That sort of thing.

I absolutely understand that a lot of people have Monday morning "crap I have to go to work" feelings. I'm not too big and proud for that. I need to get over the first few months in a new role and then I think I'd be ok. It feels like climbing a mountain at the moment.

Thank you all. This has been so interesting. I have to go to do the school run soon but will keep reading. Thank you especially to those who "get" what I'm saying and who have been kind and encouraging. I know I'm stuck and I'm posting here to think of ways I can get "unstuck"!

There's no such thing as the perfect job. You have to start somewhere as you have zero (relevant) work experience on your CV, so take a job. Pretty much any job that sounds vaguely interesting!

I have ADHD and being self-employed or running a business is not for me as I can't cope with that level of paperwork/admin. It does sound like you're being a bit unrealistic about what's out there/what you can do. You do veer from saying you're brilliant to saying you can't cope with stuff and I wouldn't do that in interviews or on a job application as it will put off prospective employers! Just start somewhere, apply for some stuff and don't over think it!

I think it was more the case you said you needed to work (but then seem reluctant to actually do this) most people if they need the money do anything.

From your updates it seems you do have an income supply, so maybe you aren't desperate to work (and which is why you are reluctant to accept the jobs you are offered as you don't feel the need).

You are Lady Catherine de Bourgh and I claim my £10!!!

sorry i thought you were intending to be self employed

You are though. Do you think the rest of us would not prefer to sit at home and wait for our perfect niche post?