Will I ever get a job? Utterly useless

[User74893773]

AIBU to think I'm never going to find a job?!

I have degrees. I'm intelligent. I also have children and am a single parent.

I haven't worked since my first child was born and I'm now at the stage when I NEED to get paid work. I don't want to say what my degrees are in (too outing), but they're "good" degrees from excellent universities.

I have (very recently) received a dual diagnosis of ASD and ADHD. It explains everything - I'm not currently on medication and that might help... But I can't concentrate on things that don't hold my focus, I find it really hard to work unless I'm up against a hard deadline, I lack any self belief and feel like a colossal failure. If you read my CV up until age 25 you'd assume I must be an industry leader by now. But I'm not - I'm "just" a mum (which is awesome and I'm a great mum, but being a great mum isn't paying the bills...). My children are both at school now.

So I'm sorry to post here and I know this will piss some of you off. Really, I am sorry. But I'd love ideas/advice.

I'd like to work in a team with a mix of office and wfh. I'd like to have a work pension. I'm extremely persuasive and creative. Terrible at admin/detail (unless it's part of a special interest - eg I am genuinely brilliant at admin for my children's lives - school, sports, music, parties etc etc). However, I'm also going to find working in school holidays very difficult as I have no-one who can look after my children for free and there's a limit to the number of full day camps there are (and that they'd be willing to go to!). This is a major stumbling block for me.

I retrained in a highly sought after area a few years ago but then got completely frozen and panicked when I had to try to find clients etc and lost all confidence (and it's an area I know I'm really good at but 99% of jobs are self employment based - I actually batted off so many people wanting to refer people to me because I just panicked and thought I couldn't do it. It utterly overwhelmed me.)

I know I sound really crap.

I don't know. Any ideas welcome. Most of my friends and acquaintances think I work at least part time. When people ask me what I do, I say "I'm trained as x" which is honest and I let them assume I'm currently working in that role.

I have no partner to talk all of this over with and just feel so, so stuck. Any thoughts so welcome. Maybe this thread might be helpful to other people who also feel stuck!

(ps on the ADHD ASD front - most people would not know these things impact me. I am an expert at masking but as peri menopause hits I'm finding it more difficult and am pretty burnt out)

This is such an unhelpful post.

1. I’d have zero anxiety starting work at a supermarket. Zero. Because I’d have very little responsibility and (having done my time as a student at a supermarket for a holiday job) I know I’d learn the job very fast. But I’m not going to get a job in a supermarket. That would be a massive curve ball - I need to get back into a professional job where I use my skills and qualifications.
2. Ablelist claptrap. Plenty of people suffer from ADHD/ASD type problems either to a milder degree or occasionally. It is not the same as having them ALL THE TIME. My child has a friend who is deaf. Well. I should just explain “look Hector, I know you’re deaf but don’t make a big deal about it. We’re all hard of hearing sometimes. I can’t hear myself think in soft play! Don’t make excuses!” I think not…

Medical rep for a pharma company might suit you?

1. But you are unable to do that. So do something you CAN do.

2. Your diagnosis is mental, not physical. The mind is very complicated. You need to change your way of thinking. You need to find a way to do that, which will involve being open-minded, rather than firing back “ableist claptrap” whenever you feel attacked.

@User74893773
How about listening to some motivational songs regularly? Some that spring to mind: The Climb, You’re Worth It (by Cimorelli), Tubthumping (“I get knocked down, but I get up again” song), I Will Survive, Brave (by Sara Bareilles), Something Inside So Strong.

I totally agree with a previous poster that working on changing your mindset will really help you feel more confident. Good luck!

Please tell me what you are trained in. Or give me some clues so I can guess.

It’s a very helpful post and so is the follow-up. But you fly off the handle at anyone who suggests anything that doesn’t chime perfectly with your view of what you’re entitled to or points out that many neurodivergent people overcome hurdles rather than choosing to be boxed in by them

Thank you. I am on paper brilliant. I am the person you want in a crisis. I am creative, intelligent, kind. These are all things that people from every area of my life say. BUT, I'm the class person who has not fulfilled my potential. the original "could do better", "needs to concentrate more" etc

I agree with other posters, I think you need to be realistic. You think you are on paper brilliant. Well I was quite on paper brilliant, but that didn’t stop me applying for masses of roles, many, many, many interviews until I got a new job. That was without a career break. I understand you are asking for help, but I think it’s important to understand that most people have progressively worked to have the roles they have now. They didn’t just do well at uni x years ago and think that’s enough to be hired.

Practically, I think you need to realistically choose what you want to do, then take small steps to make it happen. It’s great you volunteer and this can be used to demonstrate your skills. There are always less interesting elements in roles, but you can decide to do something that works in most areas.

Actually, I think she was just trying to explain how she feels. It can be really frustrating. Yes, people are giving advice, but it doesn’t mean it’s going to be useful to her or or that she should pretend it is.

If it were as easy as ‘changing her thinking’ then I’m sure she would have. It’s still a physical thing, it’s about the physiology of her brain.

If it helps - I was out of work aged 50 and had no idea what my next steps should be as I'd done the same job for 30 years but had no transferrable skills. I took the first job I was offered which was working as a Support Worker for a care company. I really enjoyed it, though the pay and conditions were terrible! However, I stuck at it and after 18 months applied for a job as a Community Physio Assistant with the NHS. This job was well paid, really good pension and holidays and of course excellent support from Occupational Health. I'm just so glad I took that job with the care company, which I was way too qualified for and was completely out of my comfort zone! It led to a job I loved and helped me change direction completely. I'm now retired but still look back with fondness at the years I had working within a great team, doing a job I would never have imagined I'd be capable of. I'm sure you could find something that suits you if you can maybe think outside the box a bit. Good luck 🙂

The only thing I can tell you is that you are overthinking everything.

I know what this is like as an ND person, my thing is that I’m quite highly functioning as I do very well - and then with every job I dip at around the 2/3 year mark. That’s a pattern I’ve noticed for myself.

I personally don’t talk about being ND, because I see it as my personality. What I do (and did before I was diagnosed) was make a note of my strengths and weaknesses - and I try to find others that can fill my weaknesses.

For example, I’m amazing at starting ideas but terrible at following through, and so when I have an idea I will most likely share it with a friend who is more of a doer and acts as an accountabiiity partner.

But I must emphasise that just because we are ND, we are not the same. You need to find your own motivators and your own triggers. I have a friend who was diagnosed recently and she sounds more like you. She finds work overwhelming - whilst work triggers my hyper focus. She really struggles with management. Whilst I really enjoy bouncing ideas of my managers and see them more like collaborators.

I say this to highlight - same diagnosis - different personalities.

I do hope that you are able to block the noise and go for it. It’s bloody hard! But you can do it.

Why would you not work in a supernarket? I don't think they would care about your qualifications, I think they would care about skills and qualities needed for the job.

Firstly, you're not absolutely useless. I think when you've been away from the job market and thinking about going back to work, it must be scary.
You've got qualifications, great. You've got some work experience pre-family, and you do volunteering. Also great. You can explain gap in employment (if you want to go into a job with safeguarding e.g. teaching where you can't have gaps), also great.
You'll be able to apply for support through Access to Work which might give you help with a work coach or admin or something else.
So... you need to address the fear factor. Could you get an appointment with the careers service at one of the unis you graduated from? Some offer lifelong access to their services. I think working through this will make it easier for you to make the transition back into work.
Good luck and I hope you find a role that you can thrive in.

Sounding very much like a snob to me unfortunately

OP
I worked in a shop. We all had degrees. I can list them for you here. Not all media studies in crap unis either, think geology, LSE…But we had all either not made it in our chosen fields, or were not cut out for professional careers and the kind of networking necessary to get one. Do you know why? Because many of us were ND!
You might fit in way more than you think. Next time you see someone hurriedly packing an order with ear buds in, think that they’re probably listening to a podcast on quantum physics or the impact of Saudi Arabia on the stock market in terms international finances.

I suspect this thread isn’t actually about OP getting a job, but merely her reassuring herself she ‘wants to, but can’t’.

Every 3 years or so my elderly MIL talks about selling her (v unsuitable) house. She gets an estate agent in, has a valuation, talks through the practicalities of selling and then changes her mind just before the ad is due to go live ‘because I’ve had a look at what’s out there and I wouldn’t want to buy any of them’.

However I suspect she does this because in her mind it makes her feel justified in staying put and like she has taken action of sorts in considering moving.

This thread feels very similar - ultimately OP will hang on to all the posts telling her how hard it is for ND people to get a job, how she must find it daunting, and that she should wait until she finds something v suited to her (mystery) qualifications. And ignore the ones telling her to just get on with applying for one, even (gasp) a shop/supermarket. It’s not about her finding a job, but actually hoping people will tell her indirectly that she can’t, so she feels justified in continuing without one.

But changing her thinking is exactly what she wants to do. She’s asking for advice on how to do it.

Her ADHD/ASD is fixed but her mental state is not. She is capable of holding down a job and has done so in the past. She needs to get back to that state of mind.

I know someone who cured herself of debilitating, long-term physical health problems by changing her way of thinking. She did a CBT-type course. It was really hard and took a lot of work but her first step was to be open to it. I know of someone else who was offered the same opportunity but took offence at the suggestion that she could do something about her way of thinking. She is still stuck with the health problems.

I think you have two reasons you want to get a job:

1. To earn some more money for your family and yourself.

2. To prove to yourself that you are as amazing as you think you are.

You could achieve modest success in the first goal pretty easily by getting a low-paid job. But you are choosing not to, so I don’t think it’s actually that important to you. You can get by as you are, and doing a boring job is a hassle, so you don’t.

So you want to get a “good job”. The second reason is actually the main reason. On the face of it, you are very lucky that the stakes of taking on a new job of the calibre you seek and failing at it are low. If it all goes tits-up you have lost nothing. You haven’t sacrificed any benefits. You can go back to the status quo and carry on, having learnt more about yourself and become wiser for when you try again.

However, there are other stakes as well and these are incredibly high. Because you think you are Absolutely Amazing. If you try a job and fail, it will mean you are not amazing at all. Your whole sense of self will be destroyed. Devastating.

i suggest you build a new sense of self. Humbler, less focused on what your academic credentials entitle you to, more focused on how you can do the best for your family. Or anything, really. Just remove the pressure that is associated in your mind with these “good jobs”.

I posted earlier in the thread but feel I need to restate that I also have ADHD, possibly aut too but I haven’t pursued diagnosis on that, mostly because there’s so much overlap and I thought if I do strategies for first then it would probs be same for the other.

My thoughts are that the diagnosis helps me work out how to do the things that I need to do, NOT a reason not to do those things. Sure there are a few things that I have to an aren’t going to be me (particularly at work) but that’s OK, I just need to find something that’s more suitable and focus on what/how I need to learn to get to it.

Nothing at work is ever stable, things change all the time. Restructures come around every three years, new software comes in, colleagues leave and new ones come in. C’est la vie.

I firmly believe that’s it’s mine to work out and sort out. Sure, I ask for help sometimes but I am careful to return the favour to the people who have my back. You don’t need a label to struggle with things, life is full of setbacks and difficulties for everyone. We’re all muddling through and wondering when we become grown up enough to manage it all.

The thing is OP you've convinced yourself you are a big fish in a small pond. However, you're only a big fish because you're currently the only person in your pond. If you make it back into the workplace you'll have to pay your dues the same as everyone else. You haven't been employed for a long time, and that is what employers will be looking at too not only your list of qualifications.

The longer you continue to leave it the harder it'll be to get back into employment. Age will start to become a factor against you and really you're best off getting a pension going sooner the better. Plus it's far easier to get a job whilst in a job... I think you just need A job first, then start looking for the dream job.

ADHD medication can be life-changing. It was for my son.

Unfortunately you won’t find a job where you don’t have to do things you don’t like, that’s why they have to pay you to do it. It sounds like you need to get over yourself, lots of people have degrees and you will be competing against people with recent relevant experience. You probably need to just find a job that isn’t perfect but gets you out there, it’s generally easier to get a job if you already have one.

If you get a "small" job in a huge organisation; then you can apply for other jobs sideways or upwards

Sometimes you just need a foot in the door of a big organisation

NHS - get a PT job to start, then apply for other jobs within the organisation

Civil service, schools, hospitality, telecommunications, start at the bottom & work your way upwards

What about term time posts? School support assistant ( classroom or office based) ?

I think this is very insightful.